"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

If looking after your children is work, why do so many people not want to go back to work because they want to stay with their baby?

In my case because I am doing what I think my child needs. We have tried SAHD, full time working mum, part time working mum and this arrangement now. She is happier with this. As things stand I would prefer to work and my DH would prefer to be SAHD, but actually the finances don’t support that.

Look, it’s great that you see childcare as fun. It really is. But I don’t. I am constantly responsible for the health, safety, development and comfort of a helpless person. It’s work whether it’s enjoyable or not.

"And Mothers who go out to work do this on top of going to work

Great, so fathers can do the same then can’t they?"

Mine did.

@Loubeale don't be dramatic.

The OP needs to realise that it is not unreasonable that her freedom to work is valued equally.

If she goes in to these difficult conversations with the default assumption that she'd be lucky if he ''allowed'' her to work at the weekend, then she is doomed. He won't ''grant'' that permission as he's tired at the weekend no doubt, god love him.

Nobody ever leaves their marriage because a poster on the internet advised it. Even when their own post makes it clear that that's what they should do, OPs still don't start packing on the advice of 800 posts giving a version of yeh ltb.

OP needs to believe in herself though. She needs to believe that she has the balls to take a job on Monday morning and leave him to panic and bring the kids to his mother's or her mother's or whatever avoidant thing he does to deal with her not being at home.

Yes, either take a job again, or calculate your loss of earnings plus childcare costs, plus the cost of two homes and present it to him.

He will have to do his share of childcare if you leave him alone with the children.

Re-direct your energies elsewhere fgs.

Re direct energies into where exactly? I don’t understand your post at all. It is loss of freedom and it is work. I don’t think I need to persuade anyone of that as it’s a fact. However the OP has a husband who doesn’t see it as either as ONLY he works in his mind. The OP needs advice and help about how she can salvage the marriage as if he doesn’t change she will want to leave. And I don’t blame her. And if she leaves as a SAHM he will have to cough up hugely more than if she was earning.

"TabbyMumzwork is only work if it's in an office? Even a toddler could correct you on that one!"
Where did I say that? ? Think a toddler could correct you on your comprehension.

I would have a reality check talk with him - from the excellent points made by ItWill.

eg. DH - I would love to go back to the sort of work that rewards me financially. In order to do so I need you to share the responsibility re childcare- 50% of drop offs and collections, 50% of sick days , 50% of all other care including holidays. I also need you to do 50% of the housework/ appointments /shopping/ gardening/ driving to activities/parent's evenings when they come up. I want one day at the weekend where it will be my turn for a lie in.

In addition we need to split childcare costs fairly according to income whilst I make up for the time I have lost career wise raising our children.

YEP. He needs to hear that.

What I always wonder in situations like this is did he actually want children?

There seem to be so many of these posts at the moment; high earning lazy father, put upon SAHM. It makes me wonder if these men really even wanted children or it’s just the women that want them and the men don’t really give it much thought. They know that they’ll be at work most of the time and that they’ll earn enough so that their wife can stay at home, so it doesn’t really make much difference to them.

Obviously I don’t think that this is in any way the right attitude to have, but then the lifestyles of people in those echelons are beyond me anyway.

And this isn’t the OP but as an example.

I am a SAHM and my child has extremely challenging needs. It’s not fun and watching them in the park as I scroll through my phone. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever done and I’ve worked in very high up executive roles. I couldn’t pay someone to do what I do as the costs would be phenomenal. I do very sensitive and skilled work with my child.

Not everyone has kids that they breeze about with.

I make 90% of the money and a) I would never use that against my dh even in a row, as it's OUR money as a family and b) I work FT and always got up with dc on the weekend to give him a bloody break from them!!

If he’s not going to pitch in on weekends with childcare, and he’s such a high earner, I’d be recruiting a nanny/childminder for a day or 2 in the week so Ican have some breathing space.

When/if he complains I’d show him how much he’s saving on childcare/cleaning/cooking expenses and remind him that if you have a breakdown, that’s what he’d be spending!

He cannot have it both ways and he needs to remember this. Caring for a family is relentless. You deserve some assistance from your husband

So yours did TabbyMumz so you have precisely no idea what it's like to take 100% of the responsibility for the house and the children. Of course, it's lovely looking after the children during the day if you get a break sometimes at weekends and in the evening. If the couple are working as a team. You don't get it because you haven't experienced it but you could, you know, use some empathy.

OP didn’t mention housework just childcare. So her DH could be out earning 100k working long hours and doing housework. In which case OP needs to pull her weight

"TabbyMumzmothers who go out to work do not do exactly the same as Sahm plus work. That's just a blatent outright lie which for some reason some people trot out as if daring anyone to point out that it's physically and it's logistically impossible unless you've cloned yourself!"

Who do you think does the cleaning, cooking, homework etc then? Parents who go out to work, have to do all this when they get home!!!

TabbyMumz you said it at 10:01.

The OP's H doesn't respect her contribution. She gets a job. They earn enough to hire in some help. Sorted. Or at least the real problem starts to come to light.

Invoicing or having a come to Jesus conversation is unlikely to change the H's views or make him respect her contribution. But it could get him to agree he wants her to stay home.

If the issue is he wants 'her indoors' and feels that's her place because he earns enough to have bought her then the OP has got bigger problems.

@SalmonOfKnowledge is right about the loss of freedom.

I was a struggling single parent working FT for years. Parenting is neither work nor a vocation. It's something you just get on with. It's hard, exhausting, boring and it can be very fun.

Only those with enough financial support can portray parenting as being like a job.

@TabbyMumz What a load of nonsense. I work 3 days and take care of my 2 year old the other 2 days. My 3 days at work are nowhere near as fun as my days at home, but they're a damn sight easier! Something can be fulfilling and enjoyable as well as being hard work, and I'd argue that if one doesn't work hard when caring for a toddler, they're not doing it right!

Who do you think does the cleaning, cooking, homework etc then? Parents who go out to work, have to do all this when they get home!!!

That just isn’t true. My DH goes out to work and does not have to make our child’s meal when he gets home. That’s done for him. If I worked full time she would probably be fed by a childminder. Cleaning up would be done for me. She might go to breakfast club as well. These things are part of childcare and SOME working parents fit them in. Most outsource at least some of it.

Now I am not saying people in families where both parents work full time don’t work harder than me. I’m sure they do. But I suspect firefighters work harder than my DH. I don’t tell him he doesn’t have a job because he’s not a firefighter.

TabbyMumz I work. My cleaner does most of the cleaning. School children often go to homework club after school or do homework with a childminder - mine did when I went back to work until they were old enough to be home alone.

You have enormous cognitive dissonance about the 50 hours of child care - do preschool children exist in suspended animation while you're at work according to your world view?

If he can't be bothered to do his share of the childcare then he needs to pay for someone else to do his bit.

Send the kids to a nursery or childminder for 2 days a week and take that time off for you. He can afford it.

What hours is he out of the house? What does he do once he wakes up?

He sounds unreasonable but working a very long week can be much much harder than staying at home with kids (although it depends on the kids etc)

How about using some of his salary to get a cleaner and some childcare help?

"Tabbyso you enjoy being a parent. So what? I don’t see how this is relevant. You would expect to be supported by your partner wouldn’t you? You would expect to pay a childminder if you needed to?

Doesn’t make an helpful or useful contribution to the OPs situation."

I am allowed to take part in a debate if I want to and if the debate goes in the direction of being a sahm being work, I'm allowed to comment. In your words you dont think it helps the op...so what!?

Is this every weekend or was he particularly tired this weekend after a hard week at work?

If you'd had a hard week of night waking or stupid o clock starts would he be willing to allow you a lie in at a weekend?

It's hard to know who is being unreasonable without the actual split of workload on a day to day.

I also agree Sahp is a job. It saves a couple childcare etc (circa 1k) per month. However - it's true that whilst it saves that money you also get to socialise, you get to chose if you put the washing machine on now or in an hours time. If you have lunch or in half an hour. Etc. There's a flexibility you don't get with a high powered job - especially one that earns you over 100k.

Plus his comment was a reaction to you saying you did all childcare. So twattish in essence but it's a natural reaction to counteract "I do all....." with "well I do all ....."

Talk. Decide between you what works for you both. Having a baby and toddler is tough. But you both decided to have the children and both need to be happy with the arrangement for raising them.

What are your plans for 4 years time when they are both in school?

In terms of the comment - I think you started it with the "I do 100% of the childcare". Its not nice to throw that in someone's face. His reaction was obviously just in response to that. 50/50 I would say, it was just an petty comment in the middle of an argument and I would let it go. Neither of you were lying- you do do 100% of the childcare, he does make 100% of the money.

In terms of the 2.30pm lie in - is that normal for him? Or was he particularly exhausted and just wanted a weekend off?

Laying in till 2.30 on both days is a p*sstake, but the "I earn 100% of the money" was in direct response to the childcare comment, so seems all a bit tit for tat.

I've been the SAHP and am now the sole earner, there has to be give and take on both sides. And no one stays in bed till after midday.