"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

Its work for someone else to look after your kids, but I dont see it as work to look after my own kids. Its enjoyable, it's a pleasure, you are lucky if you can do it and not have to go out to work. It's not work.

You are lucky you don’t see it as work. As I said, if I wanted someone else to do it I would need to pay them, so it is work.

In the end once these arguments start it absolutely is better to go back to work and absolutely insist that he does indeed do 50% of the childcare including school and nursery drop offs and time off with a sick child in a year or so, when that age phase starts.

You can bet that he'll believe he's too important to take his share of time off with sick children, 50% of drop offs and pick ups and 50% of non working hours child care and night waking, 50% of grocery and children's clothes shopping, 50% of doctors and dentists appointments and 50% of cooking and cleaning.

He'll either throw in your phase his higher salary even if you work the same hours, or be all in favour of outsourcing as much domestic labour as possible to paid help.

Try it though - you'll be in a better and more confident position whatever happens if you start a serious job search asap. Make sure you don't take on more than 50% of responsibility for finding childcare so you can both work.

If he tells you you can't work because it won't fit around his job you need to have a very serious talk...

He is by mentioning he earns 100% of the money.

I earn 100% of the money in my house, and yes I am a high earner but my DH and I are a team.

He may well be exhausted but then you need discuss it together as equal partners in a marriage, not as a game of top trumps.

Throw in your face not phase

its also not childcare to parent your own children.

So why doesn’t the father do it then? If it’s not work, then why is it such a hassle to get out of bed to do it when he’s around the weekends and evenings?

So why doesn’t the father do it then? If it’s not work, then why is it such a hassle to get out of bed to do it when he’s around the weekends and evenings?

😂

but I dont see it as work to look after my own kids. Its enjoyable, it's a pleasure, you are lucky if you can do it and not have to go out to work.

I love my kids, but looking after them on a day to day basis and doing all the pick up, drop off, homework, cooking, cleaning, etc is absolutely fucking work and I am so glad I have another vocation.

TabbyMunz the point is it can feel relentless if you never get a break. If you always do the night times, even at weekends, you have a constant sleep deficit, exacerbated if you never get a lie-in at weekends. Housework similarly. If you do your fair share, it's fine (you're going to do more as a SAHM, obviously) but if everything is your resp

If her husband had been reasonable about it and said, I'm really tired today, so I need a lie-in but I'll sort the kids out later so you get a break, it probably would have been fine.

*responsibility, even at weekends, you just get exhausted.

He is being unreasonable and i agree with many points from other posters

It would be worth talking to him about it, and checking ever 6 months or so that you are BOTH happy with the current situation

Yep looking after children is WORK.

How much would you have to pay out to cover all the roles you do unpaid? Childminder, housekeeper, gardener, driver etc

I have a feeling he would still have a sense of entitlement owing to the salary he earns even if you went back to work unless you were able to earn the same. Otherwise it would be 'I earn the majority of the income therefore you should do the majority of the childcare/housework ' etc.

When it comes to the inevitable childcare issues when they are sick I would bet his role would be 'far too important' for him to share the care and take time off.... therefore impacting on your career prospects.

You choosing to be a SAHM saves his company money too.

Lots of shitty posts on here disrespectful of those who make a lot of personal sacrifices to be a stay at home unpaid parent.

One bit of advice OP- claim child benefit and pay it back so your pension is still being contributed to.

I would also be looking into what recreational habits he has which means he can't dynamite his arse out of bed before 2.30pm....

And Mothers who go out to work do this on top of going to work

Great, so fathers can do the same then can’t they?

You don’t get to opt out of parenting just because you have a job, I don’t understand why these men have kids in the first place.

Also, OP, if he knows that you will never leave, never actually accept a position and start on monday, never expect him to rearrange his schedule, never do anything to arrange childcare, if he KNOWS all this and it's true, that you're all talk then there is no point in saying anything to be honest.

You'd be better off spending a few months researching the job market, getting your CV up to date, registering with agencies, researching childcare, whatever else you would do if you were going to go back to work.

That way, if and when you do bring it up, if he senses that you're not just 'venting' that you are genuinely not prepared to let the current arrangement continue with the attitude that he has, then he will have to listen.

At the moment, he'll just hear white noise I'd suspect.

I have been through this by the way. I left in the end. I could flippantly say that showed him, but he would have lost far less if he'd relinquished some of his freedom/income/power.

its also not childcare to parent your own children.

I am parenting my child whether I am at home with her or not. My husband is parenting her right now. We’re both parents, so that is a done deal. What I am doing that he isn’t doing is the physical and mental work of childcare. If you don’t see that as work, good for you. But I do.

In the end once these arguments start it absolutely is better to go back to work and absolutely insist that he does indeed do 50% of the childcare including school and nursery drop offs and time off with a sick child in a year or so, when that age phase starts.

No I think that’s wrong too. It it’s best for the kids to have a SAHP, and the P is happy to do it, then why does that parent have to return to work earlier just because the other parent is being an arse about it?

Why is the pressure to go back? Especially as that parent likely has had to have a career break and often then earns less, and often has to be part time, and often has to do most of the sick leave. That doesn’t solve the problem of the lack of a team.

I say that as I often got zero sympathy from my career and feminist friends when I decided to be a SAhM. The pressure on me to go back to work was enormous. Despite the fact that my child is SN and there were a million very good reasons for me to be at home rather than childcare and working.

I think you need to have a serious discussion with him. He also needs to be contributing to family life and not just by providing 100% of the money.
Obviously he's working very hard and is very tired but he needs to be doing part of the work at home and childcare. He should be building a relationship with his children and doing things with them when he is at home. He should be giving you a break as well so that you have a bit of time for yourself. He also deserves a break at the weekends too but it's ridiculous of him to sleep until 2.30 pm on a Saturday.
A lie-in, yes, but after that he should be up and doing something. What time did he lie-in to on Sunday?
What a complete waste of a weekend. Why isn't he organizing a day out for the children? Why isn't he entertaining them to give you a break?
What chores does he do around the house? What does he do on weekday evenings?

I appreciate he works hard but he can't just swan in at 6 pm and doss around on the couch because he earns 100 % of the money.

My Dad worked really hard and also had to work on Saturday mornings but he still managed to cook in the evenings, do the ironing, do the weekly food shop, take us out every Sunday afternoon. He must have been exhausted and he was looking after elderly parents too but he still did it. He earned 100% of the money and my Mam had health problems but they muddled through by BOTH pulling their weight at home.

I have been both and can happily say that I would rather go to work (office based in my case) than be a SAHM to 2 preschool children. I find work much easier. I really love my children but SAHM was not for me. I have huge respect for anyone who can. I couldn’t cope with the relentlessness of it and the fact that I never had a real break until my DH got home because I could never switch off at play dates or playgroups. The OP needs to go away for a weekend so her DH understands what she does every day. He needs to respect her contribution to the family and pull his weight.

He's a dickhead who doesn't value your time. Address it. Do you want to go back to work? He only makes 100% of the money because you support him to.

He really needs a head check!

"That’s irrelevant. It is work. It’s not a hobby. If I was going out to work my husband and I would have to split it or pay someone to do it. It’s not fun, it’s work. Childcare is work."
I'm sorry, but I completely disagree with you. I will never see looking after my children as work. It's just not. You get to enjoy being with your children all day long. You get to go out and watch them have fun in the park. You get to sit in the garden whilst they are playing at your feet. You get to take them to school and see them with their friends. It's just not work. Work is having to get up and travel to an office Having to be professional and focus on something for hours on end. Do meetings you dont like. Liaise with people you dont like. Do things you dont like. If looking after your children is work, why do so many people not want to go back to work because they want to stay with their baby?

TabbyMumz mothers who go out to work do not do exactly the same as Sahm plus work. That's just a blatent outright lie which for some reason some people trot out as if daring anyone to point out that it's physically and it's logistically impossible unless you've cloned yourself!

If you work a 40 hour week outside the home and have a 30 minute commute from wherever your child is during the day to work, and have a preschool child, then you do 50 hours per week less hands-on child care (including but obviously by no means limited to nappy changing, potty emptying and the like) than a Sahm.

It's disingenuous at best pretending that a parent who works full time outside the house while their child is cared for by a sahp or a professional child care provider is doing "everything a sahp does plus work". It's an outright lie at worst. I say that as a working parent for the last five years who was a sahp when I had 3 preschool children.

and absolutely insist that he does indeed do 50% of the childcare ... or what, you'll end the marriage ?. You are messing with peoples lives when you start playing that game.

To all of the SAHPs getting defensive that their role is work.

Re-direct your energies elsewhere fgs. I work ft and I'm a single parent, and I know that parenthood ROBS you of your freedom and that is the real sacrifice. In my opinion. Giving up that freedom was not something I had any choice in but what SAHPs sould be doing in my opinion is not shouting loudly at working parents that looking after young DC is hard work (christ, who doesn't know that) but rather, making sure that the loss of your freedom is acknowledged and appreciated and valued. If you're in a relationship and you have given up 100% of your freedom and your partner has lost no freedom and has 0% of the responsibility during working hours then you need to either be glad that your partner GETS that, or spend your energy making this point.

Telling posters who have their own job and pension that wiping arses is hard work too is a waste of your time.

I've wiped arses. I know it's shit! literally.

@Tabby so you enjoy being a parent. So what? I don’t see how this is relevant. You would expect to be supported by your partner wouldn’t you? You would expect to pay a childminder if you needed to?

Doesn’t make an helpful or useful contribution to the OPs situation.

2.30 is ridiculous for a lie in. As for his comment I would send him an invoice for exactly how much childcare for both kids would cost if they went to a nursery so he can see the price it will be. I would turn start looking for a job. I have 3 kids with additional needs and 1 who is still a baby. I work it’s only one day a week. I find going to work is a break even though I have a busy job. It also brings in extra money. My dh made a slight cheeky comment about his money. I set him straight about how much I earned (nearly half his wage for much less hours), pointed out childcare for our 3 kids would cost us in excess of £10k a year part time despite one being in nursery and one in school. I also then left more of the household chores for him to do while I was at work. He had been getting of light as I was doing everything so all he had to do was tidy up after the kids lunches etc, a load of washing and drying then cook a stick in the oven dinner (I make most things from scratch). He soon changed his tune and the first day I came home he was absolutely exhausted.

TabbyMumz work is only work if it's in an office? Even a toddler could correct you on that one!