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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague relying on me for lifts!!

272 replies

Sarbr3 · 12/02/2020 18:40

Hi guys
I'm new here and haven't posted yet but need some advice for my dillema!
My work is an hours drive away and quite tricky (but not impossible) to get too via public transport. A girl started on my team September last year and asked if i could take her too and from work every now and then as she had a driving test booked in..
Fast forward nearly 6 months and she has failed three tests. She now completely relies on me for lifts and I recieve a text every evening (usually at 11pm) asking if i can bring her in. She hasn't had ANY lessons just practices with her partner.
She pays me, but not as much as I ask her for and it's usually a lump sum on pay day which amounts to less than we have agreed.
On top of this there have been two occasions where I've not been able to bring her in last minute and she has rung in sick saying she feels physically "too weak" to get the train!!!
Ive tried to speak to her about feeling pressure to get her into work but she hasn't picked up the hint. She's quite defensive and Im sure that if i say i no longer want this responsibility she will argue that I'm going that way anyway (i pass her house).
But its taking a real toll on me as this journey is my wind down time, and I do feel pressure to work my plans around her!
I'm torn between being straight with her and ending all lifts as i think even just saying two a week would become more than that. Or lying and saying that I'm moving house 😂 i rent at the moment so it's not too unbelievable. Obviously I don't feel comfortable lying, but I think i need to put my own wellbeing first and this is really getting me down.
I wouldn't mind, but she has never got public transport in and we have nothing in common to talk about (she's actually rather opinionated). And also why would you take a job you can't get too??!
Sorry rant over, it's just really getting me down. I need reassurance that I'm not being a complete b* for not wanting to do it anymore, or advice of how to get out of this situation!
Just an add on, i told her to get lessons two months ago and wait to rebook her test. As far as i know she's made no effort to find a driving instructor 😣

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 12/02/2020 18:43

there have been so many threads from people in your situation.

You have every right to stop giving a lift to a CF.

Text her to say you will no longer be able to give her any lifts. You do not need to give a reason.

do you have to see her much during your day at work?

elQuintoConyo · 12/02/2020 18:43

Text: as of Monday, I can no longer drive you to or from work. You'll have to make other arrangements.

If she starts wheedling, just repeat "I'm sorry, but this doesn't work for me any more" and stick to it. Don't waver. You owe her no further explanations.

Brew
GrannyWeatherwaxsBroomstick · 12/02/2020 18:44

You are not being a b
You are right, it is mad to take a job you can’t get to. If you don’t want to give her a lift it sounds as though you are going to have to be direct and to the point. Cfs don’t take hints.
Just tell her that as of next week (or whenever suits you) you can’t give her a lift. Don’t get into a discussion about it cos cfs always try to find a way round you.

Shoxfordian · 12/02/2020 18:44

Why would she need to pass her test when she has her own chauffeur? She's taking the piss

Text her and say

Sorry but I can't give you any more lifts

No need to explain

LowcaAndroidow · 12/02/2020 18:45

Just tell her you can't do it anymore. If she presses you just say you have personal issues and don't want to talk about it!

AnduinsGirl · 12/02/2020 18:45

God, fuck this. Please don't feel obliged to keep doing this - I totally get what you mean about needing the wind down time. I recently took a colleague to work for a week and it was fine..but it wouldn't have been beyond then. Honestly, don't even feel like you have to make an excuse!

Apolloanddaphne · 12/02/2020 18:45

Why have you let her off with saying the agreed amount? I would be telling her that as she has n=ben taking the poiss fir 6 months she is no longer getting a lift. When she texts tonight to ask just say 'no'. Say no every time from now on.

Apolloanddaphne · 12/02/2020 18:45

Sorry about the typos. 'been taking the piss for' that should say!

MeTimeInProgress · 12/02/2020 18:46

There seems to be alot of this going around!
Giving someone daily lifts like this would drive me insane.

Give her 1 weeks notice and end the agreement. I assume she is an adult so she can find her own way to work.

BrokenWing · 12/02/2020 18:48

Its Wednesday, tell her come Monday you cant do anymore and stick to it. Send the text now so she's got time to make alternative plans before Monday.

nevermorelenore · 12/02/2020 18:51

If she was paying on time and you got on well with her, then I'd say why not, since you aren't going out of your way. But by not paying you what you are owed and being a pain in the arse, she has CFed herself out of a lift. Just say you can no longer do it from X date and let her sort out her own life.

BritInUS1 · 12/02/2020 18:52

Just text and tell her as of Monday you are no longer able to offer lifts

cologne4711 · 12/02/2020 18:55

What happens when you have annual leave? Presumably she manages it then.

You could just say no more from next week (or tomorrow!), or at worst, stop the arrangement after your next annual leave.

No good turn ever goes unpunished. Car sharing make sense but it has to work for everyone involved.

Cmagic7 · 12/02/2020 18:56

Just say that you agreed to it because it was only meant to be temporary, but now it's become long term, unfortunately she'll have to find other arrangements.

Thislife2018 · 12/02/2020 18:56

As others have said give her a few days notice and stop. No need to explain. It’s not your problem.

Tombliwho · 12/02/2020 18:56

Oh mate! You've got yourself a CF.
I think it needs knocking on the head, if she can't take the hint and you think she would push any boundaries you try then you've got to have to go cold turkey and just stop.
Give her a bit of notice and just say "as of blah blah I won't be able to give lifts to and from work. Just giving you notice so that you can make alternative arrangements."
And then try not to be drawn into discussion.

Rainbowshine · 12/02/2020 18:57

Not only are you no longer offering her the lifts but you expect the shortfall of money due to be paid in full by x date.

CoraPirbright · 12/02/2020 18:58

she has rung in sick saying she feels physically "too weak" to get the train!!!

WTAF? And your employer was ok with this??? Shock

CoraPirbright · 12/02/2020 18:59

Isn’t one of your New Years resolutions to visit your elderly relatives early in the morning and take evening classes in potter too OP? Wink

CoraPirbright · 12/02/2020 18:59

*pottery

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/02/2020 19:00

Why would she need to pass her test when she has her own chauffeur?

Definitely this. She can either:

A. Spend time and money on extra practice/lessons and tests, pay to buy herself a car, pay to tax, MoT and insure it, pay for all repairs, have to remember to fill it with fuel/charge it and also pay for that, remember to check the tyres and oil etc, have to expend a lot of energy and stress in driving it (having to concentrate for two hours a day and unable to use her phone), finding the right/best route, battling through traffic and finding somewhere to park it, both at home and at the workplace;

B. Let you do all of that and, in return, give you whatever nominal amount of money she feels like giving you, whenever she can be bothered to do so - just enough to make it 'justifiable' that she isn't massively taking advantage of you (which she obviously is).

That's a very difficult dilemma for her...

EuroMillionsWinner · 12/02/2020 19:01

Exactly what elQuinto said. That's it, no apologies, excuses, justifications or discussions. It doesn't work for me, so you'll need to make your own arrangements.

Longwhiskers14 · 12/02/2020 19:02

My OH found himself in this situation - a colleague lived around the corner from us and wanted a lift every day. My OH didn't want to do that, so said he didn't mind every now and then as an emergency but driving was the only time he got to himself outside work and home and he didn't want to commit to a permanent arrangement. The colleague eventually got a job closer to home, which is what your colleague should do OP if she's struggling to get to your workplace. It's not your responsibility to get her there! Tell her the lifts are stopping from Monday.

JRUIN · 12/02/2020 19:03

You have to pass her house to get to work anyway, she gives you a bit of money towards the petrol, and you are doing your bit for the environment by car sharing. Unpopular opinion but I think YABU.

letmebefrank · 12/02/2020 19:05

Just tell her she'll have to make her own way to and from work starting Monday as you will no longer be able to drive her. Don't discuss it.