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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague relying on me for lifts!!

272 replies

Sarbr3 · 12/02/2020 18:40

Hi guys
I'm new here and haven't posted yet but need some advice for my dillema!
My work is an hours drive away and quite tricky (but not impossible) to get too via public transport. A girl started on my team September last year and asked if i could take her too and from work every now and then as she had a driving test booked in..
Fast forward nearly 6 months and she has failed three tests. She now completely relies on me for lifts and I recieve a text every evening (usually at 11pm) asking if i can bring her in. She hasn't had ANY lessons just practices with her partner.
She pays me, but not as much as I ask her for and it's usually a lump sum on pay day which amounts to less than we have agreed.
On top of this there have been two occasions where I've not been able to bring her in last minute and she has rung in sick saying she feels physically "too weak" to get the train!!!
Ive tried to speak to her about feeling pressure to get her into work but she hasn't picked up the hint. She's quite defensive and Im sure that if i say i no longer want this responsibility she will argue that I'm going that way anyway (i pass her house).
But its taking a real toll on me as this journey is my wind down time, and I do feel pressure to work my plans around her!
I'm torn between being straight with her and ending all lifts as i think even just saying two a week would become more than that. Or lying and saying that I'm moving house 😂 i rent at the moment so it's not too unbelievable. Obviously I don't feel comfortable lying, but I think i need to put my own wellbeing first and this is really getting me down.
I wouldn't mind, but she has never got public transport in and we have nothing in common to talk about (she's actually rather opinionated). And also why would you take a job you can't get too??!
Sorry rant over, it's just really getting me down. I need reassurance that I'm not being a complete b* for not wanting to do it anymore, or advice of how to get out of this situation!
Just an add on, i told her to get lessons two months ago and wait to rebook her test. As far as i know she's made no effort to find a driving instructor 😣

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 12/02/2020 20:43

I wish I had the balls of people like this sometimes. My life would be so much easier with someone running around after me.

Switch that phone off. Be brutal.

Vanhi · 12/02/2020 20:43

Well yes she's going to have to now isn't she? Because God forbid someone should do something to help another person out especially if, horror of horrors, they might have to speak to the person!

I do agree that it's great to help. It's also better for the environment to car share and traffic would be less bad if we did, since you could 1/2 or even 1/4 the number of vehicles on the road. However, the OP is spending 10 hours in a car with this person, per week. It's more than another day's work in total. There aren't many people I'd want to spend that much time with.

If the person concerned was nice, and wasn't a CF I'd probably say 'I'll be going past your house at [time] and leaving at [time] if you would like a lift. But I wouldn't be changing my plans for them, at least not repeatedly every day. And the OP has been enabling her. But this cannot be a long term solution. She's already off sick if the OP can't take her in. She has to make some effort and show willing in some way.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 12/02/2020 20:50

Yep cheeky fucker for sure,tell her straight.
I love cf lift threads Grin

LolaSmiles · 12/02/2020 20:51

Well done OP. Now hold firm and be prepared for the Sunday night text at the end of her annual leave where she is a last minute panic / her new plans have fallen through / she was going to get the train but can't get there / her OP is ill so can't take her. Do not give in.

Original poster
Sarbr3 · 12/02/2020 20:51

She said no worries see you in work 👍 by the way, what does cf mean??

OP posts:
FartingInTheFence · 12/02/2020 20:52

Fuck your manager.

You're not paid to take that CF to work. If your manager does make an issue of it when the CF explains you dont give her a lift, simply say to your manager that its not in your job function to provide lifts.

Tell them both to fuck off and to leave you alone.

SewItGoes · 12/02/2020 20:52

I always wonder if people who think someone else should "be kind" (i.e. "shut up", per another thread) and continue "helping" someone indefinitely, even when it's inconvenient and unpleasant, is doing so just to stir the pot.

I'd also be interested in a detailed list of all the (unenjoyable, not self-serving) things this type of poster is personally doing solely in the name of "being kind".

TheFastandTheCurious · 12/02/2020 20:54

Cf = cheeky fucker

Effiedg · 12/02/2020 20:54

02Sarbr3

You are so right. When you give lifts to someone you do feel like you have a responsibility. In the past, I have given regular lifts to people who live near me and I don't think they appreciate what the driver goes through. It adds to the daily stress. They just think 'Well, she's going anyway and she lives near me. What could be the problem?'

it is stressful being responsible for someone else and then having to listen to their drivel.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/02/2020 20:59

You do realise that she will use the next three weeks to bully. coerce, guilt and blackmail you into continuing the lifts, don't you?

WhatsTheLatest · 12/02/2020 21:01

That's a good result. Hopefully she will respect your decision and not try and guilt trip you

Original poster
Sarbr3 · 12/02/2020 21:14

I felt that if anything the reaction would be guilt trip, play nicey nicey but make me feel bad. Playing up to my neurotic people pleasing side as much as 😂 but you have to put yourself first in life and I have enough on my plate without taking on someone else unwarranted baggage! Will keep reminding myself of this chat in the coming weeks 😂

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 12/02/2020 21:17

You don't have to carry on doing this. When she took the job, she wouldn't have known that you could take her every day, and must - presumably - have come up with alternative arrangements.

If you can't give her lifts (or don't want to - no reason needed), she will have to either learn to drive quicker, get a lift from her partner, get public transport, get a taxi, or get a job she can actually get to her. Entirely up to her which she chooses tbh.

It would do my absolute head in this anyway, and it was something I struggled with a bit as a teen as I got a car before most of the others. I love my drives to be quiet, it's my me time and time to think .. I don't actually like driving with passengers, so committing to it long term isn't something I'd do.

mumwon · 12/02/2020 21:23

I usually blame dh for something like this (& than tell him that he forbidden me from doing something - & remind him - he is a bit clueless Grin) actually dh needs me to do something or take him somewhere ...

MadeForThis · 12/02/2020 21:27

She's not complaining because she's off on holidays for a week. Bet you get a text sob story next Sunday asking for a lift.

StiffUpperQuip · 12/02/2020 21:39

I have a thread about this too. Only in my case it's bereaved friends who I actually like the company of and do want to stay friends with. In your case though I think it would be a lot easier for me to say hell no. She's not your friend, you don't have anything in common, you haven't offered the assistance (as I inadvertently did) and she has made no effort to find an alternative even knowing you need her to and she's not even bothering to pay you the agreed amount?

If you really must, fake a new hobby such as going to the gym on the other side of town every morning and visiting an elderly relative after work.

StealthPolarBear · 12/02/2020 21:41

Well done op! Not often a CF thread gets a resolution

WarrenNicole · 12/02/2020 22:02

I found myself in a situation whereby, because I drive, I was just expected to pick up and drop family members off whenever there was a get together. I couldn’t imagine finding myself in that situation on a daily basis OP. I can’t believe you have been doing it since September. It’s the expectation and entitlement, isn’t it. Infuriating!

BadLad · 13/02/2020 01:45

I always wonder if people who think someone else should "be kind" (i.e. "shut up", per another thread) and continue "helping" someone indefinitely, even when it's inconvenient and unpleasant, is doing so just to stir the pot.*

Mumsnet has always been very generous with other people's time and resources.

katy1213 · 13/02/2020 02:13

An hour's drive there and back is 10 hours a week with someone you don't much like. You'd have to be a saint!

Beautiful3 · 13/02/2020 02:25

Good for you op. Stand your ground.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 13/02/2020 02:31

On all counts well done!!

I've given lifts before... To people I've liked who have agreed to pay a reasonable contribution.... I refuse to give regular lifts to people I find tiresome (daily fail readers etc Grin) or people who take the piss....

We are soooo socialised as women to just take responsibility for everyone else and be everyone's doormat....

I completely understand how people need decompressing time without having to make conversation...

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 13/02/2020 03:06

She will ask you for a lift again. Mark my words. But just stick to what you said OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/02/2020 04:01

Mmm odds on you’ll be getting texts very soon. She has been asking you on a daily basis precisely because she knows it contravenes your agreement to occasional lifts. Why would she stop now?

TreeTopTim · 13/02/2020 04:40

She took that too easy for someone who comes across as liking drama and playing the victim. I have a feeling that she will 'report' you to your manager or think that you aren't being serious and contact you when she gets back from her annual leave as if nothing has happened.