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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague relying on me for lifts!!

272 replies

Sarbr3 · 12/02/2020 18:40

Hi guys
I'm new here and haven't posted yet but need some advice for my dillema!
My work is an hours drive away and quite tricky (but not impossible) to get too via public transport. A girl started on my team September last year and asked if i could take her too and from work every now and then as she had a driving test booked in..
Fast forward nearly 6 months and she has failed three tests. She now completely relies on me for lifts and I recieve a text every evening (usually at 11pm) asking if i can bring her in. She hasn't had ANY lessons just practices with her partner.
She pays me, but not as much as I ask her for and it's usually a lump sum on pay day which amounts to less than we have agreed.
On top of this there have been two occasions where I've not been able to bring her in last minute and she has rung in sick saying she feels physically "too weak" to get the train!!!
Ive tried to speak to her about feeling pressure to get her into work but she hasn't picked up the hint. She's quite defensive and Im sure that if i say i no longer want this responsibility she will argue that I'm going that way anyway (i pass her house).
But its taking a real toll on me as this journey is my wind down time, and I do feel pressure to work my plans around her!
I'm torn between being straight with her and ending all lifts as i think even just saying two a week would become more than that. Or lying and saying that I'm moving house 😂 i rent at the moment so it's not too unbelievable. Obviously I don't feel comfortable lying, but I think i need to put my own wellbeing first and this is really getting me down.
I wouldn't mind, but she has never got public transport in and we have nothing in common to talk about (she's actually rather opinionated). And also why would you take a job you can't get too??!
Sorry rant over, it's just really getting me down. I need reassurance that I'm not being a complete b* for not wanting to do it anymore, or advice of how to get out of this situation!
Just an add on, i told her to get lessons two months ago and wait to rebook her test. As far as i know she's made no effort to find a driving instructor 😣

OP posts:
GoodDogBellaBoo · 12/02/2020 20:06

Tell her straight, you are doing her a massive favour and she doesn’t even have the decency or appreciation to pay you tje money agreed.

ilovesooty · 12/02/2020 20:08

Well done @Sarbr3.

FraglesRock · 12/02/2020 20:10

And I'd be up front with your manager

Just to let you know that cf will be responsible to getting herself to and from work from x date. I agreed to a few lifts here and there not to be a daily taxi service. I know you'll agree that enough is enough and it's time for cf to become independent like everyone else here.

polkadotpj · 12/02/2020 20:11

Bravo. Has she replied?

skippyskipsy · 12/02/2020 20:11

Another one saying YANBU op. That would drive me insane!!!

HalfBiscuit · 12/02/2020 20:16

Did you text her or tell her face to face?

TheTruthAboutLove · 12/02/2020 20:18

I did this for a couple of weeks and the colleague was one of my best friends - but it was just unbearable. My morning and evening commute is my time on my own, to think, to process the day and what is coming up or has happened, to listen to my playlists, to call my Mum. Making small talk with someone is my idea of hell and it makes me anxious.

I remember when I didn’t drive and travelled two hours on public transport there, two hours back and a twelve hour shift in the middle. It was only 15 miles away! But I was so worried about asking anyone for help or being a burden it just got me to learn to drive even quicker.

Well done OP for standing up to her. Is she young? She sounds quite immature with the refusing to make alternative arrangements if you’re not available. Keep us posted!

JRUIN · 12/02/2020 20:18

@Sarbr3 just the fact that she has the audacity to complain about the music you listen to in YOUR car makes me change my mind completely! She is indeed a cheeky fucker and you are right not to give her lifts to and fro work anymore.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 12/02/2020 20:22

I think you should think of a phrase to keep repeating to your passenger and manager. You don’t owe anyone an explanation but you’re going to get asked for one. Probably repeatedly.
Something like “My personal arrangements have changed. I don’t want to discuss it. It’s private”. These people (particularly your manager) should have to reflect on the fact that they are not entitled to know your business any more than they are entitled to impose upon your time.

VenusTiger · 12/02/2020 20:22

@JRUIN yep - I've been in situations where I've given my time to someone, and they've just completely taken the piss - kindness is indeed a two-way thing.

Babooshkar · 12/02/2020 20:23

Good on you OP!

BobbyBlueCat · 12/02/2020 20:26

@Sarbr3 Out of curiosity, what does she say when she gives you the cash on payday and it's not the full agreed amount when you pull her up on it?
I presume you say to her "that's not the price we agreed"?

Witchofzog · 12/02/2020 20:26

Good for you op. Any news?

Stuckupsnob · 12/02/2020 20:26

Lying about going to the gym or after work classes would be awkward when it gets round the office and people question you about how your fitness is or what pots have you made in pottery.

How awkward for you, I don’t think she’s got a cat in hells chance of passing her test any time soon. So I think you’ll have to cheerily say “ sorry but I can’t give you lifts anymore, as it was a temporary arrangement, but the trains are good and you have a bike don’t you.”

do you have a husband/partner/children/dog that you could use as a vague excuse.. they need lifts !

Original poster
Sarbr3 · 12/02/2020 20:28

Okay she replied saying it's okay but asking if she had upset me in some way, which is exactly what I was expecting but am happy to answer no it's just not going to work out. Hopefully we can move on and there's no awkwardness between us, but thankyou all for giving me a kick up the arse to do it!

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 12/02/2020 20:28

However she reacts, it's not your fault. YANBU

BumbleBeee69 · 12/02/2020 20:31

tell her .. Of course not... but it's just not practical for me anymore. Grin

happilysinglemum · 12/02/2020 20:34

Taking money in return for lifts may well be classed as hire and reward for insurance purposes, simply tell her your insurance does not cover you.

Stuckupsnob · 12/02/2020 20:34

Well done and good luck.. if she gets arsey I would just say to her that’ll she’ll be fine, lots of people take the train and bike to work, but you have to give priority to your family and then walk away, leave it at that.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2020 20:36

“My personal arrangements have changed. I don’t want to discuss it. It’s private”

If the "okay, but have I upset you?" changes into anything worse, and if you really want a good reply, this is perfect

CaveMum · 12/02/2020 20:36

Well done OP.

Fluffy40 · 12/02/2020 20:37

If you were claiming mileage that would be 200.00 per week, that’s a lot of cash. Be strong.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 12/02/2020 20:38

Good on you OP, finally someone on this site had the self respect and guts to stand up for themself.

I think JRUIN is a non-driver so has no idea how selfish and CF their attitude is.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2020 20:39

Oh, and do make sure you update the manager tomorrow that the lifts won't be happening any more
I'd like to think she won't run whinging to them with some silly story, but best to cover all bases just in case

Catchuptv · 12/02/2020 20:43

Good for you - think about it - 10 hours a week now - all to yourself the petrol money is not worth that.
Enjoy

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