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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague relying on me for lifts!!

272 replies

Sarbr3 · 12/02/2020 18:40

Hi guys
I'm new here and haven't posted yet but need some advice for my dillema!
My work is an hours drive away and quite tricky (but not impossible) to get too via public transport. A girl started on my team September last year and asked if i could take her too and from work every now and then as she had a driving test booked in..
Fast forward nearly 6 months and she has failed three tests. She now completely relies on me for lifts and I recieve a text every evening (usually at 11pm) asking if i can bring her in. She hasn't had ANY lessons just practices with her partner.
She pays me, but not as much as I ask her for and it's usually a lump sum on pay day which amounts to less than we have agreed.
On top of this there have been two occasions where I've not been able to bring her in last minute and she has rung in sick saying she feels physically "too weak" to get the train!!!
Ive tried to speak to her about feeling pressure to get her into work but she hasn't picked up the hint. She's quite defensive and Im sure that if i say i no longer want this responsibility she will argue that I'm going that way anyway (i pass her house).
But its taking a real toll on me as this journey is my wind down time, and I do feel pressure to work my plans around her!
I'm torn between being straight with her and ending all lifts as i think even just saying two a week would become more than that. Or lying and saying that I'm moving house 😂 i rent at the moment so it's not too unbelievable. Obviously I don't feel comfortable lying, but I think i need to put my own wellbeing first and this is really getting me down.
I wouldn't mind, but she has never got public transport in and we have nothing in common to talk about (she's actually rather opinionated). And also why would you take a job you can't get too??!
Sorry rant over, it's just really getting me down. I need reassurance that I'm not being a complete b* for not wanting to do it anymore, or advice of how to get out of this situation!
Just an add on, i told her to get lessons two months ago and wait to rebook her test. As far as i know she's made no effort to find a driving instructor 😣

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarbr3 · 12/02/2020 19:29

Everyone is making a great point though that she is taking the piss, and if I were advising a friend I would say exactly the same!

OP posts:
PepsiLola · 12/02/2020 19:29

I wouldn't give her a month, a fortnight if you want to be nice.

Do you get paid at the end of the month? Why not tell her from March you're not doing lifts so she can buy a train pass on payday?

44PumpLane · 12/02/2020 19:30

If she rings in sick every time you can't take her in, just spend the next 2 weeks replying to her 11pm text letting her know you can't do the lift the next day.... If she keeps calling in sick your problem will soon be solved! Wink

However, on a serious note, just tell her you can't take her in anymore. She doesn't deserve an explanation and she's not entitled to one. Stick to your guns here.

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 19:31

@Sarbr3 stop letting colleague and manager puss all over you, this is NOT your problem to solve.

I can tell you now that will not pass her driving test. Why should she when you will drive her around? Buy a clue!!

HermioneWeasley · 12/02/2020 19:31

She won’t have passed her test and got a car in another 4 weeks, so I really wouldn’t. I’d tell her that this isn’t working for you, so when she’s back on 24th Feb she’ll have to make her own way to and from work. If you want to add a little to the strength of it, I would also tell her she owns you £x as se hasn’t paid the agreed amounts so far (you’ll never get it, but it might dissuade her from pursuing it)

I would also tell your work - I cannot believe they let her get away with calling in sick because she didn’t want to take public transport. You’re doing them a favour showing she’s lazy and unreliable - hopefully they will get shot of her.

echt · 12/02/2020 19:32

A pity your manager is involved.

All the more reason to end the lifts now. Do it by text, do not get into reasons. Just say it doesn't work for you. Repeat. Say the same to the manager if they ask, but only if they ask.

This co-worker will be unpleasant if their histrionics about being too weak to get to the train are anything to go by. If she does, take it up with the manager but do not explain your decision not to give a lift.

CalamityJune · 12/02/2020 19:34

I've been in a similar position to this twice. I also live an hour away from work.

First time I was collecting someone up who didn't drive but lived 5 miles from work. Meant that I had to stick to a schedule and also take the more congested route to work in order to pass her house. I did get on with her though, and she always paid petrol money. Eventually someone more local offered so i was relieved of my duties.

Second time, I was put on the spot by someone who lived in my home town. Couldnt come up with a reason not to so agreed. She was an awful driver, risky overtakes and would ask for directions to my house every single godforsaken time even though I live on a side street off an A road, hardly the middle of an estate. Would never have the radio on to give something distracting to listen to, just her own playlists. When I was driving she would wheel her trolley through all the muck and crap on the pavement and then plonk it straight onto my back seat, even though she knew the car was just new (to me).

Thankfully I got pregnant so made the case that I couldnt be reliable due to morning sickness and tiredness and would prefer to be on my own schedule.

VenusTiger · 12/02/2020 19:35

@JRUIN well then, she can use public transport instead.
@Sarbr3 what happens when you're off ill/on holiday/car in garage? Does she call in sick then too?

Nonnymum · 12/02/2020 19:36

If its not out of your way and you are going anyway I would carry on giving the lifts. But only if she goes into work and leaves the same time as you and she is clear that there may be days you can't give her a lift due to illness, holidays etc. So you neve feel obliged. More like 'I am going today at x o'clock and leaving at x o'clock if you want a lift come to my house by x and be at my desk by x. If you're not there I assume you are making your own way.'

Aridane · 12/02/2020 19:36

Good luck

Longwhiskers14 · 12/02/2020 19:37

Unless your employer is giving you money to ferry her to and from work, it's got bugger all to do with them! So put that straight out of your mind, it has no bearing whatsoever on this situation. I think you're very generous giving her another month – you should tell her next week while she's off so it starts from the Monday she's back. If she can't hack it, she can use her week off to apply for new jobs!

wineandroses1 · 12/02/2020 19:37

Op, be brave, just do it! No silly 3-4 weeks, no fake reasons why, be strong and get rid of this leech.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/02/2020 19:37

I honestly feel responsible, my manager knows about my issues with the arrangement but would rather have an employee that can get to work.

That's completely understandable for your manager. All s/he needs to do is to start planning their journey to enable them to pick her up on the way in and then drop them off on the way home. Sorted, everybody happy.

Your manager is just as much a CF as your colleague. If her attendance is so essential to your manager and she isn't expected to do the normal adult thing and arrange to get there and back herself like everybody else does, then your manager could always set up a standing order to you for the company to pay her fair travel costs - three quarters of the cost of the fuel for the round trip, as you're covering all the car costs and having to drive it.

If you 'are doing the journey anyway, so she isn't costing any extra', you could say exactly the same of her. Why do you stand all of the costs by default? Try getting on a bus and refusing to pay your fare on the grounds that there are already passengers on there, so they're going that way anyway.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2020 19:38

i hate confrontation!! And am hoping to avoid it if at all possible

Yes, and both she and the manager are taking full advantage of this. I've no doubt the manager would "rather have an employee that can get to work", but that's really not your problem is it?

It is, however, a good reason to say to them too that you won't be doing it any more ... and you don't have to justify it to the manager either

Littlewelshridinghood · 12/02/2020 19:38

No need to give any explanations, you say you can no longer drive her to work and she needs to make other arrangements and leave it at that.

Wanteddownunder · 12/02/2020 19:40

Also, i hate confrontation
This is part of the problem. Just because you are revising the arrangement doesn’t automatically make it a confrontation. Stop thinking like this.

category12 · 12/02/2020 19:40

If your manager is funny about it, just let them know confidentially that your colleague isn't paying you the petrol money agreed and you're therefore not willing to keep up the arrangement.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/02/2020 19:41

good lord... tell her to GTF Grin

CaveMum · 12/02/2020 19:41

Unless it is in your work contract that you have to give lifts to colleagues then it is no business of your manager’s whether you give her a lift or not. It is your colleagues responsibility to get herself to and from work in a timely fashion.

Put your big girl pants on and text her now “Hi X, giving you lifts to and from work every day no longer works for me. Happy to continue until the end of this week but you will need to make alternative arrangements for when you return from annual leave on 24th Feb.”

No apologies, no excuses. If she tries to argue/plead/cry/tantrum or whatever you just deadpan “the arrangement no longer works for me.”

FamBae · 12/02/2020 19:41

I also used to give a colleague a lift at my suggestion and was very happy to do so but after a year it really started to get me down, it was a little out of my way but once I dropped her off I would hit really heavy traffic which normally I would avoid, the really annoying thing was that she would say the next day "didn't we get home quickly" Noooooooo! you may have done so but I sat in traffic for 40 minutes. Eventually I changed my hours to an earlier start and finish. Don't let your manager guilt you into changing your mind op, you didn't offer she asked and it really isn't your problem you have gone above and beyond and given fair warning.

TheMsMurphy · 12/02/2020 19:42

Bit of a toughie since you work closely with her. I’d just send her a reasonable text saying as of...I won’t be able to give you lifts anymore. You could make up an excuse like you have to go elsewhere after work or leave home earlier for something but you shouldn’t have to. You’ve been kind enough and she’s taken the piss. To be fair I don’t think she’ll struggle too much, I’m sure she’ll be able to cadge a lift from someone else. There’s only so many sick days she can take lol

VenusTiger · 12/02/2020 19:42

What's the difference between telling her tonight and telling her in 3 weeks time??? It makes no sense OP.
As for doing her work when she's off ill - if she calls in sick because she can't be bothered (let's face it, she's being lazy) to catch a train/bus, then she'll lose her job, it's as simple as that.

tanstaafl · 12/02/2020 19:42

“Hi guys”

This one just for the men to respond to OP? Smile

HollowTalk · 12/02/2020 19:43

What's the distance, how much does she pay you and how much is she supposed to pay you?

How many other colleagues could give her a lift?

simplekindoflife · 12/02/2020 19:44

If you're still going to working closely with her then I wouldn't just say a flat no as it could make things really awkward!

Could you say you're going to the gym (which is out of her way) before work? Or say you've got a few (hands free!) calls to make next week so can't pick her up? Then be flakey and vague each day until she gets the hint?

I hate confrontation, it's the only way I could handle it! Blush