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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague relying on me for lifts!!

272 replies

Sarbr3 · 12/02/2020 18:40

Hi guys
I'm new here and haven't posted yet but need some advice for my dillema!
My work is an hours drive away and quite tricky (but not impossible) to get too via public transport. A girl started on my team September last year and asked if i could take her too and from work every now and then as she had a driving test booked in..
Fast forward nearly 6 months and she has failed three tests. She now completely relies on me for lifts and I recieve a text every evening (usually at 11pm) asking if i can bring her in. She hasn't had ANY lessons just practices with her partner.
She pays me, but not as much as I ask her for and it's usually a lump sum on pay day which amounts to less than we have agreed.
On top of this there have been two occasions where I've not been able to bring her in last minute and she has rung in sick saying she feels physically "too weak" to get the train!!!
Ive tried to speak to her about feeling pressure to get her into work but she hasn't picked up the hint. She's quite defensive and Im sure that if i say i no longer want this responsibility she will argue that I'm going that way anyway (i pass her house).
But its taking a real toll on me as this journey is my wind down time, and I do feel pressure to work my plans around her!
I'm torn between being straight with her and ending all lifts as i think even just saying two a week would become more than that. Or lying and saying that I'm moving house 😂 i rent at the moment so it's not too unbelievable. Obviously I don't feel comfortable lying, but I think i need to put my own wellbeing first and this is really getting me down.
I wouldn't mind, but she has never got public transport in and we have nothing in common to talk about (she's actually rather opinionated). And also why would you take a job you can't get too??!
Sorry rant over, it's just really getting me down. I need reassurance that I'm not being a complete b* for not wanting to do it anymore, or advice of how to get out of this situation!
Just an add on, i told her to get lessons two months ago and wait to rebook her test. As far as i know she's made no effort to find a driving instructor 😣

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 12/02/2020 19:06

It's almost the weekend just tell her that you have commitments do can't do this after Friday night .
Then just ignor her texts after that.
But I would mention to your boss, that your stopping her lifts.

EuroMillionsWinner · 12/02/2020 19:12

Door to door taxi service for 'a bit' of money. No wonder she hasn't passed her test or use the train.

ilovesooty · 12/02/2020 19:12

Never apologise. Never explain.
Less is more.
From Monday you can no longer accommodate driving her to work. You are giving her notice to make appropriate alternative arrangements.

category12 · 12/02/2020 19:13

She's truly taking the piss. If she's not paying what she agreed, she's really mugging you off.

What do you say when she underpays you?!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/02/2020 19:14

You have to pass her house to get to work anyway, she gives you a bit of money towards the petrol, and you are doing your bit for the environment by car sharing. Unpopular opinion but I think YABU.

The problem is that it sounds like such a no-brainer and doesn't put the lift-giver out at all. However, it then restricts you to leaving (both home and work) at the same time every day, unable to stop off to visit somebody, do some shopping or anything else as your primary task is now to get them home. You also have to add on extra time for faffing at their house.

The main thing, as has been said, is that it's your own personal wind-down and private time, to listen to your own music or audiobook, enjoy the silence and your own thoughts. 10 hours every week is a huge amount of your life and to have to share it with anybody, let alone somebody you don't have much in common with, is a lot to ask. One of the benefits of having a car over using public transport is that you get your own space and can make your own schedule. If you take the bus and miss out on your own solitude for the journey, at least you don't have to drive or maintain it yourself.

HollowTalk · 12/02/2020 19:15

Does she know your address?

How does she get to work if you're on holiday?

What does she say to you when she doesn't pay you the right amount?

Toria70 · 12/02/2020 19:15

You are NOT responsible for her. End of.

Next text, say "Bad news, but my LL is doing some repair work at mine and I'm having to stay with a friend/relative for the immediate future. it's in the opposite direction to you, so you'll need to find your own way to and from work now on".

HollowTalk · 12/02/2020 19:15

I would hate to spend two hours a day locked in a car with her!

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 19:15

Give her notice that no more lifts from Monday OP! Do it now and feel that the tension drop from your shoulders Brew

TheCakeCrusader · 12/02/2020 19:16

Stop enabling her OP!
I wouldn’t give any further lifts

Original poster
Sarbr3 · 12/02/2020 19:17

Wowww thanks for all the replies, very vaidating to hear that I'm not being completely unreasonable! In response to the doing my bit for the environment, absolutely agree but to ring in sick the only two times I haven't given her notice to get a lift from someone else. Woww that's just demonstrating her sense of entitlement.

Add on to that..she could cycle to the station (about 4 miles in total) 😉
I work very closely with her so there's bound to be awkwardness, but I've given her plenty of time to sort her situation out. So I plan to give her a month from now and if she hasn't passed by then, I will tell her it's not working out anymore.
If I cant give her a lift she either gets her partner to pick her up after his work (its an hour from his work) or gets a lift from another colleague. And wears a very pathetic expression when I tell her I can't! Very frustrating all in all!
So she has next week off work which means I only have 3 more weeks to put up with until freedom 🎉 That way I feel I've done all I can to help her

OP posts:
Wanteddownunder · 12/02/2020 19:18

Text: as of Monday, I can no longer drive you to or from work. You'll have to make other arrangements.If she starts wheedling, just repeat "I'm sorry, but this doesn't work for me any more" and stick to it. Don't waver. You owe her no further explanations.
Exactly this op. Her logistics are absolutely nothing to do with you and you don’t need to feel bad about saying no to this.

JustSayYo · 12/02/2020 19:18

I think this is different from the normal CF situations because you work with her, so it's in your interests to maintain a cordial working relationship with her. I think I'd just come up with some new all-encompassing obligations.

"I've taken up yoga/cheese making/bodybuilding/snake charming in the mornings before work so I won't be able to drive you any more."

"I've started visiting my sick aunt/babysitting a friend's children/running a glass blowing workshop every day after work so I won't be able to drive you any more."

Obviously adapt for feasibility and/or amusement!

ilovesooty · 12/02/2020 19:18

You don't need to explain, or even worse make up stories as some posters suggest.

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 19:20

Why 3 more weeks of this, OP?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2020 19:23

why would you take a job you can't get too??!

It's a fair question, but an even better one is why you're taking her every day when she actually said she wanted a lift "every now and then"? Unless this was a lie designed to hook you in, presumably she had someone else in mind too - in which case she can get straight onto them instead

In any case it's not your problem; simply tell her you won't be able to do it after (insert day) and if she challenges you fall back on the MN standard of "that doesn't work for me now"

managedmis · 12/02/2020 19:23

work very closely with her so there's bound to be awkwardness, but I've given her plenty of time to sort her situation out.

^

She's making it awkward by taking the piss out of you.

flouncyfanny · 12/02/2020 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

managedmis · 12/02/2020 19:24

Do NOT wait 3 weeks. Tell her tomorrow, no more lifts

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/02/2020 19:25

If she ahs a week off work that's plenty of time for her to work out what she's going to do instead.

Don't have this hanging over you for another month. Tell it's been hard work, she's not appreciative and she fails to pay her way so from Friday you're done with it and she should start making other plans. If she is at all argumentative about it just say "See. That's exactly what I mean. Hard work. I don't want to do it any more. I'm being nice to you every single day I give you a lift and your response is appalling. If you want lifts until Friday stop being so rude."

JustSayYo · 12/02/2020 19:25

You don't need to explain, or even worse make up stories as some posters suggest

I agree 100%, you definitely don't need to explain or make anything up but just being honest, that's probably what I would do to keep the peace!

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 19:26

If she’s paid you for Feb give her money back for the last 2 weeks of Feb!

Whynosnowyet · 12/02/2020 19:26

Give her til Fri. Fresh start Monday op. Yanbu to say so.

Original poster
Sarbr3 · 12/02/2020 19:27

I honestly feel responsible, my manager knows about my issues with the arrangement but would rather have an employee that can get to work. As i work closely with her I end up picking up her slack if her sick days increase as a result. At least three weeks is ample for her to use her week off to have intense driving lessons (no confirmation that this she is planning this), and then i can justify my actions as giving her plenty of time to sort herself out. Also, i hate confrontation!! And am hoping to avoid it if at all possible

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 12/02/2020 19:29

Tbh putting up with a face on for three weeks would drive me mad. If you tell her now she's got nearly two weeks to pump her tyres up on her bike.
"Df, just to let you know from after this Friday I won't be able to offer you a lift to or from work anymore. I hope it's been helpful and you've had the time and extra cash to sort your driving lessons. See you tomorrow morning. "

When she acts, why can't you do it.
Well you said it'd be every now and then, and it's not that at all. So it doesn't work for me anymore.

And smile