Can't agree on name for baby: aibu?

[NoGuarantee]

Baby is a week old. Throughout the pregnancy, I would try to talk to my husband about names, made a long list but we both knew we would want to meet the baby before agreeing on the name (we did the same with our daughter and realised that when born, to us, she didn't 'suit' the names we had shortlisted).

So baby is born, I let my husband know the names I think suit the baby and ask what he thinks. He says no to them all. Doesn't hugely elaborate why. I ask him for names he likes. He tells me two which I don't like, although I did say I'd compromise on the spelling for 1 (he wanted the traditional Welsh spelling despite the fact we have no connection to Wales in the slightest which I though would be a bit odd!) and the other I didn't like the 'full' name but would have compromised on the nickname being on the birth cert. Husband said no to nickname and alternative spelling.

I then sent a list of a new 5 names I liked and husband turns them all down, again, no real explanation why. He just says 'no, don't like them'. They are not out there or younique, or too American or anything weird. Think William, Bertie, Frank kind of thing.

Husband supplies list of 5 names which I also don't like. There are two names on there which I don't mind but one is very similar to my nephew (Lewis and Louis) and another is an old friend of the family so I feel it's like naming the baby after someone that we don't have a close enough relationship with. The other 2 names are the two I mentioned earlier (that ive offered compromises for) and a fifth name that I just don't actually like (Tristram).

So, my aibu. I grew this bloody baby for 9 months, put my back and hips out carrying him around commuting 3 hours a day (he weighed 10lb 6oz when born!), went through the labour and birth, am up all night breastfeeding him... AIBU to just demand one of my bloody names?

I know I am. I don't want a name for my baby that I don't like. Why should the dad have a name he doesn't like. But also... Why can't he just like one of my bloody suggestions or accept the compromise?

Help. Please don't reply with more names - there is not a name out there we haven't discussed.

I've sent him a new list of 5 I'd be happy with. Think Charlie, Freddie, Arthur... Type names.

Yabu: you need to keep going and find fresh names you can agree on

YANBU: try to persuade husband to agree to my favourite name based on the fact I'm the mum.

It took DH and I two weeks to name DD1...we persevered until we both liked one. There'll be one out there.

Print out two copies a list of 300 baby names from somewhere.
You each take a copy.
Highlight a third in green (like), orange (OK), red (veto).

Then compare.
If you have any that are both green then repeat again from that list going 1/3, 1/3 1/3
If not then take all the green-orange or orange-orange and repeat.

Keep going until you have 1 name left.

I haven’t voted because I kind of think both.

You should ideally both agree on a name but equally, it doesn’t sound like he’s putting in as much effort as you so eventually I guess you should get your way.

Oh and have you heard of the app Kinder??

It’s like Tinder for baby names (swipe left/ right etc). Then you see what you match on.

I don't subscribe to the "I was pregnant so I decide" on baby names I'm afraid.

It'll take time but you need to find a name you both like... Or in the case of some of my friends, a name that both of you can agree on even though it would be neither of your first choices.

Seems to me OP, you are going for the modern trend of what I think of as 'old fashioned' names. Your DH is going for more unusual ones.

So you either need an old fashioned but unusual name , or to go off piste to a previously popular but less common these days name

(eg John, David, Christopher, Simon, Peter, Kenneth, Norman, Cecil, Dudley, Douglas)

Maybe move away from names for a few days. You've given each other your ideas. There's no rush, DC will have their name for a long time for one of you not to be happy.

I felt like you when my DH and I couldn't decide on a name. In the compromise was the nickname. So the full name which I picked went on the birth certificate and he picked the nickname which does sound very different. Think Elizabeth and Lizzy

DC knows both names and answers to both.

I chose my baby names while pregnant and it took about a week. We had to choose girls and boys names as we didn't know the baby's sex.

I found lists of names on the web e.g. French, Jewish, Muslim, Spanish, Irish, Swedish, Hindu and sent the list links to DP. With every list I selected about 10 names and he would do the same. We would then say yes or no.

It was mostly surprising what names fell into each category as many names are very common in the UK even though they are say Muslim or Jewish. It was then a no to most names. In my case the no was due to knowing one or more people especially children with that name.

Eventually we found 5 names we agreed with and narrowed them down.

Anyway the girls and boys names we ended up with we later discovered were names of deceased people one of us knew.

We then chose a middle name each checking the abbreviations.

You need to change the dynamic of how you do this.

You have just had a gorgeous new baby and you need time to celebrate him together.

The sending of lists is causing an antagonistic vibe, batting them back and forth like a tennis match.

Leave it a day. Get to know your baby more, talk with the baby between you so that you have to use low kind voices.

Ask each other about your favourite characters from books, favourite musicians. Heroes, role models, quirky people.

Aibu is a terrible name for a baby.

You have been given some good advice but, ultimately you need to sit your dh down, pick a method (I like baby name tinder) and go for it. With dd1, dh preferred one name and I another. Two minutes after she was born he asked me 'is she a Phoebe or a Feebo?' (Friends reference, not her real name). He preferred Feebo. I said 'urgh, I hate Feebo, she's clearly a Phoebe!' He went with it as I'd just pushed her out like a superhuman warrior. Previously, he would have fought me, but in that moment he did whatever I asked. I think you have missed that moment. With dd2, we found out we were having a second girl at our scan. Dd1 was struggling to accept the news and wanted to know the sex. When the sonographer said girl, I asked him if he was disappointed. He said no, because his favourite name could go back on the table. From that moment, Feebo just felt right for dd2.

YANBU before pregnancy I would have said ‘baby is equally yours’ but after a bloody nightmare of a pregnancy (currently 6 months in) I do feel like I deserve more say when it comes to this baby than DH.

DH is wonderful but he just hasn’t suffered like me so why would he be entitled to DS in the same way? It’s like everything else in life, the person who puts the most time, energy and sacrifice into something deserves the biggest influence. I would 100% try to agree/compromise with DH wherever possible and we have a healthy relationship so this usually works - but if I felt really strongly about something I think I would over ride DH.

Try and compromise but if DH doesn’t make an effort to too, and it gets too close to the time- just go for the name you love.

It’s like everything else in life, the person who puts the most time, energy and sacrifice into something deserves the biggest influence.

I disagree. It's not like men are opting out of carrying the baby, they physically can't do it. I'm sorry you're suffering with the pregnancy, but deciding on a name should be a joint decision.

OK, thanks everyone.

I think the problem seems to be that my husband won't put anything in the OK/acceptable pile. He won't say 'OK, I like it, don't love it' and so is not up for compromising in anyway. This is his MO in everything in life. He just is as stubborn as can be, in the face of what I try to do which is meet in the middle.

@BlouseAndSkirt - we've left it a week to get to know baby. We have been married over 10 years and have had all the convos about books, heroes during pregnancy. We aren't screaming at each other about this in front of the kids 😂

@TeenPlusTwenties, I have suggested all those names (except Cecil, Norman or Dudley which I'm not keen on). Genuinely, I'm not just trying to go with old fashioned names. I've got odder one, like Lonnie or Chester etc.

If we did the print out thing, I guarantee you, he'd highlight about 5 names. There's no way he'd be able to do 100 green!

I just don't want a Welsh name or one that is too similar to his cousin but that's all I'm getting from the OH.

@LolaSmiles - about 70% of the names I've suggested wouldn't be my first choices but I'm trying to meet in the middle. I don't feel like my OH is doing the same and is just holding out until I say OK, it's Lewis and it won't be weird his cousin is called Louis... Haha

@Cookit, I have downloaded Kinder!

I think the mother should get more preference on the first name. Not a popular opinion on mumsnet but I presume your children will take your partners surname?

Your daughters are called phoebe and feebo?

@WaterSheep - I do agree with you. I would hate to think of my husband hating the name of our son if I went ahead and registered him on my own. In the same way I'd hate him to do the same. At the same time... I wish I had @Whatsername177's husband as even in that moment - when I pushed him out at home, weighing 10lb 6, weigh only gas and air - my husband didn't agree to my first choice 😂 he just said 'let's give it a few days'

Tristan is a lovely name.
However - if you can't agree I think you need to keep looking, ideally together.
That Kinder app sounds interesting!

Why won't he accept the Welsh name with different spelling?

@Cantbedoingwiththistoday - yes, it's now both of our surnames but don't get me started on that as when we got married, he wouldn't even entertain a conversation about taking my maiden name (we couldn't hyphenate given what the two names were).

@AwkwardPaws27 - I agree. But he likes Tristram. I've suggested Tristan, it got a no.

@Waveysnail - he didn't say. It got a no.

Dc2 dad said he didn’t like the name I chose, mocked it even, but I remained resolute.
Once he met dc2 he told me he couldn’t imagine a more perfect name that suited dc. Dc stepmum made me laugh, told me that the chosen name was by far not what she was expecting when dc dad told her in a rant that it was a ridiculous name. It’s a perfectly normal name ffs 😂

I know it’s different to your situation, but I was so frustrated by the pregnancy and all that went with it, and being able to say my dcs name made some of it go away.

I do think some compromise needs to be made, but currently it’s all you compromising and not him. So as above, get a list of names, decide which you both love and even if it’s a compromise on spelling, there will be one that you both like.

Legally as the mother you have the right to choose his name, not him. It doesn't matter that hes your husband and automatically on the birth certificate. So if he absolutely cant compromise on a name then you can call him whatever you like. You could name him Ziggy Stardust if you so desire. Maybe let him know that, and he'll suddenly be more reasonable.

I'm currently sat here having had no sleep, with painful stitches, piles and cracked nipples, wishing I had the balls to just go and call him my first choice. I think I need to just wait until this doesn't seem like the end of the world and then just accept baby Tristram, don't I? 😭

I think you need to look at a name book together and stop writing seperate lists. The my names/your names is probably contributing to the difficulty of choosing.