Can't agree on name for baby: aibu?

[NoGuarantee]

Baby is a week old. Throughout the pregnancy, I would try to talk to my husband about names, made a long list but we both knew we would want to meet the baby before agreeing on the name (we did the same with our daughter and realised that when born, to us, she didn't 'suit' the names we had shortlisted).

So baby is born, I let my husband know the names I think suit the baby and ask what he thinks. He says no to them all. Doesn't hugely elaborate why. I ask him for names he likes. He tells me two which I don't like, although I did say I'd compromise on the spelling for 1 (he wanted the traditional Welsh spelling despite the fact we have no connection to Wales in the slightest which I though would be a bit odd!) and the other I didn't like the 'full' name but would have compromised on the nickname being on the birth cert. Husband said no to nickname and alternative spelling.

I then sent a list of a new 5 names I liked and husband turns them all down, again, no real explanation why. He just says 'no, don't like them'. They are not out there or younique, or too American or anything weird. Think William, Bertie, Frank kind of thing.

Husband supplies list of 5 names which I also don't like. There are two names on there which I don't mind but one is very similar to my nephew (Lewis and Louis) and another is an old friend of the family so I feel it's like naming the baby after someone that we don't have a close enough relationship with. The other 2 names are the two I mentioned earlier (that ive offered compromises for) and a fifth name that I just don't actually like (Tristram).

So, my aibu. I grew this bloody baby for 9 months, put my back and hips out carrying him around commuting 3 hours a day (he weighed 10lb 6oz when born!), went through the labour and birth, am up all night breastfeeding him... AIBU to just demand one of my bloody names?

I know I am. I don't want a name for my baby that I don't like. Why should the dad have a name he doesn't like. But also... Why can't he just like one of my bloody suggestions or accept the compromise?

Help. Please don't reply with more names - there is not a name out there we haven't discussed.

I've sent him a new list of 5 I'd be happy with. Think Charlie, Freddie, Arthur... Type names.

Yabu: you need to keep going and find fresh names you can agree on

YANBU: try to persuade husband to agree to my favourite name based on the fact I'm the mum.

If he won't compromise on Tristan instead of Tristram then he is BU.

Hubby we are not naming baby a Welsh name as I really don't want to, or Lewis as its too similar to cousins - there are millions of other names and we can exclude my favourite e.g. 5 too if we must to be fair. What other suggestions do you have? If you won't engage with picking any others for some kind of compromise I will put some new suggestions in a hat and you can pick one out.

All for compromising but when someone is refusing to budge in the slightest you have to do something!

Nah you shouldn’t just accept Tristam. If he won’t accept that it’s not a name you love while remaining stuck on getting his own way, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of it. It’s not just his baby. You’ve spent the last 9 odd months dealing with pregnancy and now sleepless nights whilst you breastfeed and are up all night and he won’t meet you in the middle? Nah.

Register the birth as Tristan. If it’s something you like. Then ‘whoops, spelling error, never mind, we both got what we liked’

He sounds like a stubborn prick tbh

I think if you DS is being given your DHs first name, you get final say on the first babe, and vice versus.

Maybe suggest he picks the first name and you give him your surname, see how he feels about that?

Go back to the names you like most, and get him to say why he doesn’t like them. Maybe it’s about him ‘winning’

Tristram is awful

No you don't need to compromise on a name you don't like, but I don't think you should get the final say because you are the mum either. You must be able to find a name you both like so just keep going until you think of one even if it takes a while.

No don't accept something you aren't happy with!

Neither of you get total priority,however it does swing slightly in favour of the mum if you can't agree.

First name =last name

What's his 5 names? Perhaps mumsnet could come up with similar a acceptable names

Aibu is a terrible name for a baby.

🤣

Cormac
Eoin

No, don't accept baby Tristram, your husband is being very unreasonable. If he won't discuss a compromise, make an appointment with the registrar and choose the name you love best, you make the decision.

I wouldn't fight with him and I wouldn't register him without your dh knowing. Because you are married your dh can register the baby by himself.

Try the kinder app, it sounds interesting. Although it may not work if your dh is not willing to compromise.

Tristan isn't a name I'd personally go for but it is lovely, I think Tristram sounds like a name a little child is mispronouncing - like Tristan

But tbh, I think your DH sounds like a right knob and is being out of order, sounds like he's just being deliberately stubborn to push you into just going with his choice.

I named my DS the name I wanted and his dad wasn't keen but we weren't together anymore and it was my choice....he actually did come round in the end and he was the one who told the midwife his name when she asked when I'd just given birth :) but DS also has my surname and despite him seeing his arse over that, we compromised that DS had his first name as his middle name

I hope you can both agree ( or go with what you want )

Pick the name you like & suggest you try it for a week. Name the baby by stealth.

Alternatively but a bit more work, print off a very big list of names that you don’t mind. Pretend it’s the Mumsnet top 50 or something. Highlight a random 5 as your favourite and another 5 as ok. Give the list to DH and ask him to do the same. As you’ve secretly pre-approved the entire list, hopefully you can ‘give in’ to one of his choices?!

Please ignore the posters who are suggesting you just take yourself off and register the baby without telling your DH. it's a dreadful way to break the stalemate.

You need to make your DH understand you will not be agreeing to the names he has already suggested so you both need to sit down and properly consider alternatives. Until you get him to take it seriously you won't break through.

Sorry Tristram is horrid, nn Trammy, will happen as the Tram is strong (and a vehicle) to not compromise at Tristan shows he is being a dick.
Yes compromise but don't get bullied into a name you don't like.

Pick the name you like. Keep calling baby name to see if it suits baby.
If DH objects tell him to find a compromise as you can't go on without giving baby their identity

FWIW I really like Tristan
If you do
You could keep saying it emphasising the N.

Don't cave op! Your dh is being a dick quite frankly. I'd start acting the same way - no more compromise. Veto all names you don't like, no justification. Tell him to give you a list of totally different names and say you'll do the same. If he tries to include Lewis and Tristam again say they are off the table, and because of his pig-headedness, so too are all variations of them (e.g. Tristan). I'd definitely be playing the up-all-night, breastfeeding, birth and pregnancy card too!

@TidyDancer believe me when I say he'd hand back the list and say 'I'm not keen on any of those'...

I'm just going to wait it out I think.

Thing is, he isn't getting 75 texts a day asking whether we'd named him yet. Don't think that's helping my stress levels tbh!

My neighbours couldn't agree on a name for their baby.
They agreed that they would write all the names down and put them in a hat. When the name was picked out it was the Dad's first choice and that was what they called the baby.

The Mum mused wistfully about how "lucky" he was.
My Mum asked her who wrote all the names out in the first place and whether she had looked at the remaining pieces of paper...................
...funnily enough they had swiftly gone on the fire

I think you need to do the list thing - if only because your DP might be doing this tactically - ie. wearing you down by rejecting all your choices outright.

By doing lists then comparing, you're more likely to highlight the same one independently.

Having said that, neither of my kids were named until the last minute - DS1 had a couple of trial names before we settled on his, and we had no idea at all for DS2, couldn't agree on anything until we hit on one that finally we both quite liked.

Personally, I'd tell and not ask. You carried the baby and birthed it and he is arsing about. Just put your first choice on the cert and tell him to go do one.

If you don’t like the Welsh name, that’s fine, don’t agree to it. I do think YABU to object to the ‘traditional Welsh spelling’ though -if it’s a Welsh name that’s the correct spelling. It would be like choosing Sinead but spelling it Shinade because you don’t want the traditional Irish spelling ie it would be wrong.
Ps - it’s Rhys isn’t it? Lovely name and easy spelling.

and the other I didn't like the 'full' name but would have compromised on the nickname being on the birth cert. Husband said no to nickname and alternative spelling

This is what DH said (I also wanted a Welsh spelling although we have no connection. For us it would have been an easily pronounceable "neutral" variation vs the English spelling vs that of DH's native language).

In the end I gave in. I do kind of regret it. However, I was a SAHM and he was with me most of the time. I called him by a nickname totally unrelated to his real name because I couldn't get used to it.

Just before starting school, I realised he wouldn't answer to his real name unless it was DH talking to him. I sat him down and said he needed to choose a name to start school with. X is his given name. A, B, C, D are related nicknames. He could choose which of the 5 he wanted. He chose B and has been known as that ever since. He knows X is his name, but asks his teachers to use B. DH has pretty much given up on using X.

Just choose something simple and innocuous, a name that will not cause any comment or embarrassment as your son grows up, and stick to it. The little one needs a name, bless him.

Congratulations btw and I do hope you feel better soon.