Can't agree on name for baby: aibu?

[NoGuarantee]

Baby is a week old. Throughout the pregnancy, I would try to talk to my husband about names, made a long list but we both knew we would want to meet the baby before agreeing on the name (we did the same with our daughter and realised that when born, to us, she didn't 'suit' the names we had shortlisted).

So baby is born, I let my husband know the names I think suit the baby and ask what he thinks. He says no to them all. Doesn't hugely elaborate why. I ask him for names he likes. He tells me two which I don't like, although I did say I'd compromise on the spelling for 1 (he wanted the traditional Welsh spelling despite the fact we have no connection to Wales in the slightest which I though would be a bit odd!) and the other I didn't like the 'full' name but would have compromised on the nickname being on the birth cert. Husband said no to nickname and alternative spelling.

I then sent a list of a new 5 names I liked and husband turns them all down, again, no real explanation why. He just says 'no, don't like them'. They are not out there or younique, or too American or anything weird. Think William, Bertie, Frank kind of thing.

Husband supplies list of 5 names which I also don't like. There are two names on there which I don't mind but one is very similar to my nephew (Lewis and Louis) and another is an old friend of the family so I feel it's like naming the baby after someone that we don't have a close enough relationship with. The other 2 names are the two I mentioned earlier (that ive offered compromises for) and a fifth name that I just don't actually like (Tristram).

So, my aibu. I grew this bloody baby for 9 months, put my back and hips out carrying him around commuting 3 hours a day (he weighed 10lb 6oz when born!), went through the labour and birth, am up all night breastfeeding him... AIBU to just demand one of my bloody names?

I know I am. I don't want a name for my baby that I don't like. Why should the dad have a name he doesn't like. But also... Why can't he just like one of my bloody suggestions or accept the compromise?

Help. Please don't reply with more names - there is not a name out there we haven't discussed.

I've sent him a new list of 5 I'd be happy with. Think Charlie, Freddie, Arthur... Type names.

Yabu: you need to keep going and find fresh names you can agree on

YANBU: try to persuade husband to agree to my favourite name based on the fact I'm the mum.

The problem with you just throwing out names that you'd be 'happy' with is you'll end up with a name that neither of you love. You need to go back to him with the names you love and discuss the reasons he's saying no because tbh it says like he's just saying no to everything you suggest just because it's your suggestion. Sometimes you do need to compromise DD2 has a name that I consider a nickname but DH wanted it so we gave her a full name on the birth certificate that I chose.

Your DH is being a stubborn arse

Force him to sit and talk it through until you come up with one you both agree and do not be the only one that compromises

I hate the whole attempt at pulling rank because only one sex can get pregnant.

Neither parent should have to name their child a name they don’t like to pacify a partner. It’s wrong and controlling behaviour imo.

If he wont compromise, choose a name you like and fuck him. You say he is always like this. You're always compromising to suit his wants. That’s not good.

Yes what is the Welsh name if you like it, bar the spelling, maybe that needn't be as much of a problem as you think.

Tristram is awful. I know of one and he's a druggy, has no contact with any of his children, in and out of prison, and I don't think has much to do with his family either. His middle name is even worse (ewart).
Would Tristan be a good compromise?

Exactly @IceCreamAndCandyfloss and thats what op’s dh is doing. And what she says he does often. His way or the highway. Very controlling.

Hywell. I said I wouldn't mind Hal

Also OP only DD1 was named the day she arrived DD2 and DD3 were several weeks, really don't feel any pressure to come up with a name to please friends and family. Right now you'll be tired and hormonal, not really a good time to make a huge decision just for the benefit of others.

What's the name you love the most?

I'm invested in this dilemma please will you come back and let us know what you've decided?

Tristram is not the best idea - look up the 18th century novel Tristram Shandy, and the hassle the father went about with the naming of his son. Tristan is better...

From Wikipedia:

Thirdly, another of Tristram's father's theories was that a person's name exerted enormous influence over that person's nature and fortunes, with the worst possible name being Tristram. In view of the previous accidents, Tristram's father decreed that the boy would receive an especially auspicious name, Trismegistus. Susannah mangled the name in conveying it to the curate, and the child was christened Tristram. According to his father's theory, his name, being a conflation of "Trismegistus" (after the esoteric mystic Hermes Trismegistus) and "Tristan" (whose connotation bore the influence through folk etymology of Latin tristis, "sorrowful"), doomed him to a life of woe and cursed him with the inability to comprehend the causes of his misfortune.

Just because you grew the baby doesn’t mean you get to have your own way. Your husband did provide the sperm! Good luck deciding. It doesn’t really matter what’s on the birth certificate, it’s what you actually call the baby that matters.

Sounds like he likes Welsh names. Find some Welsh makes you like too?

It doesn’t really matter, whatever you call him will be his name and you’ll love it because you love him.

Try the app 'kinder', it will help you find a name you can both agree on

I think pregnancy gives you the final say.

50% of dcs don’t live with their bio father by the time they are 16 so there’s a 50/50 chance it will just be you calling him his names on a day to day basis.

If he wants an equal day is he doing equal feeds/ night wakings/ bathing/ dressing etc?

Aneurin known as Nye? (As in Aneurin Bevan, minister for Health who set up the NHS in the first place)

Hywell is much nicer than Hal, Hal sounds like an over weight middle aged American man. If he likes Welsh names what about Rhys, Dylan, Aidan, Gareth, Huw/Hugh/Hugo (at a stretch), Owen.

My top 5 are :

Rafe nn Raffy (top choice)
Herbert (I like all nicknames: Herbie, Bertie, Bert, Herb... Think it'll last him through from newborn and old man 😂)
William
Lonnie
Frank

5 I'd be OK with are:
Rory
Charlie
Alfie
Albert
Teddy

His 5:
Hywell (won't accept Hal)
Tristram (he won't accept Tristan which I don't mind)
Aiden (family friend)
Ernest (he won't accept Ernie which I don't mind)
Lewis (cousin named Louis)

It's prob me spelling it wrong tbh!

Our neighbours are Welsh and have a baby son called Hywel.
My Dh had never heard of the name and commented that it was a very appropriate name for a baby.
He thought the name was 'Howl'

@WaterSheep

I disagree. It's not like men are opting out of carrying the baby, they physically can't do it. I'm sorry you're suffering with the pregnancy, but deciding on a name should be a joint decision.

I disagree, I think a mother feeling entitled to preference over a first name isn’t any worse than 90% of fathers automatically assuming baby should get their surname. My DH did that- the majority of men I know have done that and an agreement of anything different is a ‘compromise’.

Then there’s the shocking statistics of how many fathers actually stick around. I have no reason to believe my DH won’t but I’m sorry when baby first arrives mum has done 95% of the work and is entitled to baby!

If we’re going to pretend that babies are completely 50/50 then let’s follow that mentality through. Let’s all take a minute to imagine a world in which dads were actually equally entitled to their baby! No automatic custody to mum- newborns spending half the week with dad. EBF having to be mutually agreed 🙄

There’s a reason women get social and legal priority over their babies!

I agree that Hal is nothing like Hywell (or Hywel). Do you really like it apart from the worry about the Welsh spelling? If so I wouldn't worry about that I think most people would know how to pronounce it.