To feel uncomfortable at dh's porn preferences

[exhaustedisanunderstatement]

Name change for obvious reasons So been with DH 6 years 2 children. We have an average sex life maybe once a week as children are so young and I know DH watches porn always has done which I have no problem with.

I recently discovered on dh's Reddit that he has been viewing tons of transgender porn. Maybe 80% that and 20% normal porn.

I have no problem with that it itself as people have prefences and He told me about it off his own back, I asked him if he could be bisexual and he got very defensive and said that he wasn't and wasn't going to watch it again which i said was up to him.

He was recently showing me something on his phone and closed the app and there was tons and tons of trans porn again in his files dating from the same day. I just brushed it off again but it makes me feel uneasy. I don't care if he's bisexual but the defensiveness and saying he wouldn't do anything makes me feel a bit weird about the whole thing.

Why does it make you feel uneasy?

Don’t blame you, sounds like a total turn off.

I don't think you are unreasonable to be uncomfortable by his preferences, but I don't think it means he is bi at all. What someone likes in porn is not necessarily representative of what they like in real life.

I am a gay woman and you would be more likely to catch me watching gay (male) porn than lesbian porn, despite me not having any interest in being with a man at all, if you were to catch me watching porn. Lesbian porn simply is very cringe-worthy at best (and really not representative) so I would struggle to be into it, yet, I am very much gay.

Maybe formulate the question differently, don't ask him (or assume) he is bi, just ask him " What makes you like porn that involves trans people so much?'' so it comes across as if you are interested to know is thought-process and not actually labeling him or making assumptions.

I guess it makes you uneasy because you could never provide his choice of kink, so you think he'd be more likely to stray.

How's your sex life when you do dtd? Extreme porn watching is usually very damaging to a real sex life.

It could be a phase, or it could be the start of a swing to the other way. I've known both to be the case.

When you say trans porn I presume you mean of the type involving penises, yeah?
Not, females on testosterone?

Welcome I think exhausted already explained it's not the content itself, it's the fact he denied being bisexual and said he wouldn't watch it again, but clearly is and did.

It's not good being lied to. Also, porn use diminishes your urge for actual real life sex, and falling into the habit of regular porn use will basically stop you being interested in sex.

One word: curiosity

One of the reasons floated why men like lesbian porn is the lack of cock. Your DH is opting for extra cock so I get why it might give you pause about his sexuality.

However, less women being exploited and abused in porn is good so unless it's affecting you...

I have no problem with porn or if he were to be bisexual as I have had relationships with women in the past. I think it's all of the secrecy and the fact that he's been viewing it so largely in such huge quantities and adamant that he'd stop when I just brought it up. We're very open in general and speak about most things and are open for discussion in actual sex. It feels like he's hiding something but I don't know what he'd be hiding

I wouldn't feel over the moon in fact it would make me feel terrible. But I don't like porn generally.

It is all fantasy! He's probably just bored of watching his standard stuff and needs something different to get his rocks off. I wouldn't read too much into it

All sorts of diverse stuff can turn people on. Doesn't mean he doesnt want you more than anyone. I find gay sex scenes as racy as hetero ones, but I am exclusively hetero. Human sexuality is complicated ...

Any signs that he’s cross dressing?

I would be massively concerned. But porn is also outside the boundaries of my marriage, why are you ok with it?

When is he watching all this porn, and why isn’t he spending this time with you instead?

My issue would be more that its obviously a massive amount of porn that he watches, he watches it and goes to it for his sexual connection more than he goes to you, his wife , for sexual connection.... if that was me, I would have an issue with that.

So no yanbu

If it's a trans woman having sex with a non trans woman it's not that different to watching hetro couple.

If it’s not that different (I disagree), the question is why he’s actively looking for it.

@Greenmarmalade no deffo not cross dressing. I knew he watched porn when we got together so it'd be unreasonable for me to ask him to stop and I don't have a massive sex drive myself so prefer it to resentment or unfaithfulness

I'd have a problem with it, OP. I think it desensitises men to real sex.

Occasional porn, meh. Watching loads of it = a problem. The transgender thing?? That's odd.

Lock away your expensive pants or he'll stretch the elastic when you're not looking.

@Waveysnail all seems to be masturbation or trans women having sexual with men. Very rarely trans women with women. Apologies for the detail

Lots of people are into stuff in porn they aren’t into in real life

I just had a sneaky peak at his Reddit as he keeps it logged into our computer and all seems to be multiple a day that he's saving around the 5 mark pictures and videos.

I'd say he's looking for it because it turns him on and it sounds like he's being defensive because he's embarrassed that it does.

No, not unreasonable to ask him to stop watching other people have sex (Especially women who are generally in the business due to awful circumstances). My husband went to strip clubs for his friends’ stag parties when we first met, but when we established our relationship I told him I couldn’t accept it from a partner. So he stopped. You can decide the boundaries of your relationship with your partner. And you shouldn’t be choosing between infidelity, resentment or watching porn: this is not acceptable either!

I would not be comfortable with this situation. You don’t have to be either, even if other people think it’s fine.