To feel uncomfortable at dh's porn preferences

[exhaustedisanunderstatement]

Name change for obvious reasons So been with DH 6 years 2 children. We have an average sex life maybe once a week as children are so young and I know DH watches porn always has done which I have no problem with.

I recently discovered on dh's Reddit that he has been viewing tons of transgender porn. Maybe 80% that and 20% normal porn.

I have no problem with that it itself as people have prefences and He told me about it off his own back, I asked him if he could be bisexual and he got very defensive and said that he wasn't and wasn't going to watch it again which i said was up to him.

He was recently showing me something on his phone and closed the app and there was tons and tons of trans porn again in his files dating from the same day. I just brushed it off again but it makes me feel uneasy. I don't care if he's bisexual but the defensiveness and saying he wouldn't do anything makes me feel a bit weird about the whole thing.

I like what @Linning said. I think I read somewhere that trans porn is popular with straight men because it has the appearance of women, which they are attracted to, but a penis creates excitement as it is taboo and because it makes for stimualting porn with penetration rather than a vagina, (apparently, I think).

He probably is ashamed abotu discussing it as it is taboo and homosexuality/bi-sexuality for men is still a sensitive issue.

It does sound like an addiction. He may get a dopemine hit from it, particularly as it is unusual. I think also having small children may feed into this.

Perhaps you can go out to a pub or somewhere fairly private, and have a casual, easy conversation about it. To share how you feel - that you do not mind porn, you do not take it personally, you love him but perhaps he would like some help in controlling it, you would love to use that energy in the bedroom and you feel a little worried as it not an area that you can offer him as a cis women. I think with accountability, taking the shame of it, tackling it together you can beat it. Also look at possible causes, does he feel lonely in the marriage, grieving, stress, lack of hobbies, support network etc.

I think it is good that you spotted it now and tackling it together can strengten your marriage, though this is my own view and some people may be more pro-porn than me.

Oh in the meantime, since I wrote my post, I'm more enlightened.
So he's off wanking half the night to porn.
And you're nursing a baby while he's just getting his kicks, doing his thing on his watch. How nice to be so free. I suppose he comes to bed whenever, never hears the baby crying, doesn't wake in the night to give you a breather. Stop me if I am being too cynical.
I really have no words.
You've got a big problem on your hands. The amount he is dedicating to his hobby isn't normal. If he were building radio control aeroplanes all night I'd say the same thing.
Do you feel neglected? Do you feel valued and safe in your relationship? Don't answer to us. Answer honestly to yourself and give this some serious thought.

@xJodiex

"Just my own opinion here but I couldn't be with someone who was into that as it really makes me feel sick."

OP knows her DH's sexual interest/fantasy/addiction. A lot of people do not and many people have their own thing that they are into.

They are married and have children. The impact on children of divorce is well documented and presumably the OP loves her DH. To split all of the assets, split custody, start out again in life because someone is watching trans porn, seems excessive as an immediate reaction. They can work through it, that's what marriage is about.

I’d have an issue with DP watching loads of porn. It’s just not healthy. I’m not sure transgender means much, but it’s the same issue isn’t it? He’s sexually getting off a lot on other people having sex, not you and him having sex.

Honestly I do think sex and love with a real person is the best and healthiest for us? That is not to say that couples may want to ‘get off’ by themselves occasionally. Emphasis on occasional. But that doesn’t need porn. It’s just there isn’t it, pervasive and insidious.

Takes away from sex. Real actual sex with a named real live person.

I would be feeling very uncomfortable with this. And worried about what it means.

Spending his time wanking off to porn downstairs every night, while you're asleep in bed or caring for the children is...horrible. (And obsessive?) Sorry. Don't feel like you have to be ok with all of this, just because you knew he liked porn at the start of the relationship. The situation has changed.

Bin there, seen it, bored by it, end of:!..

Have you not considered that it may be something he feels embarrassed about?

If he's depressed and addicted to porn, then he needs to talk to you about it and do something about it. This will damage your marriage. It needs fixing and the fixing needs to come from him. You need support. You've got two tiny babies. You don't need some knackered, porn-addicted partner. He needs to put his energy into being more present and available.
He needs to grow up.

Also look at possible causes, does he feel lonely in the marriage, grieving, stress, lack of hobbies, support network etc.

Yeah op you don't seem busy enough maybe add this to your days chores

apologies...I assumed when you said two one year olds that you didn't mean two babies under two. Usually people are specific...

Op was specific. She has two one year olds. She doesn't need to be more specific to avoid people telling her how she should be parenting her babies

Your partner is gay. He's watching gay porn. Two men having sex regardless of gender expression is gay porn.

I'd end it before he starts meeting men for sex.

I'd be feeling less than amorous under the circumstances or dryer than the Sahara as Anyfucker so delicately put it

@NotTonightJosepheen really sorry I don't just sit on the internet hitting refresh waiting for a stranger to judge me further and have real things to do

So you go to bed at ten, what time does he go to bed and is it alone or with you.

I don't want to embarrass him or intrude in her personal space I just want to nip whatever this is in the bud and find a way to stop this or work out a resolution whatever that may be

@justasking111 usually alone. A couple of times a week well watch a film and I fall asleep pretty much instantly then will go to bed on my own maybe once a week we'll go to actual bed at the same time

I think it's a big deal what you've discovered, OP, as in 'marriage killing' big. And I think you know this and it is terrifying. You have these little kids and then there's this guy who is unavailable to his family because he's too busy watching chicks with dicks. He's not depressed or in need of a hobby. He's a selfish asshole. Sorry. I'll go now. I feel the anger you have yet to feel. You don't need this. You need a family, support, a partner who is there for you and the kids. I can't believe this guy is up all hours watching this stuff while you're grafting and barely catching decent sleep.
What a lousy partner. Sorry. I am judging your partner harshly because you deserve waaaaay better. It's not cool at all what he's doing to you or your relationship. You should be angry. I admire your compassion. I guess you love the guy.

normal porn

It definitely doesn't make him gay/bi because he likes watching trans porn. Some straight women like to watch gay male porn. You don't need to put a label on him.

What I would feel uncomfortable about in this situation is the amount of porn he's watching. If all those files are appearing on his phone, he's obviously watching it a lot.

Is your husband Alan Gordon Partridge?

Sounds like my Ex. He liked his personal space etc leaving me to deal with the kids...

It is horrible him wanking off regularly while you are alone in bed. It just is. He should be giving you attention and a cuddle instead.