To feel uncomfortable at dh's porn preferences

[exhaustedisanunderstatement]

Name change for obvious reasons So been with DH 6 years 2 children. We have an average sex life maybe once a week as children are so young and I know DH watches porn always has done which I have no problem with.

I recently discovered on dh's Reddit that he has been viewing tons of transgender porn. Maybe 80% that and 20% normal porn.

I have no problem with that it itself as people have prefences and He told me about it off his own back, I asked him if he could be bisexual and he got very defensive and said that he wasn't and wasn't going to watch it again which i said was up to him.

He was recently showing me something on his phone and closed the app and there was tons and tons of trans porn again in his files dating from the same day. I just brushed it off again but it makes me feel uneasy. I don't care if he's bisexual but the defensiveness and saying he wouldn't do anything makes me feel a bit weird about the whole thing.

@xJodiex tons of people on MN favour splitting but it is just my opinion that marriages are worth the effort.

@NotTonightJosepheen glad I could be of service

Yes, I have, he was lying to me about it for years and I couldn't hide that i knew. I travel a lot for work though, so we haven't spoken at all for a week.

He's joined SA and got himself a therapist, but i really don't know if i can get past this. I guess your situation is different though because he's not lying? Possibly having a frank discussion could help you both, as previous posters have said, although I imagine he's embarrassed and resentful and your head is spinning. I was nothing like the women my H was watching either, it really knocks your confidence doesn't it? I question if he was ever attracted to me at all. Did you initiate sex or did he want you more, but you were knackered with the children?

@rp30 I get that but what this guy is doing is just gross. As others have said, he should be giving OP a cuddle, not off wanking every night to what some would describe as gay porn.

@xJodiex I get that too but it is not insurmountable. Do we know if the OP is cuddle deprived or did you create that? OP says they are not currently physical much and she does not have a problem with porn. I think this is why a conversation is worthy.

Paedatricians, psychologists and educators warn about the impact of divorce on children, as do some of the children of divorces. To walk away without trying to resolve this is foolish, in my opinion.

@NotTonightJosepheen 'A lot of straight men have a fantasy/are intrigued by the idea of shagging a transwoman

I very much doubt that.'

You'd be surprised then. Otherwise, there'd be little market for porn featuring transgender women with fully functioning penises. In fact, it's not a completely unpopular genre. 'Transgender chasers' are also a thing, and they don't identify as gay or bi.

He's addicted to porn. That's why he's defensive and that is also why he is watching porn that transgresses his typical desires

It IS popular, I was a bit shocked because I found that out myself recently and had discussed it with people on Twitter.

Realistically, if a male is regularly getting off looking at what is essentially bio males having sex with other bio males, that is a bit worrying for any married woman, in my opinion.

@rp30 I agree it's a good idea to try and work things out. I just can't see.. how.. in this case.

These pathetic pornhounds don't need "gentle handling" they need a fucking metaphorical boot up the arse

Totally agree. This is why you are a monogamous couple, that your sex life has a boundary. Porn definitely oversteps that boundary. I don’t know why people don’t see that. A man doesn’t need anything to get off, he just has to imagine! I don’t see men or women having a problem with ‘getting off’ by themselves. He doesn’t need dirty mags or porn, but he feels like he should be entitled to it. Why?

It really isn’t harmless fun.

IThere’s just a betrayal about it. How many men come on here exhausted with the kids saying their wives are looking at porn for hours a day? Zero.

@xJodiex I read an article that trans porn is among the most popular categories and is watched by many "straight" men. The theory is that a penis is more visual in porn so the combination of feminity with a penis is popular. It is also fantasy.

I think they can work through it if they went out somewhere neutral, like a pub, and spoke in a non-criticial way about their lives, marriage and porn. They can work through this together. They could even try therapy.

Grim.

I'd not say it necessarily means hes bisexual or pan sexual or whatever... it sounds like more of a fetish.. I know from experience that people can have fetishes that turn them on in porn but which they 100% would not be turned on by or want to participate with in real life sexual situations... I mean not always but it is possible.. sometimes it's just about the thrill of the taboo subject watched from a safe distance... unless theres problems with your sex life and or emotional connection I'd just wrote this off as a fantasy fetish he likes in porn rather than an actual thing he wants to happen in real life

Repulsive

I think his priorities are a little off. He could be getting into bed with you, having a cuddle, or helping during the night (just by bringing baby to you for you to bf, or you could express and he could do a feed), but instead he's staying up late wanking to weird porn. Every night is excessive. Sounds like he's got into a habit and habits are hard to break.

I wouldn't be happy if it was my husband...no matter what type of porn it was. So you're a really (more understanding than me!) open minded wife.
Could you perhaps ask that for 4 nights a week you could go to bed together? Wean him off?

Into would be concerned as to why he was so defensive, hopefully was just out of embarrassment and nothing more sinister.

I really feel for you OP. This is difficult.

You have small children and amazing sex is not likely to be available for a while.

Your partner has chosen some really high octane, hardcore porn to occupy himself with in the evenings. The content is slightly taboo.

The problem is that you two are diverging sexually. I think your partner is an idiot btw, and the reason he will not talk about it is he is hoping you will somehow a lobotomy and forget this.

You need a good rest. He needs to leave the porn alone. The content... well... I would really try to see what you have in common sexually. Transgenderism often brings complicated feelings about what is feminine, what is masculine, who does what and to who? So not just lust but also identity. If he won’t even address but wants to claim the right to wank on the sofa irrespective then you have some difficult choices.

Great fodder for twatter and the eww all of Mumsnet users are transphobic.
Op if you don't like it talk to him, nobody here can help you.

I suspect autogynephelia too, though OP doesn’t seem to be addressing any of the comments referencing this. I used to run a women’s group and came across a fair few women with very similar stories to this. I’d suggest posting on the feminism board asking for advice.

This is a rabbit hole that a lot of men fall down with very significant consequences to their relationship. I wouldn't be able to sleep with someone who was probably fantasizing about being pounded by a penis. Because if he's looking at "man-on-trans" porn, he's picturing himself in the trans role. And he thinks the only way for it to be ok with wanting to get penetrated is to "act like a woman." Fucked up way to approach sex. This will only get worse.

Not transphobic.

There's a HUGE difference between having transgender pals and er.. husband getting off on bio males having sex with other bio males while wife tends to babies/sleeps. HUGE.

I don't want to embarrass him or intrude in her personal space I just want to nip whatever this is in the bud and find a way to stop this or work out a resolution whatever that may be

How about this? “I’m getting sick of looking after the DC all night whilst you’re sitting downstairs wanking on the internet. I expect more of a partnership. Time in the evening should be spent with your wife , not furiously wanking over gay porn. Got it? Great”

The amount of people trying to poison is marriage is vile. Especially the ones motivated by their hatred of porn. OP has said she's OK with porn in principle. That makes this and incredibly inappropriate place to wage a crusade against porn watching husbands.

OP this is a tough situation and I feel for you. As other posters have said, upping the number of night's you 2 go to bed at the same time seems like a good place to start.

Posters trying to shame people who masterbate (regardless of whether porn is involved) while married are fools. I've heard countless sex therapists and researchers say that masterbation is GOOD for marriages.

A straight man doesn’t usually want to see a penis unless it’s going in a woman. They tend to not focus on the penis and more on the woman’s parts/reactions.

I’d be thinking he’s bi. I could be wrong but 80% of the porn being trans would really make me think he’s leaning towards bi or bi curious.

He’s also spending too much time watching porn.

@Derbee she's not going to say that because she clearly loves and respects her husband and cares about his wellbeing.

If he's addicted he needs empathy and understanding, not to be sexually shamed by the woman he loves.

I’m not shaming anyone for masturbating. There’s a time and a place for it. Not keen on liars though, and not keen on men who sit downstairs wanking whilst their wives are up caring for the children

This is shite for you. I couldn’t be with someone who is so into porn of any sort. I think it’s a cause of deviance in how someone views sex.