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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

363 replies

MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 18:25

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 13/11/2019 18:27

Why don’t they want him to stay?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 13/11/2019 18:28

Is this someone you're seeing?

SecretMillionaire · 13/11/2019 18:28

Is there a reason that they do not want your friend there?

If you put your friend first and send your children to relatives then that sends them a clear message and no matter what you say they will not believe you. Actions speak louder than words.

thisisme2468 · 13/11/2019 18:29

I’d be questioning why they do not want him there.

Wildorchidz · 13/11/2019 18:29

You need to elaborate. Is he unpleasant to your children? Does he get drunk and piss on the floor? Do you and him have loud sex?

CaptainCautious · 13/11/2019 18:29

Why don’t they want him to stay?

CherryPavlova · 13/11/2019 18:29

Yes, what is their reason?

Original poster
MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 18:29

I was previously in a short relationship with him but we are just friends now. They are unable to give a reason for not liking him except that he ‘takes up all my time’. To be honest, they are very resistant to me having friends, particularly male friends.

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 13/11/2019 18:29

Yeah, YABVU.

churchandstate · 13/11/2019 18:30

It depends why they don’t want him there, in my opinion. A family friend taking a trip who needs somewhere to stay who is well-known to them, civil, sober and not in any way creepy? Of course you just tell them it’s happening. A brand new squeeze masquerading as a friend who scares one or both of them? Not really reasonable.

BlueJava · 13/11/2019 18:30

I would be concerned why my DCs didn't want someone to stay. Are they worried/frightened or just awkward? A lot depends on why they don't want him, most kids like the excitement of someone to stay so I'd listen to them to see what's up.

churchandstate · 13/11/2019 18:30

Why is he staying? Travelodge all booked up again?

Ragwort · 13/11/2019 18:31

What do you mean by ‘friend’, is it a boyfriend? Will you be sharing a room?

Listen to the children and find out why they don’t want him to stay but if he is your lover and you are moving him in for a few days then I can understand them being unhappy.

pugparty · 13/11/2019 18:31

In general yes, you're the adult you don't need to consult with children. However now you've asked and they've said no I would want to know if they had a genuine concern.

And next time don't ask them, they're not your mum or your boss.

RolytheRhino · 13/11/2019 18:31

No, you should put them first.

misspiggy19 · 13/11/2019 18:31

To be honest, they are very resistant to me having friends, particularly male friends.

^You can’t let them dictate your life

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2019 18:31

Yes, this is your children's home too. You can't force them to share it with someone they feel uncomfortable with. Why would you wish to invite this man into your home, to stay, when you know how your kids feel?

Have friends, see them outside the home, invite them for an evening, but don't do this. Your friend is an unpleasant character to tell you to treat your own kids like this.

Blowandgo · 13/11/2019 18:31

Why did you ask them if you dont care about respecting their wishes? I have friends stay in mine when I like and never ask my sons. Granted they are female friends that have been in their lives since babies and I have not dated anyone since having them. If you dont want the answer to have been no then you should not have posed the question to them and also telling them they can go elsewhere for a night because he is staying either way is making them feel second best.

Anotherlongdrive · 13/11/2019 18:31

Are you hinting he is fwb?

Raphael34 · 13/11/2019 18:32

I suspect there’s more to the story. I can’t imagine the majority of children having much of an opinion either way. So you’re saying your children think you neglected to spend time with them when you were with this man? Why are you having an ex stay over?
And no-I would certainly not kick your children out of their own house fur says weigh relatives so you can have a man stay over instead

Raphael34 · 13/11/2019 18:32

*to stay with relatives

dontalltalkatonce · 13/11/2019 18:33

Why on Earth do they even know him if he was just a fling? Are there are lot of 'male friends' in their lives?

Original poster
MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 18:33

He’s a nice person, is kind and considerate towards me and them so there’s no obvious reason.

My friend is in a very bad place and needs somewhere to stay for a few days (3-4) to get himself sorted. He doesn’t have any family to turn to.

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 13/11/2019 18:33

To be honest, they are very resistant to me having friends, particularly male friends.

Are they worried that your male friends will be boyfriends? Did the man you are talking about now move in with you while in the relationship?

pugparty · 13/11/2019 18:33

Cross posted.

Does he take up all your time? Or are they just not used to having less than 100%?