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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

363 replies

MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 18:25

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 13/11/2019 18:34

You need to listen to your children. They’re telling you very loudly and clearly that they are uncomfortable with this person in their home. If they’re unhappy with you having any male friends there is a reason for that. Does your behaviour change when you are around men? Do you ignore your DC in favour of these men? Are these men rude to your children? There is something that is happening when you are seeing men that your children don’t like. You need to address it.

Etinox · 13/11/2019 18:34

Is he a fwb? 🤮

formerbabe · 13/11/2019 18:34

Yabvu

Inviting men to stay round when your dc are not happy...just awful.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2019 18:34

Is he homeless? Where would he sleep?

Anotherlongdrive · 13/11/2019 18:34

Having a bad time? Surely 3 or 4 days isnt going to sort out any major problems.

I am quite shocked at you willingly putting your kids out of the house so he can stay

dontalltalkatonce · 13/11/2019 18:35

Oh, right, 3-4 days to 'get sorted'. He's an adult. He needs to sort himself out without relying on someone with young kids in the house. Yep, Raphael, way more to this story, ditto the mates who say, 'You just do what you want, hun.'

VioletCharlotte · 13/11/2019 18:37

I understand you wanting to help your friend, but your DC come first. It's their home and they don't feel comfortable being there. You can't blame them really. Put yourself in their shoes for a minute, as a 13 year old, would you really have felt comfortable and able to relax with a non-family male staying in your home? My DC like to relax at home, they walk about in their pants, talk about silly stuff, sprawl on the sofa in their pjs watching TV. They wouldn't feel comfortable doing this with a male friend staying.

lunar1 · 13/11/2019 18:37

Is it going to be 3/4 days? It sounds more like it will be weeks. Are you happy to send your children away for as long as he is there?

Original poster
MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 18:38

They don’t like staying anywhere except home but reluctantly stay at their grandparents a couple of times a year. I socialise at home or not at all. I’m a lone parent so not loads of options.

I asked them because I usually consult them on things that affect them. It’s complicated. The eldest has behavioural problems. My friends say I’m too soft on them.

I don’t know - that’s why I asked here.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/11/2019 18:38

If he's homeless he's not getting himself sorted in three or four days.

What's the story here op? Why's he in such a "bad place".

dontalltalkatonce · 13/11/2019 18:38

Cannot believe you would seriously farm your kids out to relatives to allow some homeless bloke to stay in their home, much less buy the 3-4 days to get sorted no family to turn to line.

Loopytiles · 13/11/2019 18:39

So he was someone you were dating casually? Did you know him before that?

Can understand your DCs’ discomfort. His situation isn’t your - or your DCs’ - problem and putting him up is OTT unless perhaps you had a v longstanding ans close friendship prior to dating.

Gazelda · 13/11/2019 18:39

My friend is in a very bad place and needs somewhere to stay for a few days (3-4) to get himself sorted. He doesn’t have any family to turn to.

You would be a good friend to welcome someone with these issues into your home. However, it is also your DC's home and they don't want him there. There may be a good reason, there may not. But if your friend is in such a bad place, I suspect his presence will be felt by all members of the family.

Whether that by by staying in his (your?) room. By moping in the sitting room. By drinking. By taking your time and attention while you listen to his problems. By preventing the normal flow of conversation at meal times.

And I think it gives an awful message if they are sent to stay elsewhere while he spends time at their home.

Anotherlongdrive · 13/11/2019 18:39

Did you name change for this? Why?

So you eldest has behavioural problems? And you still think this is a good idea?

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 13/11/2019 18:40

So what’s happening after 4 days that he will be able to move out again?

If he’s in a really bad place is he really in a place to be moving in with children who don’t want him there?

Anotherlongdrive · 13/11/2019 18:40

Also wonder why the pp wont answer of he is a fwb?

churchandstate · 13/11/2019 18:41

If he is genuinely kind, considerate, and “get himself sorted” doesn’t mean dry out, YANBU. Send them to GPs if they really don’t want to have someone to stay for 3-4 days.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2019 18:41

I'm sad to say op, it sounds like your kids have more sense than you and your so called "friends".

formerbabe · 13/11/2019 18:42

I socialise at home or not at all

What do you mean by 'socialise' because I wouldn't think a man staying for 3/4 days is 'socialising'.

Inviting a few girlfriends round for a takeaway and a catch up is socialising.

Do you regularly have boyfriends and male friends around?

PristineCondition · 13/11/2019 18:42

You want to turf your kids out for an ex?

purplecorkheart · 13/11/2019 18:43

Sounds like it will be much longer that 3 to 4 days. I think you should say no for this reason alone
He may be nice to you but it does not sound like he thinks much of your kids.Your friend should not be giving an opinion on your kids. I don't think it is fair for your friend to stay, its your kids home too.

Tistheseason17 · 13/11/2019 18:44

If he is in a really bad place then I would not be having him stay at mine when the children said no. He is not your responsibility - your children are.

BigChocFrenzy · 13/11/2019 18:44

"they are very resistant to me having friends, particularly male friends.*"

Don't let your DC isolate you

They aren't entitled to keep you to themselves 24/7

Original poster
MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 18:45

Can people stop jumping to conclusions please? It’s hard to keep up with questions without having to address incorrect assumptions too.

No he’s not a boyfriend or a FWB. He’s not from this country so it’s a little bit more complicated for him. He’s suicidal at the moment so I just want to keep an eye on him and help him with organisations that can help. He would sleep on the sofa like my other friends do when they stay over. He was introduced as a friend to them, they caught us holding hands. I broke up with him when they said they didn’t want me to date him. I broke up with my last partner for the same reason. I’m currently single. He lives 8 hours away so difficult to help from a distance. It would definitely be 3 or 4 days, I have a job and other shit going on.

OP posts:
KnickerBockerAndrew · 13/11/2019 18:46

Don't put them through the trauma of seeing someone in distress. They're very young.

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