To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

[MarmiteAndMustard]

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

I didnt say you couldnt have your opinion but don't expect to be saying that advocted kind over common sense, makes someone a better person and not be challenged on that view.

You were making judgements about people whilst trying to make out your stance is so much better.

Or that anyone pointing our the huge pitfalls in this plan has a lack of human decency or compassion.

It's all very good encouraging someone to be kind, when it's not you or your children that will suffer the consquences.

You had limited details and would have encouraged this woman to put kindness to this man above all else. This thread shows why doing that isnt a good idea.

Again, women are often left vulnerable because they are told that kind is the most important thing. Above for own safety and well being.

It's a huge issue for women.

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here

Well that was daft.
I can't think of any parent who would ask permission of a 9 & 11 year old whether the parent was ALLOWED to have a friend to stay. Most parents would simply be informing the children, & maybe getting them excited about meeting the friend & what fun was going to be had.

Why would you shoot yourself in the foot like this? You now have a situation where you are not going to be able to please everybody.

More concerning than that, though, is the amount of power & control you have handed to young children. You are in danger of raising a couple of entitled brats. What you do about this immediate situation is far less important than what you do about scaling back the amount of decision-making you are handing two small people.

They are unable to give a reason for not liking him except that he ‘takes up all my time’. To be honest, they are very resistant to me having friends, particularly male friends.

I'm not surprised. Having mummy's time taken up by others is difficult for many kids, & you have just handed them control over something they are not equipped to manage.

Your DC sound jealous and controlling of anyone that takes your attention away from them. Allow this to continue and they will treat future relationships the same.

Exactly, @Greatorb.

Anotherlongdrive

Yes, I do think that. Challenge away, it doesn’t bother me at all.

This really isn't a good idea, OP, and not just because your DC don't want your friend to stay. Your DC will pick up on his distress. Your time will be completely taken up with keeping an eye on your friend and your DC will feel pushed out, especially if they are farmed out to stay with relatives.

Your friend needs support from his local mental health services. It's possible that he'll need to go into hospital as well. And just suppose he were to take his own life, like a lot of young men do? You can't watch him every moment of the day. You would very likely blame yourself, and it really would be distressing for your DC.

I do get where you're coming from. I used to be like you. I used to feel duty bound to have my DB to stay. He's got very serious MH issues and it was like having a third child to look after. But when I saw that my DDs were afraid of him (he has a tendency to fly off the handle), I realised that I had to put my DDs first (especially as they're adopted and DD1 has behavioural issues).

I really don't think it's a good idea at all.

I missed the OP's update about her own mental health. It's even more of a reason not to take responsibility for someone who is severely depressed. He needs help, most definitely. The OP can stay in touch by exchanging texts on WhatsApp. But the friend needs to access support where he lives.

Yes, I do think that. Challenge away, it doesn’t bother me at all

I have. You said you didnt want to discuss it.

You judge people for being concern OP is prioritising his well being, above hers and her kids.

Theres some big consquences to that. Pointing them out doesnt price anything regarding someone compassion or humanity.

But you have encourage someone quite vulnerable to be kind as the priority, regardless of consquences. That doemst make you a superior person.

Say he comes to stay, and after these 3-4 days, hes emotional, begging to stay, saying he's desperate, can't cope etc. Then what are you going to do? Let him stay indefinitely? What about your kids?
Kick him out? What if he threatens suicide if you make him leave?
Don't underestimate how selfish a depressed person can be, especially if they are suicidal.

I've been on both sides, being the one pleading for unreasonable things from people because im scared and desperate for help, even when i know what i'm asking them for isn't fair. Also the supporter, being begged for more than i can give without sacrificing my own wellbeing or depriving someone else to prioritise them. You know you're doing it, but you feel its life or death that you get it, so you don't back down,. It can lead to serious emotional manipulation and even blackmail, do you really want to risk bringing this in to your life, your home, round your kids?

Mental health services are inadequate and over stretched yes, but you can always call 999 for someone who is in crisis and in danger of hurting themselves. If he's not actually suicidal then he needs to ask for professional help, join the queue, and wait, with 999 always being an option if things worsen.

I have. You said you didnt want to discuss it.

Then let’s stop. My opinion of what I read earlier on this thread is what it is.

Putting aside whether the children are ‘dictating’ or whether this chap needs help etc

But it sounds like the kids barely know him, and how well do you actually know him yourself?

I wouldn’t be inviting a man to stop at my house with my children unless I knew him and trusted him unconditionally - and the DC did too

Hi OP

I think you're giving your children too much power over your life. You shouldn't end relationships because they don't want you to have one, and your friend is correct (to a certain extent) that you are the adult, the one in charge, and sometimes we make decisions they don't like.

Now, having said that, I don't think you should have this friend to stay, for two reasons.

The first, and most important, being, that you DID ask them, and they said no, so if you ignore that, it will undermine your relationship with them. They need to feel they can trust you, but if you're going to ignore their decision, what was the point in asking them in the first place?
Also, as your eldest is already having behavioural difficulties, this will only exacerbate them.

The second reason, is that I can't see how staying with you for 3/4 days, will actually help your friend. Where will he go when they're at home and not in bed? What help can you give him that you can't give him online or by phone?
If he's not got enough money for food, he needs to send less to his family back home, or you could do an online shop and get it delivered to him. You could send him some money for a top up on his phone. How is he going to pay the fares to travel from his?

I understand you want to help, so do what you can from your end, but because you asked your children, and they said no, you can't have him stay.

Sorry it's not what you want to hear, but I hope you're able to help him another way.

Then let’s stop. My opinion of what I read earlier on this thread is what it is.

Again, you keep insisting I am trying to stop you having an opinion.

I am actually challenging your
Judgement of peoples humanity. Purely because they thought I was a bad idea before you did.

@MarmiteandMustard

Wow. 10/10 for remaining calm and reasoned in the face on such hostile and ridiculous hysteria. Honestly women want to be taken seriously but the amount of misconstruction and frank lunacy here is mindblowing. A friend you know well who is having a difficult time emotionally is going to turn into a knife wielding maniac and attack your children according to the MN witchery. Your children will spend days trembling with fear because a human being is sleeping on the couch and are going to be scarred for life because a stranger stopped over, like an uncle they've never met might do? WTAF!?

Just bloody ignore all the nonsense. You know this man well. He is a good friend. You know your children will be safe and not left alone with him. He has helped you in the past and now you want to help him. You love and respect your children and I'm sure they will learn a lesson in kindness and humanity from your actions. You have asked your children their opinion but, I would say, are not obliged to do everything they want. I'm sure if you asked them if they wanted to eat a ton of sweets for dinner, they would say yes. Doesn't mean you will do it!

I am actually challenging your
Judgement of peoples humanity. Purely because they thought I was a bad idea before you did.

So? That is my opinion (not of every person on the thread, but of some). And I want to drop it because I am entitled to that opinion and don’t feel the need to justify it further. If you want to keep stating your objection to it you can, but I feel you’re wasting your time.

Challenge away, it doesn’t bother me at all.

You said drop it, then 'challenge away', now drop it again.

Sounds more like someone who just cant back up their judgment of people.

Its very odd that you agree he shouldn't stay, because of the ops mental health. But not when it had potential to damage the children's mental health. Especially one with behavioural problems.

That's not compassionate at all. In my opinion.

Anotherlongdrive

I said I wish to drop it. You can do as you like. But I am not arguing the toss with you about my opinion.

Having seen a child manipulate their parent into never having a relationship so as to not upset them, I am firmly in the "telling a child" category.

That's not to say you shouldn't take their needs into account. But you are the adult. Sometimes you do things for them, sometimes for yourself.

You weigh things up. Doing something for yourself should never indirectly harm your children though. In your case op, is it a good thing for them to witness your friends distress. It depends very much on their ages and emotional maturity.

So this suicidal, otherwise homeless man is going to come and sleep on your sofa for a few days, and then suddenly miraculously recover and move on in a letter of days, thereby causing no problems or issues by overstaying. Amazing. Sounds great. Do let us know when he leaves, or whether your young children have in fact seen this all happen WAY before you were capable of doing so

@churchandstate - just stop posting. That's how you stop conflict and arguing the toss. Getting the last word is a bit "meh" and loses the impact of your initial opinion.

Tistheseason17

I have no interest in stopping or prolonging any conflict. I have expressed an opinion. Others have argued the toss.

Way too funny.... lack of self awareness...

Anyone else curious how a difficult pregnancy can cause attachment issues? Just out of interest 🤔

I haven't read all the thread - but I'm surprised at the number of people who would be unwilling to help a friend in need. No wonder we have a MH crisis. People's first port of call when experiencing difficulties is friends and family. If they are turned away by them then the problem escalates. Not all MH problems need medical intervention.

I haven't read all the thread - but I'm surprised at the number of people who would be unwilling to help a friend in need. No wonder we have a MH crisis. People's first port of call when experiencing difficulties is friends and family. If they are turned away by them then the problem escalates. Not all MH problems need medical intervention.

We have a MH 'crisis' due to funding cuts to services that are vital to supporting those who had MH conditions, nearly 10 years of punitive 'austerity', high housing costs that mean a lot of people are in crowded accommodation with no space to move someone else in and again, this person's child has behavioural problems/possible ASD.

I'm amazed at the number of people quick to label a 9-year-old and an 11-year-old with ASD as 'jealous' and 'controlling' for not wanting this man in their home on their sofa.