To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

[MarmiteAndMustard]

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

@sillysmiles helping a friend?

Or course I would. Having someone who had been described as suicidal, depressed, at risk of suicide in my house when I am struggling with my own mental health, when it means putting my children out of their home, putting my children's mental health at risk (one has behavioural problems and possible ASD, then no I wouldnt.

OP cant describe wether he is suicidal or depressed. She also talked about Male asylum seekers, committing suicide in high numbers (then said he wasnt an asylum seeker).

This man works, but has no money and no food.

So no, I woildnt pur him in front of my children and my own mental health, since my kids depend on me. He woildnt be the priority. The priority would be to be kind, loving and supportive of my children who are clearly struggling.

Op if you're determined to help him wouldn't it make more sense to get supports put in place where he lives? Being deeply depressed can't be solved in 3-4 days, and you cant help him at all unless he actually wants help. But if he does and you feel you must help him there are other ways you can do that. Skype regularly after kids in bed and let him vent/Talk. Research what supports are available around him and get his permission to contact those services on his behalf. Encourage him to see a gp for a referral for counselling. And if you really think only face to face support will do and you know him well enough to trust him, then it would make more sense to me to go to where he lives, stay in a hotel and try to get him in touch with the local mental health services. Having researched that before you went. He needs long term support where he lives. That's more valuable then a couple of days venting to a friend. DC could stay with grandparents and you explain your friend really needs your help

@sillysmiles that's true, they don't all need medical intervention. But if this friend is genuinely suicidal, then he definitely does need that. We've been told that suicide is the most common cause of death in young men.

The OP is right to want to help him, and she's clearly a lovely friend. But 3/4 days with her won't solve such serious MH issues. I think it would be better to support him via WhatsApp and encourage him to ask for help where he is. If he's with the OP, he won't have access to whatever support he has at home.

But there isn't a right or wrong answer to this, it's such a sad situation that you're facing, OP.

You want to kick your children out of their home, their supposed safe place, so some homeless bloke you used to sleep with can stay for a bit? YABVVVU

In terms of the OPs situation - I can't say what is right or wrong. I won't consider her children controlling - but equally - where there has been no question of misconduct I'm not sure I would end a relationship based on my children's wishes. As I said I don't know.

I assumed from the OP's posts that she was hoping in the few days he was with her to help him get back on his feet and help set him up with points of contact and and maybe just to let him see that he is not alone.

I do think a lot of people's response would have been different if the friend in need was female. Some posters commented that the OP should have her girlfriends around but male friends were different .

No. Your children will never forget this. And you can't control what this man will be like in your home. He could do or say anything. Don't expose your children to this op. Find some help for him where he currently lives.

Some posters commented that the OP should have her girlfriends around but male friends were different

That's because statistically men are far more likely to be abusive and commit sexual/violent crimes.

Why do you think parents tell their children if they're lost, ask a lady for help?

People's first port of call when experiencing difficulties is friends and family

Isn't it funny how the friend he's turned to is a single mum...no male friends?

where there has been no question of misconduct I'm not sure I would end a relationship based on my children's wishes. As I said I don't know.

I agree with this. But also op has to take some responsibility for the children's view.

She wasnt with him long. Rushed to introduce him, though as a friend and the kids walked in on them holding hands.

Given the issues in the family already, I cab understand why the kids felt uncomfortable with that. Their mum lied to them and then they saw she was romantically involved with him by accident.

The kids have said that we he is around she only focuses on him. Not sure why so many posters assume that's not true and proof of kids being controlling. Theres a big chance that, their feelings on this reflect what happens. Given that she is again prioritising him over them, here, theres every chance the kids view is accurate.

I think your heart is in the right place to want to help, but this is a very bad idea.
How can you be certain that he will be out in 3-4 days. Will he all of a sudden slip out of his depression?
And having a depressed person around children, you can be certain that they will pick this up. It's one thing for a parent to be depressed around their kids but another to allow a stranger to be around them unnecessarily.
you could point him to places that help or an air bnb if he can afford it. Your children's voices should be heard in this situation.
Think about it, they saw you holding hands and obviously thought theres something more. And then you bring this person home who is depressed. Arent the children going to worry that their mother is going to be together with him?
No, this is just not going to be ok for your kids and that should be the priority here.

I think you were right to ask your kids. They’re telling you they aren’t comfortable with the situation and you need to put them first.
It doesn’t sound like it’s going to be a good situation for anyone involved but that doesn’t mean you can’t help. I would start with homelessness charities and mental health charities. Don’t burn yourself out doing so though. Your kids need you more than he does.

*That's because statistically men are far more likely to be abusive and commit sexual/violent crimes.

Why do you think parents tell their children if they're lost, ask a lady for help?*

But she is talking about a friend. I nor anyone else knows how close they are as friends. But the assumption is that female friends are fine but no one can have close male friends?

*Also I'm sure a lost child is told to look for police or uniforms also.

But she is talking about a friend. I nor anyone else knows how close they are as friends. But the assumption is that female friends are fine but no one can have close male friends?

Think you are missing the point. The friend is also suffering significant mental health issues as well. He lives 8 hours away, they had a short relationship a while ago. Its unlikely she knows him well enough to know exactly how his mental health impacts him and how much of a risk this is. Which means it's too much of a risk.

Personally, I think the OP would be mad to do this with a woman as well. However, I dont think you cant deny that the risk to OP and her kids, increases, because this friend is Male.