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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

363 replies

MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 18:25

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

OP posts:
EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 13/11/2019 18:55

I’m sorry, I agree with PP’s, YABU to invite this man and all his problems into your home at the expense of your children.

You can be supportive to your ex without sending your children away from their home.

tenredthings · 13/11/2019 18:55

He sounds like he's gonna be needing a lot of input and support from you plus are you really going to chuck him out if he still is homeless and suicidal after 4 days? I think your kids are intuitively showing finer judgement than you here.

ChicCroissant · 13/11/2019 18:55

You should not bring someone with suicidal tendencies into your home with children, that would be irresponsible. 3 or 4 days won't help, they need professional help.

Saying they 'caught' you holding hands makes it sound like you lied about why they were there originally so it's hardly surprising that they are suspicious now.

Cauliflowerhead · 13/11/2019 18:55

marmite you can’t fix everybody. Trying to help some one with really bad mental health is very tricky on its own, inviting a man in to your home to stay with thoughts of taking his own life AND your children have expressed they don’t want him there is only asking for trouble. This man needs proper medical care not in a house with two young kids who will begrudge him being there.

It’s very kind of you to want to do this but your kids are your main priority here. Their safety is also paramount.

So no - I wouldn’t have a man friend with severe mental health problems come and stay with my kids.

formerbabe · 13/11/2019 18:56

Sadly some women are so desperate for some male company/attention, they make terrible choices.

You sound like one of them.

Heismyopendoor · 13/11/2019 18:57

Your young children have expressed that they don't want this man in their home and you want to still invite him? And make your primary age kids leave so you can accommodate this man?

Have you thought it could be something more? When i was younger and being abused i would do anything so he didn't have to come to my home.

Could he have done something or said something to them at any point?

I don't think inviting your suicidal ex to stay in your home with your children is a good idea.

You are their mum. Start acting like it.

Anotherlongdrive · 13/11/2019 18:57

Ita o ly 3 or 4 days because you have other shit to get on with.

Yet, the being unhappy in their home and being turfed out, is less important that other shit you need to do?

Sciurus83 · 13/11/2019 18:57

Christ. Don't invite a suicidal man to stay in the same house as your kids. As if you need telling this.

Being more kind, it is nice that you want to help your friend, do you find that you can get caught up in other people's drama though? Is that what your kids mean when they say he takes up all your time, is there truth to that?

delivereeee · 13/11/2019 18:58

Christ. Absolutely not. You have no idea what's going on in his head. He's not thinking rationally, that much is clear. YABU. Your kids come first

LatentPhase · 13/11/2019 18:59

I think you are giving your kids too much power. Agree kids are inherently selfish and post separation would rather you stayed miserable and socially isolated whilst catering to their every whim.

However, having a suicidal friend to stay for a few days with the idea this will ‘sort him out’ is frankly weird and misguided and I can’t see that anyone will ‘get anything’ out of it. Because you’ve got a job and kids to attend to so aren’t in a position to really help.

But the two issues are separate, really.

If it was a friend coming for a visit under normal circs I would not ask my dc I would simply tell them.

Starlight456 · 13/11/2019 18:59

How old are these children.

You can’t ask a child then ignore them .

I do think you need to look at how much you let them control big decisions.

However bc a suicidal male should not be visiting with children who don’t want him there and a child with behavioural problems.

Happygoldfinch · 13/11/2019 19:00

This falls into "weird" territory. To make two children, then invite an unhappy man into your house with them for overnight stays, prioritising this man's needs above theirs? They'd remember this when they're older.

FenellaVelour · 13/11/2019 19:01

I don’t think you can bring someone who is basically a stranger to your children into your home under the circumstances you describe. What if he refused to leave or caused problems? Especially now you have asked them, it would be a flagrant ignoring of their wishes.

However, you also really shouldn’t be letting your children dictate who you see and socialise with, or have a relationship with. You might want to reflect on your judgement, but you are more than just a mum and you’re entitled to have some kind of life of your own. I think you may need to have a chat with them about this.

Jollitwiglet · 13/11/2019 19:01

This won't go well if you do this.

I totally agree your children shouldn't dictate your life, and it sounds up until now they have. But either you haven't thought this situation through properly or you have really poor judgement

Original poster
MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 19:01

‘suicidal’ was short hand for very depressed and thinking that would be the easiest way out. He’s not drinking heavily or on the verge of overdose. He’s just really really low and needs a friend.

I don’t want my DC to feel pushed out but nor do I want them to live in a world where people are left to flounder because nobody gives a shit. Yes, there probably are organisations that could help but have you never been so low that you just need a friendly face and someone to help you make sense of your feelings and navigate your options? I know I have! His situation has developed suddenly, I don’t think it would take more than a few days to help him feel more in control and less bleak.

I said to them that they wouldn’t have to spend any time with him or even see him. He would be out of the way for the few hours between the end of school and going to bed. I’m planning on taking a couple of days holiday to help him while they’re at school.

I really resent the assumption that just because I’m a woman and he’s a man that I must only be inviting him to shag him and that he’ll move in permanently. Would any of you say that if my friend was a woman? What if I was gay or bisexual? So much internalised misogyny and judgement for single parents! My life necessarily revolves around my children 99% of the time. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have asked. I name changed because I don’t use MN much anymore for these very reasons. I asked for opinions, not judgement.

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 13/11/2019 19:02

Of course you can't let your kids dictate your life like that unless there is a really good reason for them not wanting him in the house.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2019 19:03

A man who is in a "very bad place" and suicidal should not be allowed anywhere near your children, never mind staying in your home. Your judgment is shocking to say the least.

Dutchesss · 13/11/2019 19:04

My friend is in a very bad place and needs somewhere to stay for a few days (3-4) to get himself sorted. He doesn’t have any family to turn to.
Red flag, sorry. No one else will have this person so he comes to stay with you. I'd be suspicious at best.

LL83 · 13/11/2019 19:04

Friend needs are more important than childrens want

The mistake you made was asking childrens opinion when there isnt really an option not to help friend. Now I would explain to them "my friend needs our help so he has to stay. It wont be long and it is important to help friends when you can" even tell them you are sorry for asking them, that was a mistake and it really is mummy's decision.

tenredthings · 13/11/2019 19:05

I don't believe you can rescue him even though you would clearly like to. You are not in a position to act on your empathic calling because you have two young children who's needs have to come first.

Anotherlongdrive · 13/11/2019 19:06

suicidal’ was short hand for very depressed and thinking that would be the easiest way out. He’s not drinking heavily or on the verge of overdose. He’s just really really low and needs a friend..

What? Either you are GF, or going to keep adding bits in, until people agree. Suicidal is different to feeling depressed.

He shouldnr be in the house with the kids. Even access help whole at yours wont change anything in 4 days. He isnt going to be any better in 4 days

So you are teaching them to help, until you have better stuff to do.

Maybe they need to understand their mum woll put them first and not kick them out wholse their ex stays in the house instead.

formerbabe · 13/11/2019 19:06

So much internalised misogyny and judgement for single parents!

Single mums need to be very careful about the men they let into their life. You may think that's misogyny, I call it common sense.

MinTheMinx · 13/11/2019 19:06

You want to invite an ex who's suicidal to stay in your home with your children?

Dutchesss · 13/11/2019 19:06

Just read he'd also be on your sofa. That is really unfair on your children.

carly2803 · 13/11/2019 19:06

just read page 2- hes suicidal and you want to bring him around your children?

iwas thinking no anyhow, now i think HELL NO

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