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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

363 replies

MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 18:25

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

OP posts:
churchandstate · 13/11/2019 19:28

Oh, my. You really don't care that you'll be demonstrating to your children that you care about your (ex) shag than you care about them?

That isn’t the case at all. It’a not a zero sum game. The children might need to stay out for a few nights. The friend could lose his life to serious depressive illness. In this situation, his need is greater than theirs.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/11/2019 19:28

Dear lord the leaping to conclusions and assumptions going on here, have you lot got fucking spring boards?

OP if you are confident he is safe to be around the kids and that he will be there only a few days, then yes, have your friend to stay.

It sounds like you have been tippytoeing around your childrens preferences to have your undivided attention for long enough, it isn't normal and it definitely isn't healthy!

Anotherlongdrive · 13/11/2019 19:28

Suicidal people are not homicidal too you know!!! FFS

No but they are suicidal. I woildnt risk my kids being around knowing someone really wanted to hurt themseleves.

RolytheRhino · 13/11/2019 19:29

I'm shocked to see that you've let them dictate your personal relationships here.

I'm shocked that people don't tbh. I know of cases where a boyfriend has abused a woman's DC and it's taken ages to come to light even though the kid was clearly saying that they didn't want the guy around. No one listened to them. Ultimately, the kids should always come first in something like this.

Abuse is most often perpetrated by someone the kids know and it's more common than we like to think.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2019 19:29

Suicidal people are not homicidal too you know!!

Did I miss something? Did someone suggest they were? Because the reason people are saying a suicidal person should not be round young kids,, someone the kids don't even like at the best of times, is because of how distressing and difficult their behaviour may potentially be and how it would emotionally impact children to witness that.

LatentPhase · 13/11/2019 19:30

Suddenly we are taking about child abuse? Eh?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 13/11/2019 19:31

Sounds like your kids have a wee bit too much say about how you live your life. You’re the adult.

JJSS123 · 13/11/2019 19:31

My mum started off like you. We don’t speak now and she’s never met her grandchild.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/11/2019 19:32

I'm not assuming that you're going to be shagging him. I do think that your intention is good but your judgement is really poor at the moment. You can still visit him in hospital and be a friend to him. Don't let him stay. You will seriously undermine your relationship with your children if you do.

RolytheRhino · 13/11/2019 19:32

Suddenly we are taking about child abuse? Eh?

Entirely possible that the kids have a more serious reason for not wanting him around than the one they've stated.

WhineUp · 13/11/2019 19:32

OMG. How absolutely dreadful, OP DARED to have had a boyfriend at some point, and even, gasp SHAGGED HIM!

How very dare you, OP. That's outrageous. You should've sewn your vagina shut as soon as you've split up with the children's father, doncha know?

stucknoue · 13/11/2019 19:32

No kids don't get to choose but always be alert to why they don't like someone, sometimes there's a more sinister reason than kids being possessive over you. They do need to be considered, eg I will never bring a person into their lives until I'm sure it's going to be reasonably long term.

monkeymonkey2010 · 13/11/2019 19:33

He was introduced as a friend to them, they caught us holding hands. I broke up with him when they said they didn’t want me to date him. I broke up with my last partner for the same reason. I’m currently single

You will be single til they all fly the nest if you keep up this 'consulting' them as though they are adults.
Yes, their opinions and feelings matter - so discuss WHY they don't want you having a partner.

Then you can reassure them so they don't feel scared to leave your side or see you give attention to someone else.
I'm guessing the behavioural/attachment issues stem from not having/losing their dad so they're scared that you too will 'abandon' them if you find someone else.
Simply telling them that you won't stop loving them and will never 'leave' them isn't going to do the trick, i think you need to reach out to family counselling/organisations for that help.

In the meantime, you can't let them dictate your life.
YOU are the adult and YOU make the decisions....you ARE taking their opinions into account - and when YOU make the decisions that affect the household they HAVE to respect that even if they don't agree.

It's easy to over compensate when you're a single parent due to guilt etc, but i think your friend is right somewhat when she says you're 'too soft' on them.
You need boundaries and communication that empower you as the parent in charge - they are not adults and they don't get to dictate to you.

Anotherlongdrive · 13/11/2019 19:33

OMG. How absolutely dreadful, OP DARED to have had a boyfriend at some point, and even,gaspSHAGGED HIM!

Who said that?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/11/2019 19:34

Having a friend stay and telling the children to put up with it or stay elsewhere is shocking to me. I’m surprised others would be part of the plan as it sends a very clear message to the children.

I certainly wouldn’t be exposing them to his mental health issues either. The children don’t need to be involved in that.

BlackAudi · 13/11/2019 19:34

@crustycrab drinking his booze

Wow nobody mentioned a drinking problem you've just massively stereotyped him because he's homeless & depressed. Wow. You should be ashamed of yourself......

minababelina · 13/11/2019 19:35

I would not have him stay and I would not impose someone on my children. He should go to a BB.

applesandacorns · 13/11/2019 19:36

Sounds dodgy. He can stay in a hotel or B&B.

Kanga83 · 13/11/2019 19:37

I would be listening strongly to your children. Do not bring chaos willingly into your home. There is other help available if he is depressed, especially if alcohol is in play. If he is bad as you say then either crisis team can help, or Shelter/local b&b/hostel if he's not. I think it would be incredible selfish of you to have him in your home with young children. I'm hoping this is a wind up to be honest.

makingmammaries · 13/11/2019 19:37

I think you should have him to stay and explain to the children that sometimes it is necessary to help people. I have this on a smaller scale with my children frequently. They tried to tell me we parents could not invite a friend to lunch when she was alone for two weeks. I told them that sometimes social obligations trump wishes.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2019 19:38

Actually I'm curious as to why he'd even want to sleep on your sofa with two kids about feeling like he is. Is there a reason he can't have somewhere local like a hotel or b&b close to you where he can at least have a bed?

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 13/11/2019 19:38

You want to invite a suicidal person into the home you share with your young children who express strenuously that they don't wish him to be there?

WTAF is wrong with you that this is a dilemma?

maryberryslayers · 13/11/2019 19:40

This is your children's home!! Why would you invite someone to stay who clearly makes them uncomfortable and is suicidal! Most people go to great lengths to protect their children from situations like this.
Just listen to your children, you're there parent and are supposed to put them first not your friend, no matter what state he is in.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 13/11/2019 19:40

'suicidal’ was short hand for very depressed and thinking that would be the easiest way out. He’s not drinking heavily or on the verge of overdose. He’s just really really low and needs a friend.

I think you said 'suicidal' when you thought it would make people think maybe he should stay with you.

Then you backtracked because people reacted telling you how unbelievably responsible it would be to have someone suicidal staying in your home against your children's wishes especially when one already has behaviour problems bless him.

I've been suicidal. It's awful, truly truly awful. Although you now say he's not suicidal because people agreed (quite rightly IMO) that it makes your judgement on this even worse.

So people aren't being unsympathetic to him if he's feeling so low. But he absolutely should not be staying at yours - your responsibility is with your children. Do you really think any child, especially one already struggling with behavioural problems, will be able to feel settled, safe and parented with a suicidal friend of their mum staying?

And you say 3-4 days... what were you planning to do on day 4 when he says he still has nowhere to go and if you kick him out he doesn't know what he'll do etc?

FYI from someone who has been suicidal a number of times, 3-4 days doesn't make any difference in the long term. It's not anywhere near long enough to wade through your issues.

If he needs housing he also needs to presenting as genuinely homeless so you won't be helping on that front either.

FFS, your poor kids having this to worry about.

Doingitaloneandproud · 13/11/2019 19:41

I don't get the misogyny comment, I'd feel the same about a suicidal female that my kids didn't like who wanted to stay and that's a no. I'm a single mother too and my child always comes first. I wouldn't be inviting someone into my home to stay he wasn't comfortable with, just because they're children doesn't mean Feelings aren't valid