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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

363 replies

MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 18:25

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

OP posts:
Savingforarainyday · 13/11/2019 18:46

Where will he be sleeping?

Loopytiles · 13/11/2019 18:46

You are showing very poor judgment here.

Duchessgummybuns · 13/11/2019 18:46

I’d put money on him staying longer than 3-4 days once he gets his feet under the table.

Someone on here very wisely said “no one loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live”

YABVU to put this man before your children’s feelings

Doingitaloneandproud · 13/11/2019 18:47

I'm afraid this is not for your children to be Around and neither for them to be turfed out for him. Your children are your priority not this man

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2019 18:47

Op, you can invite a suicidal man into your home with young kids. Cmon.

formerbabe · 13/11/2019 18:47

Wow, your update makes it even worse. You want to have a suicidal man stay in your home with your two dc who are unhappy about this, one of whom has behavioural problems.

Bloody hell. Is your judgment always this bad? There are professionals who will be able to help your friend.

bridgetreilly · 13/11/2019 18:48

Don't send them to relatives. That will absolutely reinforce their view that you prefer spending time with him to them. But, it is your house and they don't get to choose who comes to stay. I would invite him but I would do my best to ensure that family life continues as normal for your children. Do stuff with them leaving him on his own sometimes, for instance. They are important - more important than a friend, but you are in charge, so it's your responsibility to show them that.

dontalltalkatonce · 13/11/2019 18:48

You need to put your kids here first, sorry, but that's how it goes as a lone parent, your love life and personal life take a backseat for a while. My 11-year-old has 'behavioural problems'. It's a real PITA but he has to be put first, he's a child, FFS.

He needs to access help where he is.

You do not have room in your life for this, your child who has conditions needs to come first.

couchparsnip · 13/11/2019 18:48

The trouble is that 3-4 days might not be enough time. If he needs to stay longer will you make your DC stay away?
You asked their opinion and if you now say it doesn't matter that will make them think they don't matter to you.

Thurmanmurman · 13/11/2019 18:49

YABU. Your children should come first, not some bloke you were or are shagging.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 13/11/2019 18:49

This "friend" sounds like he might create the sort of chaos you don't really need in your life right now. I think it's unfair of him to dump his personal crises on a single mum with demanding children.

Is your house very small? Are the kids being turfed out of their bedrooms to allow your ex to stay?

EleanorShellstrop100 · 13/11/2019 18:49

Your friend is wrong. You don’t consult kids about everything like ‘Do you want to have a bath today?’ or ‘Do you want to go to school?’ In that sense yes you are the adult. BUT, with stuff like this, they should get a say. You should never ignore or disregard your kids feelings, especially when it is to do with inviting a man who they don’t like or feel comfortable around for whatever reason, to sleep in their home, the place that they are meant to feel safe and comfortable. You would also be unreasonable to remove them from their home to stay with relatives so that this man can come. They don’t like this man and their feelings matter. Just see him elsewhere if need be.

lyingwanker · 13/11/2019 18:49

Now you've asked them I think you have to go with their decision I'm afraid. Another option would be to have another conversation with them to somehow bring them round to the idea, explain that your friend is really upset and having a bad time and you really want to help him etc.

At ages 9&11 I doubt I'd have asked them, more explained what was happening and why and then asked/answered any questions

nicky7654 · 13/11/2019 18:50

Your friends needs you so let him stay and next time don't ask your children tell them! You are the adult and children should be treated like children.

BarbedBloom · 13/11/2019 18:51

I voted YABU because I don't think it is appropriate to bring a suicidal person into your home with children there. I am imagining he is struggling a lot right now, possibly distressed and it is a lot of responsibility to take onto yourself as well. Where will he be going after the 3-4 days?

WhiskersPete · 13/11/2019 18:51

This can't be serious. You want someone with serious mental health problems to stay with you and your children? YABVU

HollowTalk · 13/11/2019 18:53

If he's suicidal then staying with you won't help him, OP. Your children don't want him there, you have work and have to care for your children. You simply won't have the freedom to spend long periods of time with him.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/11/2019 18:53

I was waiting on your update in relation to how much of a 'friend' he is and why he needs to get 'sorted'.
In all honesty @MarmiteAndMustard he is not your problem to solve. There are organisations available that can help him if he is suicidal or has suicidal ideations and they are best placed to help him sort himself out. It will not be sorted in a few days and to invite someone into your house that has these particular feelings when you are a lone parent and have children living with you, with every good intention in the world is not a good idea.

Don't have him to stay.

Duchessgummybuns · 13/11/2019 18:53

Missed your update. If he’s suicidal he should be in a hospital, not around vulnerable children. Think on OP.

RandomMess · 13/11/2019 18:53

Generally I don't think you should be giving them the choice.

DC are intrinsically selfish, they want things to stay with you running around and available for them 24/7.

You should build a social life for yourself and not let them dictate to you.

I think in this particular case it sounds as if your friend isn't in a good place so perhaps you should get the DC to stay with family if you want your friend to still stay for 3/4 days.

nicky7654 · 13/11/2019 18:53

As I've said help your friend (which is lovely of you) and tell your kids to be respectful while he is staying.

Lunde · 13/11/2019 18:53

You want to invite your suicidal ex into your childrens' home and are asking them to leave if they don't like it? Are you mad? have you no judgement?

LittleSweet · 13/11/2019 18:54

I don't think you can provide the support a suicidal person needs. They need professional assessment, medication and therapy. I really don't think it's a good idea to put your friend's needs above your dcs, especially as one of your dc has additional needs. You are a mother first.

LuluBellaBlue · 13/11/2019 18:54

Regardless of his sex or that he’s a past lover I simply wouldn’t bring a suicidal person to stay in my house with children around.
Added in that he’s an ex, and your children have been vocal about not wanting him there I definitely wouldn’t.
I say this as someone who’s suffered from mental illnesses - his energy WILL effect your children in a negative way - maybe long term too.

pooopypants · 13/11/2019 18:55

You're inviting a suicidal person, into your home, with children living there, on the basis they can stay with relatives if they don't like it?

This is a wind up, surely?