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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

363 replies

MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 18:25

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

OP posts:
Greatorb · 13/11/2019 19:08

You have two issues here op.

  1. Your friend is in a bad place, but are you really the best person to look after him? His issues wont disappear in a couple of days. It's probably better to refer him to the samaritans tbh.
  1. Your DC sound jealous and controlling of anyone that takes your attention away from them. Allow this to continue and they will treat future relationships the same.
LatentPhase · 13/11/2019 19:09

Agree with LL83 impossible to know really how wise this is. If he will make himself scarce after school and you’ll take time off then the approach above from LL83 is perfect. If we always give kids ‘what they want’ we do them a disservice and they fail to learn the important lesson that life is not all about them.

noeyedeer · 13/11/2019 19:09

YABU. At 11 I had "behavioural problems" and didn't want my parents' friend to stay in the house (he always had a sob story too) and I couldn't give a 'valid' reason. I was being abused by said "friend". More than likely not the case here, I appreciate that I'm projecting, but it stuck with me for a long time that my parents valued helping someone else over my feelings, because I was being "unreasonable".

morriseysquif · 13/11/2019 19:10

I would not be inviting a mentally unstable man to sleep on the sofa.

Help him in other ways, just not this way.

Anotherlongdrive · 13/11/2019 19:10

So much internalised misogyny and judgement for single parents

Give over, I was a single parent for a few years.

Would never have put my kids out to let an ex come a stay

Ated · 13/11/2019 19:12

He is a friend that trusts you and whether your children like it or not, tell them he is coming to stay and that is it. A friendly face is always a good thing to help you find a calm place in your head and to gain some peace and clear thinking. Do it with pride and compassion and don't look back. Your kids will have to put up with it.

megletthesecond · 13/11/2019 19:12

Don't be daft.
While I've known people this reckless I do hope it's a wind up Hmm.

Cryalot2 · 13/11/2019 19:13

There are a couple of things going on.
Its is your home and you should be able to invite who you like to stay.
Your kids need to accept that you can have male and female friends to stay.
Yes they do take a bit of your time but they cannot stop you from having friends.
They are rather young to dictate. It is good you involve them , but at the end of the day you are an adult.
Have a chat and explain that adults do have friends to stay and go out with and date . They have their friends and you have yours.
If your friend needs help ,why not, but tell the kids they stay and behave because this is normal.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2019 19:15

The few responses saying your kids have to just lump it, and you should invite this depressed unstable man into their young lives is just unbelievable. No many there are so many fucked up dysfunctional families on the world.

No one in their right mind would invite this man into their home like this.

Op, exactly how do you think he's going to stop feeling so low he is suicidal in three or four days?

And why does he want to come? Does he have a home in this country? Friends? Money? A job?

Namechangeoflife · 13/11/2019 19:16

*You're inviting a suicidal person, into your home, with children living there, on the basis they can stay with relatives if they don't like it?

This is a wind up, surely?*
This.
I can’t actually believe some People think yanbu.
There’s not giving children a say in the matter because they are children and this does not fall under this.
There’s no way I would have him staying in my home with my children. And 3-4 days is all that’s needed?
I can see the thread title now in 6 months

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2019 19:16

If your friend needs help ,why not, but tell the kids they stay and behave because this is normal

No it's not, it's not remotely normal.

Wolfiefan · 13/11/2019 19:16

3 or 4 days on the sofa of a friend won’t suddenly make him not be suicidal. He needs proper professional help.

churchandstate · 13/11/2019 19:18

No one in their right mind would invite this man into their home like this

I would. Obviously that presupposes that I may not be in my right mind but I believe I am (wibble). If he had no track record of violence or substance abuse I wouldn’t hesitate. I have female friends who suffer with severe depression and would do the same for them. If my DC felt uncomfortable about a couple of days they could stay elsewhere and I wouldn’t be upset with them about it.

I think a lot of people here are assuming things about the friend that the OP hasn’t even hinted at. My friend is sometimes suicidal and she wouldn’t hurt a fly, she just has clinical depression.

Namechangeoflife · 13/11/2019 19:18

And come on @Greatorb, are we really labelling 9& 11 year olds controlling?

VelvetSpoon · 13/11/2019 19:19

OP, firstly what a compassionate, thoughtful person you sound.

Given your DC ages I don't think it will hurt them to spend a few days at grandparents if they don't want to be at home when friend is there. I get how hard it is to be a single parent, I've been there. I think kids especially primary aged get used to mum always being there and life revolving around them...which is right to an extent but in a nuclear family set up there's 2 parents to share that expectation, it doesn't all fall to one because there are generally 2 adults in the house at least some of the time.

This is a long way of saying that I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. It will be good for your DC to spend a little time with grandparents and also think about why we help others in need etc. If it was weeks I might feel differently but not just a few days.

ymf117 · 13/11/2019 19:20

Will they stay with relatives the whole time? If so why do they need to know?

I don't think you should invite someone in to their home and say tough shit, you need to put your children first

WhineUp · 13/11/2019 19:22

Um. As long as he's not in any way creepy or dangerous, I'm afraid your kids have no say in this. I'm shocked to see that you've let them dictate your personal relationships here. I just wonder who is parenting whom in this rather odd dynamic you seem to have with your children.

Anotherlongdrive · 13/11/2019 19:23

Given your DC ages I don't think it will hurt them to spend a few days at grandparents if they don't want to be at home when friend is there. I get how hard it is to be a single parent, I've been there. I think kids especially primary aged get used to mum always being there and life revolving around them...which is right to an extent but in a nuclear family set up there's 2 parents to share that expectation, it doesn't all fall to one because there are generally 2 adults in the house at least some of the time.

The kids are being told to leave their home. Not going to spend quality time with their grandparents. They dont like going.

Life as a single parent is hard. I know, I have done it. How is trying to help a very depressed friend over 4 days, u til she has something better to do, making that any better? It wont stop him being depressed and no treatment advice service will work in 4 days.

Helping the depressed ex friend is something the OP is choosing to take on, on her own. What would happen in a 2 parent family is irrelevant.

BlackAudi · 13/11/2019 19:24

@dontalltalkatonce it's not always a "line" as you put it... I've been there myself as a teenager and it very much WAS the case.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2019 19:25

Given your DC ages I don't think it will hurt them to spend a few days at grandparents if they don't want to be at home when friend is there

Are you really saying that sending a child with behavioural issues, to stay at a grandparents they don't want to stay with, us in your view harmless? Have you ever dealt with a child with behavioural issues?

BlackAudi · 13/11/2019 19:25

@carly2803 hes suicidal and you want to bring him around your children?

Suicidal people are not homicidal too you know!!! FFS

PlasticPatty · 13/11/2019 19:26

Oh, my. You really don't care that you'll be demonstrating to your children that you care about your (ex) shag than you care about them? You can be his friend on the phone, he doesn't need to be in your house. Have more respect for your children, they'll (hopefully) be around for the rest of your life.

Cauliflowerhead · 13/11/2019 19:26

What if he isn’t right after 3/4 days? Are you going to kick a mentally ill person out in to the street?

Your time would be better spent getting this man the long term care he needs in housing and mental health

crustycrab · 13/11/2019 19:26

Going to take a couple of days leave to help him....you're imagining helping him do practical stuff like form filling and contacting agencies when in reality he's going to sit chewing your ear off, drinking his booze and disrupting your kids.

That's why nobody in the 8 hour drive between the two of you will have him

Greatorb · 13/11/2019 19:27

@Namechangeoflife

So, somebody using emotional blackmail to get what they want from a relationship isn't controlling behaviour now? Hmm