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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 22 year old daughter should let me know if she is not coming home?

253 replies

Pollywollydolly · 11/11/2019 02:36

It's 2.30 am. I have work in the morning and I should be in bed. Instead I am phoning and texting my 22 year old daughter as I have no idea where she is. I should add it's not unusual for her not to tell me she's staying out, but she has recently split from her long-term boyfriend and her best friend is asleep upstairs.

Last thing I heard from her was a drunken phone conversation about four hours ago when she told me that her best friend was going to pick her up soon. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been out. I offered to pick her up but she didn't want me to.

I have a busy job and I'm going to be shattered in the morning. Every time she does this I wonder if this will be the time she doesn't turn up tomorrow. I've just broken my own rule and left her a furious answer phone message.

I've explained to her time after time that I just need to know she's safe. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BlueSuedeStiletto · 11/11/2019 02:38

She's 22. An adult, who has been an adult for 4 years.

In the nicest possible way, stop fretting and go to bed.

BlueSuedeStiletto · 11/11/2019 02:41

Ooops posted too soon.

At 22 I lived with XP and had just finished uni. My parents pretty much never knew where I was. I know it's hard if an adult child still lives at home, but honestly it's time to stop waiting up for her.

lyralalala · 11/11/2019 02:47

I know it's not the easiest, but my Nana (who brought me up) was of the opinion that if anything horrendous happened she'd deal with it better after a good night's sleep so went to bed as normal.

The house phone was loud and would have woken her if needs be. I bet you'd wake if your mobile rang.

At 22 she could be living elsewhere and you'd have no idea if she was in, out or wherever.

Go to bed and sleep when she's out and trust that if she needs you she'll call you

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 11/11/2019 02:55

Yes it is good manners, if only so the people at home can securely lock up the house, let alone have a niggling concern about safety (I'd worry about any adult who randomly didn't come home and was uncontactable for an extended period of time)

All she had to do was say "off out, prob not home till morning, byeee!" Before going. Or a quick call to say "staying out, feel free to lock up"

BoomBoomsCousin · 11/11/2019 02:58

I somewhat agree with the other posters that your daughter is an adult and, since this is not unusual you should stop fretting and go to bed.

But I am struck by you saying her best friend was supposed to pick her up 4 hours ago but hasn’t and is, instead, upstairs in your house in bed. That seems very odd. Did the friend go out to pick her up? Have you spoken to the friend about why she didn’t pick her up?

TabithasMumCaroline · 11/11/2019 02:58

It is hard. But as others have said, my eldest is in her third year of university and I never have any idea where she is Grin
She was 17 for half of her first year. I’ve had to train myself to take a massive chill pill and keep my fingers crossed.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 11/11/2019 03:08

Definitely NBU. If she wants total freedom she needs her own place. Being 'an adult' is irrelevant really, I'd be worrying about anyone no matter what their age of they didn't get in touch and I didn't know that they were intending to be out all night. While she is under your roof she needs to show a little thoughtfulness and courtesy.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 11/11/2019 03:15

What was said in the drunken conversation? Has she got form for doing this? I’d be feeling the same as you if it was my dd.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/11/2019 03:18

YANBU
This is about respecting you and your home. Adults do this so saying she’s an adult and to let your hair down is a red herring. It all sounds odd. I’d not be happy with the friend either.

notsodimwit · 11/11/2019 04:19

So worrying for youSad hope she gets home OK xxFlowers

notsodimwit · 11/11/2019 04:21

Also Yanbu x

WagtailRobin · 11/11/2019 05:01

It is understandable that you worry about her, I am older than your daughter and yet my mum worries about me anytime I leave the house, in fact she worries about all of her children constantly despite the fact they are grown married adults with kids of their own.

A mother's worry never ends but she is an adult and although it would be nice if she had the courtesy to let you know if she isn't coming in, she's not really obliged to do so.

Mermaidoutofwater · 11/11/2019 05:43

I’m not 22 any more but I still don’t know exactly what time I’ll feel like coming home after a night out Hmm
What is the purpose of her updating you? So you can anxiously remain awake until her nominated time? Or so you can disapprove and tell her she needs to be home earlier?
At 22 post recent breakup she’s probably having sex with someone new. Give your adult daughter a bit of space and privacy.

AmIThough · 11/11/2019 05:49

I think it's shitty because she told you she was coming home soon but there's nothing you can do and calling and messaging is only going to drain her battery so she won't be able to call her friend when she needs her

motherheroic · 11/11/2019 05:51

As long as she is living at home she should let you know. In my opinion. Wouldn't matter if she was living alone because you wouldn't have known she had left.

Tumbleweed101 · 11/11/2019 05:53

I don’t wait up but I do expect my adult children who live at home to give me an idea of when they’ll be home. I also judge it by where they say they’re going. Restaurant then home and I’ll be worried around midnight if they’re not back. Nightclub and I’ll not expect them til 3/4 am so likely to just check they’re back when I get up. Assuming I didn’t wake when they stumbled in. It’s only a problem if they expect picking up.

motherheroic · 11/11/2019 05:53

I think this situation is made worse by an incoherent drunk call and then no contact. Of course you're going to worry.

ChileConCarne · 11/11/2019 06:19

I think if she’s living in your home, she needs to let you know she won’t be coming home. If she doesn’t want that restriction, she can rent her own flat.

ScarlettDarling · 11/11/2019 06:23

I agree that as long as she's living with you, she owes you the courtesy of letting you know if she'll not be home. Yes of course she's an adult and can stay out all night whenever she wants, but a text takes literally a few seconds and is not too much to ask.

User3421090989098 · 11/11/2019 06:25

I’m sure she’s fine but I agree how long does it take to send a I’m fine won’t be home message.

Roselilly36 · 11/11/2019 06:27

YANBU, I would be worried too. I hope your DD is ok. Of course if a DD/DS is at uni you don’t know where they are but if they are living under your roof, and you know they aren’t home when you expect them to be of course you will worry. Your DD needs to be more considerate in future.

AJPTaylor · 11/11/2019 06:31

I agree
Dd1 And 2 left home several years ago
I don't think about where they are unless they are staying with me. Then I can't sleep if they are not where they should be.

StKnickerloss · 11/11/2019 06:47

YANBU.
Mine are adults but because of where we live (London suburb) I like to lock up properly!
I try not to think about what they are up to and we've had a "as long as all you do is legal and consensual, then I don't need to know" relationship.

It comes down to respect and acting like an adult.

Dita73 · 11/11/2019 06:48

I have a 23 year old daughter. Yes she is an adult but while she lives with us she must let us know where she is if she’s told us she would be back at a certain time and doesn’t show up. We’re parents and are automatically going to worry our children are. YANBU at all. I hope everything’s ok

Dita73 · 11/11/2019 06:49

*if our children are ok. Apologies. It’s very early!