Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 22 year old daughter should let me know if she is not coming home?

253 replies

Pollywollydolly · 11/11/2019 02:36

It's 2.30 am. I have work in the morning and I should be in bed. Instead I am phoning and texting my 22 year old daughter as I have no idea where she is. I should add it's not unusual for her not to tell me she's staying out, but she has recently split from her long-term boyfriend and her best friend is asleep upstairs.

Last thing I heard from her was a drunken phone conversation about four hours ago when she told me that her best friend was going to pick her up soon. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been out. I offered to pick her up but she didn't want me to.

I have a busy job and I'm going to be shattered in the morning. Every time she does this I wonder if this will be the time she doesn't turn up tomorrow. I've just broken my own rule and left her a furious answer phone message.

I've explained to her time after time that I just need to know she's safe. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 11/11/2019 13:38

I have a chain on my door. It has a key that can used from the outside. Whoever lives here and goes out independently gets the key.

speakout · 11/11/2019 13:41

Rezie Sometimes young adult have a change of plans.

My DS may go out to meet some friends for a few drinks at a local pub, but then decide to go into town, on to a party or back to a mate's house.

It's no big deal to me, I don't want him to feel he has to text his Mum at 1am because he has decided to stop over somewhere, and
certainly don't want a phone call or message at that time because I will be in deep slumber.
He is sensible, has great friends, if anything bad has happened then I would be contacted I am sure.

I always feel relaxed when he is out having fun.

Jaxhog · 11/11/2019 13:45

To all those who think it's unnecessary to send a simple text, I hope that if you have an accident that you aren't lying in a ditch, injured, overnight because you couldn't be bothered to let someone know you would be late.

ffswhatnext · 11/11/2019 13:46

Not even young adults.
I'm in my 40's and a quick trip to the local shop can end up with me changing plans. Although I do let them know then. But wouldn't keep texting, oops yea moved onto somewhere else. Or still having a coffee and a catch up with someone I haven't seen in a long time. It doesn't sit right with me. Like I'm not trusted enough to make my own decisions.

ffswhatnext · 11/11/2019 13:49

If I was laying in a ditch, of course, I would let someone know if I could. And if I couldn't it still wouldn't help me. I'm still in some unknown ditch. Yeah someone could come looking for me, or stay at home and fret. Fretting about me doesn't help when I'm in that ditch.

greeentopmilk · 11/11/2019 13:52

Yanbu

It's not about being an adult it's about having some courtesy for the people you live with so they don't worry and know what to do regarding locking up the house for the night.

If my DH or i go out separately we always let each other know our plans and when we expect to come home. If it changes we send a quick text so if the other wakes up and the other side of the bed is still empty we know not to panic! It's just the decent thing to do.

Our kids will be expected to do the same when they are older as long as they live with us. When they move out then it's a case of having to let go and trust them to keep themselves safe!

janinlondon · 11/11/2019 14:01

I am confused - do people not double lock and chain their door and set the alarm when they go to bed? All these people saying dont wait up - do you just leave the front door on the latch in case she troubles herself to come home??

speakout · 11/11/2019 14:01

Jaxhog I disagree.

My 18 yo went to New Zealand for a year to work on farms. internet was patchy and he was enjoying his freedom.
Weeks would pass without any communication.

I don't need him to text me on a night out locally to say he will be late or not back until the next morning.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 11/11/2019 14:09

YANBU, whatever her age, whilst she shares a house with you, she should let you know if she plans to stay out all night.

I have this problem with my DD(18), she thinks I'm treating her like a child - I don't want details of where she is, just if she's not coming back, which is fine. I would let DH know if I was planning to stay out at a friend's and I'm in my 50s.

All the posters who say "oh I had moved out by 22/travelling/whatever", that's completely irrelevant! If you've moved out then fine you don't need to tell your parents you're staying out.

My other DD is at uni and I have no idea when she is in or out, but I'm pretty sure she'd let her flat mates know if she wasn't coming home.

MummyJasmin · 11/11/2019 14:13

She lives under your roof and should respect your rules.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 11/11/2019 14:18

My oldest is 17 so I didn't vote.

However, I say kick her out if you don't want to have to worry about her comings and goings, otherwise it's common courtesy to let the other members of a household know where you are or when to expect you back.

She sounds like she's really taking advantage of you and is behaving rudely. I would also worry that she's become addicted to alcohol.

thisnamechanger · 11/11/2019 14:23

My housemate and I are both in our thirties and we both let one another know if we're not coming home ... just so someone knows where we are...is that weird?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 11/11/2019 14:27

Bit of a leap to suggest she's an alcoholic!!

nokidshere · 11/11/2019 14:34

Age is irrelevant. When we go out and someone is home we let each other know if we are coming home or not. If I am staying out all night I let my adult boys know so they can put the chain on the door and they do the same if they are staying out. If we are all out I text them to say I'll be home after them, otherwise they would assume I was in bed and lock me out.

It's got nothing to do with tracking and everything to do with common courtesy.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 11/11/2019 14:47

Bigsandyballs yes, I guess you're right. But I heard "drunken conversation" and I went right there. I apologize to all those who have drunken conversations with their mothers during the night; assuming they are alcoholics is, I agree, slightly OTT.

Interesting name you've got there!

ffswhatnext · 11/11/2019 15:01

Have some people managed to miss the ops updates.
The dd was at home.
In bed.
Sleeping.
She let mum know what happened and went to sleep.

ffswhatnext · 11/11/2019 15:09

@janinlondon
My doors can be opened and closed from either side of the door. I have replaced locks to do this.
I have a chain, it also can be looked at either side of the door.
Alarm code shouldn't be an issue.

If my dc's are old enough to go out unsupervised they are old enough to have the various keys needed.

The only doors I have bolted have been sliding doors. Or flimsy doors whilst I sort cash out to get a proper door fitted.

Yes someone has attempted to break in. Had the crowbar marks left in the door and frame. A couple of footprints on the door. Crowbar on the windows. They either got spooked or went elsewhere,

MindyStClaire · 11/11/2019 15:24

Age is irrelevant. I'm 35 and obviously my parents haven't known where I was at all times for a long time. But I still let them know my rough plans when I'm staying at theirs, and text them if there's significant changes.

DH and I do the same with each other. It's basic courtesy.

Nanny0gg · 11/11/2019 16:02

It's my house.
My kids didn't need to ask my permission to go out or stay out but they needed to let me know their general plans.

Common courtesy

And yes, I'd tell them my plans too

CTRL · 11/11/2019 16:06

I get you OP

I’m 29 now but even times I stay at my mums house and I’m going out; I give her a little text to let her know I’m safe and if I’ll be coming back home late, I’ll tell her to go to sleep and when I get home I just pop my head in her room to say I’m home and safe.

Yes I’m an adult and no my mother doesn’t have to worry anymore nor does she have to stay up waiting for me.

However I know as a parent that you still naturally worry about your ‘children’ - even if they aren’t children anymore and as I know my mum would be up worrying; I would give her the reassurance that I’m ok.

nokidshere · 11/11/2019 17:23

I have a chain, it also can be looked at either side of the door.

A chain you can lock from inside and outside? Sounds useful, or dodgy Confused do you have a link?

blubelle7 · 11/11/2019 20:15

It's the polite thing to do especially for safety reasons so you can lock up properly. If for locking up purposes, I would just change your rule to let me know by 9pm if you are not coming home so I can lock up, if not the latch/alarm will be on and you won't be able to come in and I'm not getting up. If it's not about safety, then just let her be.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/11/2019 20:20

"This is about respecting you and your home. Adults do this so saying she’s an adult and to let your hair down is a red herring."

No, adults living with other adults don't necessarily do this. I would refuse to do it in a house share or as a lodger.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/11/2019 20:22

"My housemate and I are both in our thirties and we both let one another know if we're not coming home ... just so someone knows where we are...is that weird?"

Not weird, but shouldn't be compulsory in my opinion and definitely doesn't happen in all houseshares, some of which have 4, 5 or more people.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/11/2019 20:25

" do people not double lock and chain their door and set the alarm when they go to bed? All these people saying dont wait up - do you just leave the front door on the latch in case she troubles herself to come home??"

They probably live in houses where the door automatically locks when you close it, but can be opened with a key.
I just close my door and it locks, don't double lock, don't have a chain or an alarm lol.