To think my 22 year old daughter should let me know if she is not coming home?

[Pollywollydolly]

It's 2.30 am. I have work in the morning and I should be in bed. Instead I am phoning and texting my 22 year old daughter as I have no idea where she is. I should add it's not unusual for her not to tell me she's staying out, but she has recently split from her long-term boyfriend and her best friend is asleep upstairs.

Last thing I heard from her was a drunken phone conversation about four hours ago when she told me that her best friend was going to pick her up soon. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been out. I offered to pick her up but she didn't want me to.

I have a busy job and I'm going to be shattered in the morning. Every time she does this I wonder if this will be the time she doesn't turn up tomorrow. I've just broken my own rule and left her a furious answer phone message.

I've explained to her time after time that I just need to know she's safe. Am I being unreasonable?

YANBU others with adult DCs have told me that it's easier and less stressful , in this sense, if they don't live with you. If they're still under your roof its natural to worry if they stay out.

Yeah I agree my dd early 20s occasionally forgets to tell me she's not coming home . She's got better and will text. I've always gone to bed though and I see the message when I wake up but least I'm not worrying when I see she's not come home . It's harder when they are adults but yeah yanbu to expect a quick text .

@Pollywollydolly

Oh as a mother of DD, YADDDDDNBU!!!!

I used to worry myself batshit if they weren't home when they said they would be, and no matter how old they are 22, 32, or older, you are gonna worry.

You'll never stop coz they're your babies and you're a great mother!

NEVER feel bad for going nuts. We've all done it!

Oops meant to say, I would also worry about DS!!!

Haha - you are me!!! I wait up every night she's out. Bad things do happen. You just need to know she's safe. We have lots of arguments about this. Her dad doesn't seem to care less which also drives me mad. In the cold light of day my DD totally understands but the next time she goes out is the same.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to worry - there's only 1 of her!!!

I wonder when the girl came in!! If OP spent 3 hours fretting over a girl long tucked up in bed.

tbh, my friend used to lock her 22yo out if not home by midnight. Coming home drunk & waking everyone up was not to friends' liking.

One of the pleasures of letting go is not having to keep track of the housemates.

She's a grown adult, she has ever right to not have to report her wherabouts to an overbearing parent at 22.

Assuming she has a way to get into the house without waking you up and a way to get in touch if there is an emergency, you need to chill out.

nokidshere
I would post a link, that old though not sure how I can find one. It is an odd design. Say I've not looked through the spyhole to see who's there and I open the door using the chain, there's a little system on the back of the door so I can only open it a certain amount. Going out and locking it that way, once the door is open, there's space to put your hand in. It's completely pointless though as I have a spyhole. Thought these were move common now? I

The only reason it's still there is that I've never changed it. Hardly ever gets used when we are in. And when we're out, not really useful locked or not. Not really going to stop a door with naff locks getting in.

That's why I think the chain and the alarm are daft reasons to use as someone not making contact. A chain is only useful for when you want to see who is there if you haven't got a spyhole. And what's wrong with independent children having the code?

She's a grown up, old enough to be married with kids FFS. Just switch off and go to sleep. What happens when she's 30? Or 40?

I still want to know how op missed people coming in and out of her home. Car started. Doors opening closing and she didn't hear or sense a thing.

DD and best mate might be able to earn some serious money sneaking around like sober. And one of them was drunk 🤣

I always get the giggles when I'm drunk. I'd be trying to walk in, acting like I'm not drunk. Giggling. Mate telling me to shush. You all know how it goes, cos either you've been the drunk one or the mate 😂 Ahh fond memories.

I always thought it was recommended to put the chain on the door only when you're opening it to an unknown caller, otherwise it could hamper emergency services being able to access the property in the event of a fire, incapacitating illness etc., if it's on all the time.

That's what I was told as well Watcherin.
Hence I rely on the spyhole. Really suggest these instead of a chain. Even to look to see who is at the door. For when the spyhole isn't clear and you need to see clearer for things like ID.

Would rather suggest another lock from the inside where keys aren't left in locks. But not buried somewhere either under a mound of clutter. Even when you lock up at night, will give you more protection than a chain.

In an emergency you don't want to be faffing around looking for keys, taking off chains etc. It's all there for a purpose, but not necessarily together.

But like I said, that's what I was always told and advised to do.

She’s an adult. That means she should behave like an adult. Behaving like an adult means engaging in common courtesy. A simple text message “not back tonight” should suffice. But leaving someone else in the house wondering, be it parent, brother, sister, lover, friend is not on. Years back when l house shared, if my housemate got lucky, she always used to contact me to say she wasn’t coming home.

The ops dd didnt let her know plans had changed......because they hadnt.

She was in bed. In the house.

I think if she's living in your home (I always let my mum know even when I moved back home from 26-29) it's just common courtesy to let you know. Yes she's an adult but if you know know she's not coming back you can relax etc x

I don’t wait up for my DD who is also 22 ... but I expect a text to say if she’s not coming back .. it’s a respect thing .. my DS is 19 and away at uni so I have no idea what he’s up to ! But if he’s home I’d expect a quick text from him too . YANBU

Your roof, your rules

It’s common decency to let you know if she is not coming home as she is still under your roof regardless of if she was 16 or 36. I’d be miffed off.

YANBU at ALL. If my daughter lived with me, I would expect her to let me know, at the least, what time I could expect her home. And I would hope she would have a little regard for your peace of mind. Because she cares about me. I would insist upon it, in fact. Perfectly reasonable, if you ask me.

We try and not make it about our DCs "reporting in", but we have a family whatsapp group that we tell each other what we are doing so we all know where each other is (if that makes sense). So DH will say he's staying out and will be home at 9pm or whenever, most of my updates are the same saying the train I'm on and what time I'll be home (commuter). Could you do something similar so she doesn't feel she's having to tell you, but it's more sharing where you are as a courtesy and for safety reasons?

I don't understand why you just didn't go to bed at a reasonable hour.

Even if she sent you a message about her plans, they could change, or she could still never return. She's an adult and you really don't have to wait out for her until the early hours. Or else impose a curfew as if she was 12.

Just go to bed at the time you are supposed to. You can't blame her for you staying awake.

It's not about her age. If my DH told me hours ago he would be home soon and then didn't appear, and wasn't contactable I would worry that something had happened. If he told me he'd be late and not to wait up, I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

She should be letting you know roughly when to expect her. It's just considerate.

i Think it’s just common courtesy for her to let you know if she’s coming home or not.

On the other hand get yourself to your bed and stop worrying. She’s probably met a fella and is enjoying the perks of being 22.

No you are not being unreasonable. I worry about my brother who is 28 as he lives with me. If he says he will be home at 2am and i happen to wake up at 4am and he is not home and no message from him...i want to know if he is ok and where he is for my peace of mind.

Same when i am visiting my parents i always tell them what time i will be home and i am 35. It is courteous to let someone know who worries about you.

Rewind back to when i was at college and uni and i used to think goodness why do i need to tell my parents where i am and what time i will be home. It comes with age and a bit of sense as you get older and especially when you become a parent yourself.

Just adding that I'd only really expect to be told if I was expecting her for dinner or not. Or if I needed to lock up the house and she wouldn't be able to get in if I did, for example.