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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 22 year old daughter should let me know if she is not coming home?

253 replies

Pollywollydolly · 11/11/2019 02:36

It's 2.30 am. I have work in the morning and I should be in bed. Instead I am phoning and texting my 22 year old daughter as I have no idea where she is. I should add it's not unusual for her not to tell me she's staying out, but she has recently split from her long-term boyfriend and her best friend is asleep upstairs.

Last thing I heard from her was a drunken phone conversation about four hours ago when she told me that her best friend was going to pick her up soon. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been out. I offered to pick her up but she didn't want me to.

I have a busy job and I'm going to be shattered in the morning. Every time she does this I wonder if this will be the time she doesn't turn up tomorrow. I've just broken my own rule and left her a furious answer phone message.

I've explained to her time after time that I just need to know she's safe. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BetterWithCheddar · 11/11/2019 06:54

I lived away from home from 18 and my mum never knew where I was. BUT when I visited and went out I always let her know my plans because she wouldn't sleep properly while I was out. I did it out of courtesy even when I was 25! It's not about her being accountable to you, it's about courtesy. A roommate/friend might feel similarly if she didn't come home unexpectedly.

Firefly111 · 11/11/2019 07:06

Hope your daughter got back safe OP

rosegoldivy · 11/11/2019 07:13

YANBU The one rule when I was her age was I sent my mum a text if I wasn't coming home.
My mum said she didn't care what time I sent the text or where I was just as long as I sent it and she knew I was safe.
I was notorious for the party lifestyle when I was young and sometimes would go out on a Friday and not stroll home till early Sunday. But I would ALWAYS send "hi, won't be home tonight, love you" text. No matter how drunk I was.

If I didn't text and didn't come home my mum used to go abso batshit worrying about me

RealMermaid · 11/11/2019 07:15

Whether you live with your parents or friends/flatmates absolutely you should let them know if you're not coming home. When I was her age I lived in a houseshare but would make sure housemates knew whether I'd be back that night or not, and they did the same.

BendingSpoons · 11/11/2019 07:20

YANBU. She lives with you and so should tell you so you don't worry. I live with my husband. I would expect him to tell me if he was staying out late.

My 30 year old brother and SIL are currently staying at my parents. They let them know their plans around dinner, staying out etc.

Loveislandaddict · 11/11/2019 07:22

If she’s living at home, then I think she should inform you.

speakout · 11/11/2019 07:22

I have mixed feelings about this.

OP there is no " right " answer, you and your DD need to discuss this explain your feelings on both sides and come to a solution that you are both happy with.
I have young adults living at home too. My DD is 19 and doesn't mucc like pubs, clubs or getting drunk, she will always text me if there are any changes to her plan.

My DS is 22, he will sometimes go out and not be back until late or even lunchtime the following day, I just go to bed.

DS went to New Zealand for a year when he was 18, and I could go weeks witjout hearing from him, and since then I have been relaxed about trusting him to stay safe.

You and you DD need to come to a compromise that works for both of you.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 11/11/2019 07:23

I would normally say YABU. but given that her best friend is stating at yours and was supposed to pick her up I would query it. I suspect she has texted friend to say she's staying out and friend hasn't thought to let you know.

Our 23 year old lives with is and never let's us know if he's staying out, and I've never thought to ask or be worried about it. Much easier that way.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 11/11/2019 07:26

Those saying "oh I lived on my own/with friends/with my partner at 17" aren't really the same are they. If you'd called the person you were living with whilst drunk and stating someone else in the house was going to pick you up, but that person never left the house as they were asleep you're saying they'd be OTT to worry if you didn't turn up? That doesn't change just because it's a parent worrying FFS

I hope she's turned up now OP

IDontWantToCookTonight · 11/11/2019 07:28

I’m 23, when I was living at home I would always let me mum know where I was and who with. It takes 2 seconds to text an update to let her know I’m safe and if -touch wood- the worst did happen, she would be one step closer knowing where I was and what I was doing.

Now I’ve bought a house with DP and I’ll still text her if I go out drinking. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t want your mum to know where you are when there are potential risks involved.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 11/11/2019 07:48

I dont think adult children need to give updates about what time they're due home etc.

But I think it's common courtesy and a basic safety measure to let other people in the house know if you're actually planning to come home or not. Even if plans arent set in stone, a simple 'met some friends and probably going to sleep at theirs' or something.

It's horrible not knowing if something bad has happened even if logically the probability is small. It's also nice to know for example if you need to creep around in the morning because someone is likely to be asleep or if theres no need

Keepmewarm · 11/11/2019 07:51

I completely agree. I don’t need to know what they are up to just if they plan to come home or not. I don’t wait up though!

Pringlesfortea · 11/11/2019 07:55

Is she your eldest op?
You have to let go
I’ve 3 adult children,I’d never get a wink of sleep if I did what your doing .
Your stifling her

Original poster
Pollywollydolly · 11/11/2019 08:01

Thank you for all your comments. I don't want to interfere in her life but I think it's courteous to let me know whether she'll be home or not. She always agrees but forgets after a few drinks.

After posting I fed the cats, put the dishwasher on and went to bed. I peeped into her room only to find her snoring away so at some point she came in without me noticing. She's safe and that was my main concern.

OP posts:
Thisismyusernamefornow · 11/11/2019 08:07

I personally think that she should let you know if she's coming back to your house.

msmith501 · 11/11/2019 08:11

... so she was in bed asleep whilst you were worrying and leaving her a long ranty message on her phone... should be an interesting chat.

dottiedodah · 11/11/2019 08:14

I think you need to take a step back really .Shes a big girl now and unless you have a tracker on her ,you cant know where she is 24/7! If you have work in the morning then you need your sleep.If she was away at Uni or a flat of her own you wouldnt know then anyway .

havingtochangeusernameagain · 11/11/2019 08:33

Yes I would expect her to let me know that she won't be back. Those of you who say she's an adult, would you be ok with your husband/partner staying out all night without letting you know? And if not, why is that different? It's not, it's about courtesy and not wanting someone to worry.

HeyNotInMyName · 11/11/2019 08:43

YANBU.
You would be unreasonable if you were expecting her to have a curfew etc etc. But letting you know if you are going to back home or staying out is basic manners (unless you are living in a shared accommodation).

Another way is to have a system in place similar to what I had when I was doing a lot of outdoorsy stuff. Agree on a time back at home. If she isn’t doing that, then you start ringing friends/police because it means something bad has happened to her.
This way you can fall asleep (my mum and a good friend’s mum use to just out an alarm at the agreed time) and she can go out knowing she can ‘change her mind’ about coming back or staying out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/11/2019 08:59

Oh dear. I think you may well have had a bit more sleep than you thought! Oh well it’s good she’s safe...

minisoksmakehardwork · 11/11/2019 09:08

I'm glad your dd is home safe. When she's sober and you are calm will be a good time to have a chat about your expectations, whether it's she phones you, sticks her head round your door to say she's home or whatever.

My parents swore blind they were worrying themselves sick when I was out - pre them having a mobile phone. But both would always be snoring when I got home... After I showed them the evidence of their 'staying awake, worried sick' we agreed I had a key and would ring the house phone if there was a problem - they had a landline in their bedroom.

It was a lot easier on all of us.

However, kudos to her for being drunk and creeping in so silently she didn't disturb you.

diddl · 11/11/2019 09:18

Is it possible that the best friend did collect when she was supposed to then?

Was anything said about the text?

I don't think it's a lot to ask if someone is coming home at all or not.

bellabasset · 11/11/2019 09:21

I was married at that age, but my dsis lived at home. It was a bone of contention with them. My df died when my dsis was 26 and she didn't buy a flat until she was around 30. When she visited our mum she had to phone to say she was home, mum knew 3 rings meant she was home.

So YANBU but your dd will think you are.

FrenchJunebug · 11/11/2019 09:32

at 22 I was living in London on my own 8 hours away from my parents in France. YABU.

yearinyearout · 11/11/2019 09:43

YANBU. My dc don't live with me but if they are home at weekends and are staying out late/not coming home I ask them to let me know. It takes very little effort to send a short text.

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