To think my 22 year old daughter should let me know if she is not coming home?

[Pollywollydolly]

It's 2.30 am. I have work in the morning and I should be in bed. Instead I am phoning and texting my 22 year old daughter as I have no idea where she is. I should add it's not unusual for her not to tell me she's staying out, but she has recently split from her long-term boyfriend and her best friend is asleep upstairs.

Last thing I heard from her was a drunken phone conversation about four hours ago when she told me that her best friend was going to pick her up soon. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been out. I offered to pick her up but she didn't want me to.

I have a busy job and I'm going to be shattered in the morning. Every time she does this I wonder if this will be the time she doesn't turn up tomorrow. I've just broken my own rule and left her a furious answer phone message.

I've explained to her time after time that I just need to know she's safe. Am I being unreasonable?

When my daughter lived at home, we would let her be, however if she wasn't coming home she would text us, either at night nor in the morning. In my opinion if she is living in your house she should let you know out of courtesy.

We wouldn't actively wait for her and go to bed; but it was nice to know she was OK.

YANBU. I lived with my lovely late parents until well after the age of your DD and I ALWAYS let them know if I wasn't going to be home.

Their home, their rules and I respected them.

When mine were at home, they went out said see ya later. I checked they had keys and that was it.
They went out. I locked the door and went to bed.
At some point in the night, they returned home.
If they were stuck, my phone was on.

Yes, it's a worry, but at the end of the day, they will move out and I won't know where they are. Sometimes they would send a text when out, other times they didn't.

Once in the adult zone, all I could do was advise them, and cross fingers really that I taught them enough when they were younger. And it was easier to support/guide them when they still lived here.

Yes, there were some rules lol. We sat and sorted these out together as individual adults.

They have grown up with me, so know when I have to sleep I have to.

And for next time. Check her room first

it's common courtesy and a basic safety measure to let other people in the house know if you're actually planning to come home or not
THIS and it’s quite worrying that other adults are conflating living away from home at 22 (good for you) and respecting others in the household.

When I lived in a flat share one girl would never stay weekends, the other would be in and out, but would never tell me if she was staying out (9/10 d sad he did). My bedroom was ground floor front of the flat by the front door on a less than desirable street. All I asked was she let me know if she was coming home so I could put the deadbolt / chains on for some safety. She never did, I got so sick of it one morning she wandered back (6am) while I was in the shower and the locks were still on. She moaned her tits off about being locked outside her own house, so I said if she didn’t have the decency to let me know if I could lock the house up properly to feel safer in MY own home, she needed to accept she would get locked out of HER house from time to time.

OP you’re perfectly reasonable to ask her to let you know if she will be returning to the house that night. It’s not about living away from home, it’s about respecting the others living in that home. I always did it when I lived at home and I would expect others too.

It's only courtesy to let people know that you're ok if you stay out late.r than normal. It applies to husbands, partners, sons and daughters.

How hard is it to send a quick text?

My daughter was similar - she'd come in silently at some time in the night and I never knew! If she went out I'd usually assume she'd either be back at some point or stay with friends, so not worry.
We lock the doors when we go to bed - she has a key! So I don't really understand the locking up arguments.

YANBU.

I am 24 and I moved back in with my parents recently following a break up. I always let them know if I'm not coming home. Yes I'm an adult but it's common decency as I know they would be worried. I also vaguely them know where I'm going and what time I'm expected home.

Hope everything is okay.

This isn't simply about being an adult though; it's about common courtesy. If someone else is sharing my living space with me, then I would always try and let them know if I wasn't intending to come home.

I accept that occasionally events might take over (not half as often as I'd like 'em to these days ) but I'd still try and send a quick message.

So I'm supposed to let my 18 year old know about my movements?

Slightly irrelevant but housemate would bring men back and then go to work leaving them asleep in her room. We didn't know them and didn't necessarily know they were there. One morning we all went to work and last person deadlocked the outside porch door for security as we always did (internal was a yale self-locking). Sleeping man woke up, pulled internal frontdoor shut before checking he could open external door and was locked in a 4' x 2' space for about 5 hours! Luckily not a hot day. This was in the olden days before everyone had mobile phones.

Yes she should. I'm 44, my mum lives with us. I'd let her and DH know if I was going to be late.

It is curtesy to let people you with know what you are doing, particularly if it is unusual or plans drastically change.

I've had nights where DH has gone out with a friend saying he'll be back. I've woken up and he's not there. I know the chances are high that he's decided to drink and stay over, and as long as I know what he's doing that's fine. I have occasionally sent a text to confirm my suspicions that he's staying away if he has neglected to update me and on confirming it, I'm happy that I'm not expecting him and can rest.

When I was a student I lived in a busy student house of 8. One lad kept to himself a lot and quietly passed in and out. One day we began to twig that we hadn't seen him for a few days... no one had seen him for a few days. It turned out that he'd had a fit in a public place and been kept in in hospital. We were adults. We had no particular responsiblity to each other but felt pretty rotten that we hadn't had a clue that our housemate had been missing for days. It is rare, but there are times that it matters.

For those of you saying "just send a text if you're not coming home so I know you're safe" can you explain how said text guarantees safety? The text may well be sent while still in the pub or whatever so theoretically literally anything could happen after it has been sent. Even if they are wherever they are planning to stay, this still applies.

I was going to say YANBU until I remembered at 22 I had been living in my own house for 4 years with a 4 year old child, pregnant with my second, studying full time and working part time.
Yes it would be nice of her to let you know if she was coming home but ultimately she is an adult.

Yanbu. My adult dc (31 and 25) still live at home and always tell me if they are going to be late back/staying elsewhere. It's just respect like I would let them know if i d be a lot later than I said.
Obviously I didnt know if my son was in or out when he lived away so I didnt worry.
I think it s natural to worry about your family especially in your situation OP the drunken phone call would have concerned me especially as it was followed by no show and hours of silence.
The friend bit is weird. Why wasnt she worried too?

Of course a text doesn't guarantee safety but it doesn't mean that it shouldn't be sent.

And at 2 in the morning, I would think it would be pointless sending a text. The person would be sleeping. Waking up in the middle of the night to a text is terrifying because automatically your brain goes to - oh fuck.
Obviously, if that person is ringing/texting you reply lol. Well unless you're at home, snoring your head off 🤣

It’s good manners to let the people you live with know if you won’t be home/will be back very late. It stops them from worrying and/or bolting the door locking you out.

I moved back in with my parents post break up when I was 26.

Had a very wild 6 months (partying + a few dalliances along the way!) but I always made sure I let my folks know if I wasn't coming home. It helped that my dad didn't finish work until 2am so I knew he'd get my message and I could make a last minute choice if I was going to crash elsewhere.

I bet my folks couldn't wait to see the back of me!!

This reminds me of one of my uni flatmates. She left one Saturday lunch time with her boyfriend saying she was heading into town to shop and would see me tonight. (It was just the two of us so not a big house share with coming and going)

Role on Monday and she had never come home. Her mum rang for her and i said I'm sorry i don't know where she is, hadn't seen her since Saturday etc and i was a little worried but hadn't been sure what to do. Her mum tracked her down at the boyfriend's and rang me back to say she was safe. Flatmate came home the next day and was really angry at me as her mum had told her off for being inconsiderate to me. Apparently she is an adult and can do as she liked. She didn't last long, i had to ask her to leave in the end (it was my flat first), i had made it clear from the start it was a non smoking flat and if that wasn't for her then this wasn't the flat for her.

She didn't seem to realise the i didn't just mean cigarettes but also included smoking weed in my flat too!

Basic courtesy.
I certainly wouldn't accept such behaviour from someone living in my house.

Ditto meals. If you are not going to be home for supper, you had better let the cook know!

I am NOT running a hotel.

People are bonkers.

If ANY adult in your house didn't come home when you were expecting them, then you'd worry.

She should let you know if she wont be home, but personally, don't worry about what actual time she's home

As long as she lives at home she should let you know. It you should have house rules etc.

I live on my own but if I'm staying with my parents and go out with friends I will let them know my schedule and whereabouts.

We lock the doors when we go to bed - she has a key! So I don't really understand the locking up arguments.

Er, a chain on the door for one.

People are bonkers. I agree.

The dd let the op know her plans. THat her mate was picking her up. Op knew the mate was upstairs. She could have gone and asked if the friend had heard from dd. Plus you would think that if mate couldn't get hold of the ops dd, the friend would be going to op to say something.

But instead, the best mate left the house. Got in the car. Drove wherever. Drove back and they both walked back in the house and op didn't hear a thing. As clearly dd had her phone on vibrate.

The op could have saved fours hours worrying and gone and spoken to the mate and little sleep.

Yea we do daft things. But now sure how it's the dd's fault.
Ok yes she could have called out hey. Maybe she thought mum was sleeping when she didn't say anything the moment the door was opened or closed.

If op really failed to hear this. Or realise people were entering her home and walking around, then that's the only thing this time that needs real concern. Well other than a sorry to your dd.