Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 22 year old daughter should let me know if she is not coming home?

253 replies

Pollywollydolly · 11/11/2019 02:36

It's 2.30 am. I have work in the morning and I should be in bed. Instead I am phoning and texting my 22 year old daughter as I have no idea where she is. I should add it's not unusual for her not to tell me she's staying out, but she has recently split from her long-term boyfriend and her best friend is asleep upstairs.

Last thing I heard from her was a drunken phone conversation about four hours ago when she told me that her best friend was going to pick her up soon. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been out. I offered to pick her up but she didn't want me to.

I have a busy job and I'm going to be shattered in the morning. Every time she does this I wonder if this will be the time she doesn't turn up tomorrow. I've just broken my own rule and left her a furious answer phone message.

I've explained to her time after time that I just need to know she's safe. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SirChing · 13/11/2019 18:59

Also, those whose adult kids go out, think they will be back around 3am ish, pull someone and have mad passionate sex, that they have no idea when they will be done with - you seriously expect them to pause in between shags to text their mum? How absolutely ludicrous.

Privacy involves not having to highlight things that you don't want someone to know. That includes that you have spent the night with someone. Why should an adult child have to lie about their whereabouts in order to prevent their parents having an inkling they are shagging someone?

Everyone coped before mobiles and texts. And even before landlines. Just because people are more contactable these days doesn't mean that they HAVE to be. You are being vvvvv unreasonable

Ambridgedweller · 13/11/2019 19:09

She is 22yrs old and an adult, free to make her own choices. However, living under your roof means the decent thing would be a quick text to say she won't be home. Give and take really I think.

Bluesheep8 · 13/11/2019 19:22

When I moved back home for a while at that age (post university) and did that, I could never understand why my parents got so upset about it - they hadn't known where I was and what time I came home for 3 years.. but I do remember Mum saying it was common courtesy to let people know, even as a house guest. So I think you have every right to be pissed off op

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 13/11/2019 20:06

What could possibly going on at 2AM anyhow?

Well most bars and clubs are still open then. Hell, even back in the 80s when I was young clubs were open until 2am.

ffswhatnext · 13/11/2019 20:19

What could possibly going on at 2AM anyhow?

Still the in the club.
Coming out of the cinema
Walking around the supermaket
Having a spa session
Fucking in the back of a car, or well anywhere
At a mates.
Home asleep

So many things to do at 2am.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 14/11/2019 05:53

She should definetly let you know.
Your house your rules. No matter the age.

Bluesheep8 · 14/11/2019 06:05

shootur put it far more succinctly than me

Lweji · 14/11/2019 06:36

Imagine having friends to stay and insisting they ring you to let you know what time they return from day trip/night out, leaving an angry message because you haven't seen them in their room when you woke up at 2 am, then telling then my house my rules. Grin

Then complain about your relationship with your adult children.

Valcat · 14/11/2019 08:27

Any adult who demands certain behaviour from another adult, to ease their own anxiety, is being controlling and selfish.

Disagree. My grandma is not a selfish or controlling woman. When I leave her house to go back home, she asks me to let her know when I get back. There have been a few times when I forgot and I would get "??" texts from my granddad or a phone call to check. Do I get mad? No, I find it sweet, they worry about me. Absolutely not selfish. Whether she is genuinely anxious or not, if me texting makes her feel better I will do it, I owe her for all she has done for me over the years, and if she dropped dead I'm pretty sure I'd regret not bothering to let her know these things.

Lweji · 14/11/2019 08:45

Does your grandmother send you furious messages? No. So, she's not controlling, just seeks reassurance. The OP, otoh...

BertrandRussell · 14/11/2019 08:49

I think it depends what you say before you go out. “See you at 10.30” then of course you let anyone at home know if you change your mind and stay out til 4. “Not sure when I’ll be back” then no need. I have an 18 year old at home- he works 3 nights a week. Sometimes he comes home- sometimes he stays at his friends. So I see him when I see him. Other nights he lets me know. Last night I was out and at the last minute got a lift so my car was outside. I texted him so if he got home before me wasn’t wondering where I was when he saw the car outside and the house empty. It’s just nice not to cause other people any worry if you can avoid it..

Mothership4two · 14/11/2019 08:54

imagine having friends to stay and insisting they ring you to let you know what time they return from day trip/night out, leaving an angry message because you haven't seen them in their room when you woke up at 2 am, then telling then my house my rules

Err yes, if I had friends staying who went on a night out, let me know they were getting a lift back soon and four hours later they hadn't turned up and it was 2.30 am, I would definitely be ringing them to find out if they were OK. And if they were OK but just decided to stay out a bit later, I would be annoyed. It was an angry text probably because OP was worried about her daughter and her dd had done this before.

Parents do find it difficult to sleep when their kids are out late (whatever age they are) and worry because they love them, not because they want to control them.

Do some posters not have kids? Or not have older kids?

Babysharkisanearworm · 14/11/2019 09:02

To my mind, the.minute she walked back into your home, she needed to change the rules in favour of consideration. When you live elsewhere you can do your own thing but living at home comes with extra responsibility and one of those things is letting your mum know you are ok.

Lweji · 14/11/2019 09:19

People are missing that when the OP saw the bf at home sleeping, her DD probably was in the house already.
The OP missed it because she had probably been asleep or distracted.
She didn't send a concerned message. She sent a furious message.

But the problem with control starts from the premiss that the DD must tell her mum where she is and when she's coming home to start with. It's the need to know that's the issue, when it doesn't contribute to keep her DD safe at all.

Mothership4two · 14/11/2019 09:59

Beside the point that DD was at home - OP didnt know that when she texted her. Angry text because she was tired, it was 2.30 am and the last she had heard her dd was drunk and getting a lift, but that was 4 hours earlier. I'm sure OP doesnt want to know where DD was to control her, more to know that she's safe.

Sure OP feels a bit silly now she know she was there all the time!

Anotherlongdrive · 14/11/2019 10:27

The point definitely is that the dd was at home.

OP got up, got annoyed, left angry messages, creates a thread got angry for a bit longer.

Then actually went and checked the bedroom. Rather than checking first or assuming she wasnt home.

OP didnt say in her post that she wanted dd to wake her up when she got in. She wanted her to text if she was staying out.

She didnt stay out.

Anotherlongdrive · 14/11/2019 10:29

Posted to soon.

It shows op would rather rage, create a fuss and assume her dd has done something....when she hasnt.

That is quite poor behaviour.

ffswhatnext · 14/11/2019 10:52

I'm sure OP doesnt want to know where DD was to control her, more to know that she's safe.

So if you were worried you would just be phoning/text her. Not talk to the person who was supposed to give her a lift?
Maybe check her room? (First thing police ask btw when you report them missing).
Contact any of their mates.
See if there's anything unusual in the person room - missing clothes etc.

That's concern. Remember there were potentially two people missing.

Constantly calling, texting and leaving an angry voicemail. The actions of someone who is pissed off for being defied.

If the DD posted what the op has, but about an ex-boyfriend. She would be told ignore, block and delete.

Nothing wrong with caring about a person.

Mothership4two · 14/11/2019 10:55

OP wouldn't have checked because she obviously thought she would have heard her coming in. Yes it was quite poor behaviour but we not always that rational when we are worried ("I wonder if this will be the time she doesn't turn up tomorrow") and overtired.

Anotherlongdrive · 14/11/2019 11:43

Rational when worried?

So you think its normal to go 'didnt here dd come back......right panic stations'

If you cant do a basic check when you thi j someone is missing, like checking the other rooms, then something is very very very wrong.

Why would the OP assume she would have definitely heard her? And jump straight to 'dd is wrong'?

That's not normal.

ffswhatnext · 14/11/2019 11:52

But what about checking on the person who is giving a lift?

If op had done any of those things - text the driver, whatever, that would have shown concern.

It was a how dare she defy me. She was supposed to be home by X and not. The dd has form for not letting the op know her plans. Then, of course, the furious voicemail. Not only was the dd not doing as told, but now she's not even answering. How dare she.

Red flags everywhere.

Nedaro · 14/11/2019 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mothership4two · 14/11/2019 11:56

She was tired and flustered and made a mistake. Give her a break. Hardly going to get worst mum of the year award!

Lweji · 14/11/2019 13:09

She was tired and flustered and made a mistake. Give her a break.

Like she did her DD? Wink

NotAClue101 · 14/11/2019 13:11

When I lived at home mum always asked to let her know if not coming home. Yes she is an adult, but is living under your roof, so your rules!
And kids remain your babies no matter what their age, so will always worry about them.
It's a little curtesy to just let you know.