To think my 22 year old daughter should let me know if she is not coming home?

[Pollywollydolly]

It's 2.30 am. I have work in the morning and I should be in bed. Instead I am phoning and texting my 22 year old daughter as I have no idea where she is. I should add it's not unusual for her not to tell me she's staying out, but she has recently split from her long-term boyfriend and her best friend is asleep upstairs.

Last thing I heard from her was a drunken phone conversation about four hours ago when she told me that her best friend was going to pick her up soon. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been out. I offered to pick her up but she didn't want me to.

I have a busy job and I'm going to be shattered in the morning. Every time she does this I wonder if this will be the time she doesn't turn up tomorrow. I've just broken my own rule and left her a furious answer phone message.

I've explained to her time after time that I just need to know she's safe. Am I being unreasonable?

YANBU. It is courtesy to let people know a: if you’re coming home and b: an approximate time. If plans change a quick phone call or text is simply good manners.

As others have said, if your daughter wants to come and go as she pleases then she should move out and get her own place.

I absolutely disagree that because she’s 22 she can come and go as she pleases. Put it like this; my husband is a man of a ‘certain age’ but I’d be pretty hacked off if he went out at night and didn’t say what time he’d be home. Surely it’s reasonable to expect the same consideration from a daughter?

God! The disgraceful manners some young people have!

I definitely don’t think YBU. I have a 25 year old daughter still living at home and I have the same problem. In my eyes, while they still live under your roof they should show respect and at least let you know whether they are coming home or not so that you can lock up and go to bed without worrying. It’s just about being respectful imo.

When I was young we didn't have a phone. Sometimes I didn't come home all weekend and my mum had no idea where I was or what I was doing. With mine I never used to stay awake to see if they came home. I'd have worried if they weren't there in the morning but that's it.

Bloody hell, my 14 year old goes home from school on his own and I don't check all the time if he's home already.
I can't imagine chasing him to know where he is as a 22 year old just so that I would know, and not for practical reasons.

I do think we got too controlling with the need to keep in contact with people all the time.

I'm wondering how many of the posters telling you she's an adult and you should go to bed and forget about it, have children much younger.
If so, let me tell you, you don't stop loving them (and worrying about them) just because they're older. It's easier when they're little and you know where they are at night.

YANBU - My Mum & Dad always had the rule that if you live in their house you respect them enough to let them know if you were staying out otherwise what time you would be home.

It is your house and you worry about your child. I know people are saying that she is an adult and could be living elsewhere, but she’s not so it means you can’t help but worry.

My husband is an adult and I won’t go to sleep until I know he is home from a late shift at work.

I’d tell her to start informing you of her whereabouts or if she wants to live that way then she can’t do it in your house, simple as that!

You’re not being unreasonable at all. I’m a granny now, but while my children lived with us, no matter how old, I never slept until they were in. In fact, it was often easier to just pick them up, even at 4 in the morning. You won’t worry the same when they don’t live with you, because you won’t know what they’re doing. It’s just good manners anyway, and I never liked the door being unlocked from the inside when we went to bed. We had to leave it like this so they could open it from the outside. I miss my children dreadfully, even though I have grandchildren, but I don’t miss this aspect at all. Hope everything was ok.

Imo it is a basic courtesy between one adult and another to inform if you are staying out or going to be home very late. When my adult daughter lived at home I expected her to let me know these things so I didn't imagine her dead in a ditch somewhere. I afforded her the same courtesy on rare occasions when I and her dad were out with friends and decided to go back to friends for a drink and it was getting later than usual. It is not about control, it is about mutual consideration.

@ooooohbetty
Really?

My dd has to text by 11 if she isn't coming home (so I lock up and turn the porch light off) and has to text (any time) if she comes in after I'm in bed and has brought someone home. Equally I have to do the same for her

It is a case of respect. If she lives in your house then she should extend the courtesy of letting you know she's coming home or not! When I lived at home with my Mom I let her know 99% of the time so she didn't fret.

YANBU. It's very inconsiderate not to let you know, esp. if she's aware that worry will keep you awake.

And it's all very well for pps to say the OP has no business worrying, her dd is an adult, etc. - but some people can't help worrying. I do wonder how many of those pps have young adult dcs living at home, who regularly come home very late.

When living at home in their early 20s our dds would always let us know if they weren't coming home.

She is an adult, she has her own life, you are the problem, treating her like a child.

Yes, it would be a good idea so you can lock up the house securely before bedtime.

When my son goes out with friends, they often go to somebody's house and he doesn't get home till 4/5 o'clock. What difference would a text saying he'll be back about 5ish be? A text at 1 or 2 will wake me. but I'm not going to stay awake to check and won't know he's not back until I get up and see his bedroom door is not closed.
If he ends up in a ditch on his way home I won't know until a few hours later anyway.
If he's likely to be staying at a mate's he will usually have let me know earlier.

A question for "yanbu" pps and OP.

If your children tell you that they'll be in by 4am, does that mean you'll go to bed and not worry? They can still not come home by that time.
What's the difference to them not saying what time they'll be in?

I mean. It's just nice manners to let you know really but she doesn't have to. When I was 22 I was married in my own place with a 2 year old. So naturally my mother didn't and doesn't know where I am every night because I am an adult and a mother myself.

Well however much anyone tells you she's an adult/go to bed/stop mollycoddling etc all of which you already know you won't be able to stop worrying because you are her mum!!

The point is, she is being selfish and unkind because she knows that you will worry; as an adult she should be perfectly capable of texting you and also one would expect that she would not want her mum to go through this fear!!

Ask her how the two of you can find a solution that works for both of you...during a calm , listening and hearing each other sort of conversation

To be honest when I moved back home age 30 for a year between houses my mum needed to know if I was in or out and staying out and what time I would be home. It was frustrating as I’d lived on my own and then with my ex husband for 12 years so wasn’t used to having to report to her. Even as an adult in my 40s she often asks me to to text when I’m home if she knows I’m going out late.

As she’s living under your roof their has to be an element of courtesy. Yes she’s an adult and can do her own thing re going out etc but if she came home to find the dead bolt across and couldn’t get in the house she would be upset.

The solution is, you know she's out, not kidnapped or in hospital after leaving work/uni and you go to bed.

My grandma is 94 and my mum is 65. If my mum goes to stay, my grandma can't sleep until she's in. She always says she likes to know all her chickens are in the nest. Obviously she doesn't worry about my mum every night but there's something different about it when they're in your house

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords

I agree.

I really don't need to know. Our children are staying longer in the family home- property is so expensive, so options are a lot more limited nowadays. I left home at 18, my sister at 19, OH at 16. We had freedom and didn't have to report back to mummy because night out plans had changed.

I want my young adult children to feel similar freedoms.

I trust them to take care. I really don't see how a text at 1am will change things.
Going to sleep is the best solution.

If she is living at home then out of courtesy and respect for you she should let you know she is not coming home, the thing you must avoid ( hard to do I know) is giving her the third degree, just say thanks fir letting you know and wish her a good time, (and be careful) with a blown kiss.

Normally I would say go to bed but as she said she was being picked up by a friend who clearly did not pick her up, and she’s drunk, I would worry too.
It’s different when they are at uni, as soon as mine are home in the holidays then I expect a call again.

Normally I would say go to bed but as she said she was being picked up by a friend who clearly did not pick her up, and she’s drunk, I would worry too.

Except the friend did pick her up.