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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strange behaviour from OH who has been unfaithful before. AIBU?

385 replies

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 13:31

Currently trying to work past my OH cheating on me last year. We have two very young children. I know what the general census will be but I did not at that time want to be a single parent.

The woman he cheated with lives on the same road as the company he worked for. I couldn't relax for wondering whether he was seeing her on his lunch breaks etc.

He finally left that place 5 weeks ago and has just got a new job somewhere else, nowhere near the OW. He claims there has been no contact. I don't check his phone so I only have his word for that.

Today out of the blue he comes out with "oh I think I'll pop to the shops and get babymilk etc"

No problem, all normal

He spent ages digging in the cupboard under the stairs and emerges with a bag of unwashed work uniform from his old place of employment and says he's taking them back to the company.

At no point has the company asked him to return old uniform. I used to work for the same company and they've never asked me for anything of the sort.

He confirms they haven't actually asked him to bring back the uniform.

AIBU to say this is dodgy?

He doesn't think so, and has gone in a mood at my suggestion that it's unusual.

He puts the bag back and says he won't bother then, and leaves in a mood.

WIBU to think this was odd?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 13:36

Well you said you knew what people's opinions would be...

It doesn't really matter if it was odd or not.

The issue is that this is your new normal.

You live with a cheat. You know what he's prepared to do to you, and your children.

Trust is gone - what do you expect? (not meant to sound harsh, just saying it's kind of stating the obvious really).

If you haven't checked his phone, I would probably ask him out of the blue to do so. If he refuses or delays in handing it over - well you know what that means.

Also, leaves in a mood -? Really?!

And on what planet does he have the right to be in a mood about the partner he cheated on not believing a word that comes out of his lying mouth? How about he says 'sorry, I totally understand how that must look' and sits the fuck back down instead?

One thing which won't at all help this process - if you do want to soldier on with it - is him thinking he gets to be moody about ANY aspect of this. He caused it. He made his bed and now he is fucking lying in it!

SprinkleDash · 20/10/2019 13:38

If you choose to stay with someone who has cheated you’re going to spend the rest of your life wondering ‘what if’!! This is your new normal. Either accept it or do what you should have done in the first place and LTB!

Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 13:39

He's just sent me a text saying it's very unfair that I would throw an assumption at him like that.

See, if he hadn't done what he did I wouldn't question him on anything. I never did before.

He's oblivious (or gaslighting) about the fact that putting himself in her proximity for no reason whatsoever is strange.

It's like me deciding one day out of the blue I'll take back an old uniform that nobody has ever asked for. It's pointless and unnecessary.
Surely after what he did, if he was committed to making amends, he wouldn't be

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 13:40

Sorry I dodged your actual question. Yes it's slightly odd. It's more likely that he's got ants in his pants, five weeks on, about what's going on at his old work and wants to check in. And maybe to walk past her house and nose past the window...

Or maybe he's meeting her, for reasons ranging from absolutely awful to just bad.

You'll never know.

Swinningforza · 20/10/2019 13:41

Unfortunately you live with someone who has cheated on you. I'd say your reaction was logical in light of this. Whether you continue to live like this is your call.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 13:42

He's just sent me a text saying it's very unfair that I would throw an assumption at him like that.

Text back:

'No, it's entirely fair and utterly understandable. This is the new normal. I don't trust you because you lied and cheated, so now when you come out with something I don't think stacks up, I'm going to question it. Common sense I'm afraid. Why, do you think you deserve to be trusted, and for your word to be good enough? If so, could you explain why?'

Jacksback · 20/10/2019 13:50

What fizzy green said

He’s a cheeky bastard , throwing a strop , he should be understanding that you are questioning him

But tbh trust your gut , start watching his behaviour and as it’s said on here
Get ur ducks in a row

Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 14:00

He's ranting away over text now painting me as the bad one.

Saying his business is nothing to do with me.

I stayed because my MH was crushed and I didn't feel I was able to do it on my own.

I wish I tried.

OP posts:
OpportunityKnocks · 20/10/2019 14:05

You can still ditch him? There's no rule that says too much time has passed...

bluebeck · 20/10/2019 14:13

If you choose to stay with someone who has cheated you’re going to spend the rest of your life wondering ‘what if’!! This is your new normal. Either accept it or do what you should have done in the first place and LTB!

This.

cocomelon23 · 20/10/2019 14:14

I couldn't live like that op. Can you? Really?

Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 14:17

No I can't, I'm in tears and full of anxiety at the moment. I've responded telling him he can do what he likes because I'm going to pool my resources into myself and the DC, start making steps to move out and then what he does won't be my problem.

OP posts:
ToPlanZ · 20/10/2019 14:20

Hes gas lighting you so that you don't feel like you can question him and there he has more freedom to do it again.

If he wasn't up to something and it was innocent, he wouldn't be getting so worked up. He would look at it from your point of view if he really wanted to make this work, he'd feel guilty about his last indiscretion. Hes angry because you've scuppered his plans.

TheMustressMhor · 20/10/2019 14:20

I stayed because my MH was crushed and I didn't feel I was able to do it on my own.

Oh, OP.

You're never going to be able to trust him now. In fact, you don't. It's sad and he is now texting you/ranting at you, when he is the one who should be doing everything in his power to make you feel more secure.

There is nothing to stop you from getting organised and making plans to split up.

Why waste your time with a cheat who isn't even trying to make you feel happy and may actively be seeking out the OW again?

I would ask to look at his phone and go from there. His reaction when you do ask will tell you everything you need to know.

The fact that you stayed before is not a reason to continue with this relationship. I think you know that, deep down, and that you want to end it.

Be brave. Put an end to this misery and let him have his freedom to mess about with whichever women he chooses. But don't let it impact you any longer.

ToPlanZ · 20/10/2019 14:21

It's going to destroy you trying to live like this. You're doing the right thing to try on your own.

Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 14:21

Yes that's what it is, he's angry that I've scuppered his plans.

Him saying his business is nothing to do with me is his way of saying he will be doing what he wants regardless next time I question him.

OP posts:
hormonesorDHbeingadick · 20/10/2019 14:21

Staying with a cheater will make your anxiety worse. You’re never going to be able to relax.

Northernsoullover · 20/10/2019 14:21

Its really hard when you first start of as a lone parent but no matter how tough it is it still feels a damn sight better than the torment you are going through now. I've been through it and I do not regret finally ending it.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 14:22

Just ignore the scumbag from now on and make your plans to go.

There will be help on here!

theWarOnPeace · 20/10/2019 14:23

Sounds like you’re the only one actually working through things.

FWIW I don’t believe for one minute that on a random weekend day, that the idea to take back dirty old uniform was anything other than a ruse to go back near where this woman lives.

Whether he was intending to see her or not though, it’s irrelevant. What’s relevant is that after disrespecting you the first time, he is prolonging the humiliation by gaslighting you and blaming you.

All in all, he’s a bastard.

Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 14:24

The way he has gone on over text, painting me as the bad guy, says to me that he's checking out. He's rewriting history so he can do what he wants and feel as least guilt as possible.

I'm quite clued up about manipulative behaviour, my self esteem and poor MH are the reasons I've allowed it to get this far.

He has basically crippled me mentally.

I don't have family I can stay with and very little money so leaving is going to take a little bit of time, but I've made a promise to myself that it must be a priority now.

OP posts:
DartmoorChef · 20/10/2019 14:24

Tell him to pack the rest of his clothes and crack on...

doublebarrellednurse · 20/10/2019 14:25

Look, I stayed with a cheat, my husband had a 6 month affair with a work colleague. They both cheated. So I can give a little bit of a different perspective.

What he's doing, at this stage of your "recovery" from his infidelity is completely unacceptable and he clearly hasn't done the work on himself to realise that.

You're a year down the line. He needs to be better than this.

Thanks
LadyAllegraImelda · 20/10/2019 14:27

Flowers be strong, you know what you have to do, if you don't do it now you are just putting off the inevitable. You deserve more than this, the thought of being s single parent is much worse than it is IMO xx

Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 14:27

As pathetic as this sounds, I've worried I wouldn't be able to manage on my own and would end up losing the children. He does a good share of parenting and I can't fault him for that, but what good is that if I'm living in a constant state of anxiety.

He's home now. I'm sat in the bedroom and can hear him in the next room, sounds like he's sniffling (been crying)

What sort of manipulative BS is that. He's not crying for me that's for sure.

OP posts: