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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Strange behaviour from OH who has been unfaithful before. AIBU?

385 replies

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 13:31

Currently trying to work past my OH cheating on me last year. We have two very young children. I know what the general census will be but I did not at that time want to be a single parent.

The woman he cheated with lives on the same road as the company he worked for. I couldn't relax for wondering whether he was seeing her on his lunch breaks etc.

He finally left that place 5 weeks ago and has just got a new job somewhere else, nowhere near the OW. He claims there has been no contact. I don't check his phone so I only have his word for that.

Today out of the blue he comes out with "oh I think I'll pop to the shops and get babymilk etc"

No problem, all normal

He spent ages digging in the cupboard under the stairs and emerges with a bag of unwashed work uniform from his old place of employment and says he's taking them back to the company.

At no point has the company asked him to return old uniform. I used to work for the same company and they've never asked me for anything of the sort.

He confirms they haven't actually asked him to bring back the uniform.

AIBU to say this is dodgy?

He doesn't think so, and has gone in a mood at my suggestion that it's unusual.

He puts the bag back and says he won't bother then, and leaves in a mood.

WIBU to think this was odd?

OP posts:
CherryChapst1ck · 20/10/2019 17:01

I wouldn't engage with him now. Don't tell him your plans. Just cut him off for the moment and think what you'd like to do and what's going to be best for you.

Honestly - don't engage with him. Take back the power

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 17:05

It's infuriating beyond measure how men like this can almost convince themselves that you're the bad one.

Why do they have to be so disingenuous on top of being a bloody cheat.

I would respect him more if he said 'look I'm leaving you, I don't love you anymore'

But to make me look like a monster and further chipping away at my already fragile MH, just so he can rid himself of a degree of guilt, is unforgivable.

Dirty, cowardice man-child.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 20/10/2019 17:20

3ll3nor

Can I just suggest are you getting treated for your PND? I've had past experence of that its bloody difficult i didn't have it but my wife at the time did and it was very hard with that alone so trust your under treatment for that?

I would have suggested at one point getting a self contained GPS vehicle tracker and leaving it in his car least you'd know for certain where he had been. Bit underhand i know but sometimes justified!.

Leave the OW alone, please have some dignity rise above that yes probally bloody impossible but don't lower yourself!

Sorry to say that as your unmarried you don't get much help from the courts, but it would be wise to see a solicitir some give you the first hour a bit cheaper or your local CAB for practical advice.

But at the ment overall your health matters and that of the children take any help that you can get from friends and of course your mum.

Please be brave and strong, you have done no wrong!!

Justaboy · 20/10/2019 17:23

As regards to your landlord I'm one of they and I had a tenant who was in your position I am very pleased to say she mamaged the rent being a single mum and was a very good tenant, Most tenats as long as the rent is paid the place isnt trashed and a no ones causing a nusiance will be OK with you as a single mum!

Newcatmum · 20/10/2019 17:28

I feel anxious just reading this it's exactly the kind of stunts my ex used to pull. Unfortunately I wasn't as strong as you and gave him multiple (many many many) chances and took him back every time. An embarrassing amount of chances - I honestly couldn't tell you now many. Thankfully I'm out of it now although he does still try and mess with my head and is still a total cunt.

You sound really strong and getting rid of him will be a massive weight off your shoulders when that horrible anxious feeling about what he's up to leaves you.
I was constanly a nervous wreck whenever he left the house even if it was just to the shop and if I was ever going out I would always make sure to leave at least one of the children with him or lock the doors so he couldn't do a runner while I was gone (this also happened several times, God what a mug I was Blush).

Sorry not trying to make this all about me I feel angry for you. Like you say it's the whole rewriting history and expecting you to be stupid enough to fall for his pathetic lies.

Keep strong you already sound like you're taking all the right steps.

TidyDancer · 20/10/2019 17:39

So sorry to hear what's happening OP. Sadly I do believe that in the majority of cases, it's once a cheater always a cheater. Currently trying to support a friend in a similar position. Thinking of you.

Kaddm · 20/10/2019 17:41

The telling thing is his reaction.

Logically, if he was cheating near his old work, it's reasonable to assume that him going back there is to cheat. If he was remorseful, he would aceept that and agree that's what it looks like and then try to reassure you that a) he was sorry and b) that isn't the case.

Instead he's tried to make you feel as though you are neurotic. Wrong reaction from an innocent man.

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 17:51

Just received a text from him saying "yes"

"Yes" to what, I've no idea.

Yes I've left and have no plans to return, or Yes I was planning on coming back.

Which one is anyone's guess.

Being deliberately illusive to intensify my anxiety no doubt. He must be oh so busy to have only a nano second to tap out a three letter response and wants me to know as much.

OP posts:
Babyfg · 20/10/2019 17:59

Omg do you think he's actually just walked out and left for good? Like what? Did you feel any build up to him leaving or is it just out of the blue (I know there was the cheating but nothing recent?). If he has just gone, what an absolutely awful person he is. You sound so strong and practical. Omg honestly I'm in shock for you, who does something like this?

alliwantisagoodnightssleep · 20/10/2019 18:02

Do you have a joint bank account? If so you need to move as much as you can into an account he does not have access to.

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 18:05

I'm starting to think he has walked out, premeditated, with the intention of not coming back - yep.

A few signs leading up if I'm honest with myself, like him being extra quiet and looking deep in thought / sheepish alot of the time. A couple of occasions where he's been out for 6 or 7 hours with a vague explanation.

I've never known a more cowardly man in all of my life.

OP posts:
Patienceisvirtuous · 20/10/2019 18:06

This is utterly crap OP. You’re stronger than you think though.

You’ve gotten some good advice here. You and your little ones will be better off long-term without him.

Your DM sounds great. And we are all here to hold your hand x

willowmelangell · 20/10/2019 18:06

He is replying to your last text. Agreeing with what you text.
He wont be back.
All your instincts so far have been spot on.

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 18:08

No joint bank account unfortunately.

I have the children's money in mine and a small amount I've been saving for Christmas which he doesn't have access to.

I don't think he has any intention of leaving me with any of 'his' money.

Rent due on the 11th Nov. No mention of how that is being paid.

Still no elaborating on his "yes" text.

Horrible man

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 20/10/2019 18:10

If he pulls the "you are a monster" lines, then ask why the hell he has left his children with such a "monster". It shows the kind of man he is if he really thinks you are that bad.

He cant have it both ways.

Blueoasis · 20/10/2019 18:17

What an asshole he is. You sound very strong though, you'll pull through this. He will always be an asshole. His ow hasn't won here, she's got a coward of a man. More fool her.

notapizzaeater · 20/10/2019 18:18

He knows he's making you more anxious, what a prize dick

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 18:22

I haven't been able to eat a thing all day, I'm running on adrenaline at the moment and feel awful.

I couldn't hate him more than I do now if I tried.

OP posts:
NaviSprite · 20/10/2019 18:25

I’ve no extra advice that hasn’t already been covered by PP’s but you sound so strong OP! I wish you all the luck in the world in getting your LL to agree to amending the tenancy.

The man you have described is such a cowardly fucking shit - you and your precious DC deserve so much more x

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/10/2019 18:27

It’ll be a difficult transition but you will be so, so much better off without this despicable piece of shit of a man.

You can do this. Stay strong. Every strong thing you do - and you’ve already started - will make the next act of strength easier.

Your MH will heal without this arsehole fouling up your life.

Toddlersaresuchadelight · 20/10/2019 18:31

He is a vile excuse for a human being.
You are amazing and can 100% handle all of this.
In a short time, you'll look back and realise that this was the day your life truly started. You and your children are going to be just fine. I have no doubts in my mind after reading your posts.
He'll regret this forever. He may not realise what he has now, but one day he will and it will be gone forever because you're off being happy without him.
Sending you virtual hugs.

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 18:31

He has text again saying he will be home.

I don't know how to react to that. I don't want him here tonight. My DM is here and I've told her everything, he won't pass the threshold without her giving him both barrels.

I feel absolutely exhausted beyond measure from all of this and I can't do it anymore. I can't have him thinking he can waltz in after this.

OP posts:
holidays987 · 20/10/2019 18:32

Can you go down to the job centre ( or possibly housing tomorrow), because if you're in an area that issues Universal Credit it will most likely take 5 or 6 weeks to be in your account. By which time rent and bills will be overdue. See if you can get some extra assistance or at least find out how to manage this, if you don't have much in the way of savings. I'd get straight on it. Make your claim now if you can do it online.

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 18:32

Thank you all for the ongoing support, I'm summoning strength from your replies. I have to let this be the last time.

OP posts:
DanielRicciardosSmile · 20/10/2019 18:33

Good luck with the landlord, it sounds positive that you get on well with them.

Is your DM still there? Could she stay with you tonight?

Please try to eat something, you need to keep your strength up for yourself and your children.