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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strange behaviour from OH who has been unfaithful before. AIBU?

385 replies

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 13:31

Currently trying to work past my OH cheating on me last year. We have two very young children. I know what the general census will be but I did not at that time want to be a single parent.

The woman he cheated with lives on the same road as the company he worked for. I couldn't relax for wondering whether he was seeing her on his lunch breaks etc.

He finally left that place 5 weeks ago and has just got a new job somewhere else, nowhere near the OW. He claims there has been no contact. I don't check his phone so I only have his word for that.

Today out of the blue he comes out with "oh I think I'll pop to the shops and get babymilk etc"

No problem, all normal

He spent ages digging in the cupboard under the stairs and emerges with a bag of unwashed work uniform from his old place of employment and says he's taking them back to the company.

At no point has the company asked him to return old uniform. I used to work for the same company and they've never asked me for anything of the sort.

He confirms they haven't actually asked him to bring back the uniform.

AIBU to say this is dodgy?

He doesn't think so, and has gone in a mood at my suggestion that it's unusual.

He puts the bag back and says he won't bother then, and leaves in a mood.

WIBU to think this was odd?

OP posts:
Longlongsummer · 20/10/2019 15:50

Yes of course you will be feeling paranoid if he’s going to his old work address.

If he understood, and reassured you, that would be good.

The fact that he doesn’t, means he doesn’t care. Plain doesn’t care.

I know as this was me. Apparently there was a time limit and I had to get over it. He gave me access to his phone and social media, and then accused me, when I checked it, of being controlling and told all his friends. What a head wreck.

I just thought. Yes of course I don’t want to check your phone! I want to be with someone who never broke that trust. It’s demeaning. It’s horrible.

Bottom line OP, you need to look after you and your kids number one. Your DP won’t listen to your pain. You can’t control him. When you are ready, think what your future will look like, then move towards it.

You can’t revolve around whether he makes you feel good or not. Your life has to mean more than that.

Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 15:50

Thank you for looking those details up for me Mary.

I checked with HB and it would cover my rent completely, no top up. I would also get a council tax reduction.

I also got a CSA estimate done.

I checked out these things earlier in the year because I knew this day was coming unfortunately

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 20/10/2019 15:55

I think it's pointless worrying that throwing him out would drive him into her arms. This is about how he's treating you and how honest and caring he's being. Even if he's being faithful now he's not behaving well enough..

Jacksback · 20/10/2019 15:57

Just read the update op
Like you say you knew this day would come but that doesn’t
Make it easier
Talk to your mum , you sound very switched on , and more than a match for the crap he is trying to give you , holds onto your anger and know your worth
Let him go
He’s not worth having anyway

Flowers
Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 16:17

Disconnecting his stupid games console from the tv as I type.

Putting his things in bags.

Channelling what strength I can

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 20/10/2019 16:20

Yes child maintenance is not counted when applying for benefits, I know that much. Re housing benefits, I would look into the legalities of a landlord being able to refuse housing benefit if you’re already a tenant.

I know you’re saying that you’re in bits and falling apart, and obviously you’re very upset, but you sound very smart and very with it to me! I don’t doubt that you can navigate this mess and find a path forward for you and your children. I genuinely believe that by removing one of the key causes of your anxiety, you’ll feel better and more confident in yourself as time goes on.

TryingToBeBold · 20/10/2019 16:23

If your DM is coming round can you not stay with her whilst you get sorted?

Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 16:23

I hate him, I really do.

I think it's utterly despicable that he will be able to emerge from this unscathed whereas I'm left with a minefield of practicalities to sort out, a little baby and a toddler to look after without any hands on support from him - because that's what will happen - I know him too well.

I hope to god I'll be ok. I'm going to do my best.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 16:25

Well done OP.

Please contact the landlord, yes. You can now very truthfully tell him that your ex-P has left and you'll be applying for HB. Do you have anyone who could act as guarantor, just to hopefully swing it a bit more?

Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 16:25

My DM has a tiny one bed flat unfortunately, it wouldn't be at all practical.

My gut instinct is telling me to stay put, tell him to stay gone and appeal to my landlords best nature about housing benefit.

Its going go be hard as fuck staying somewhere we used to share but I won't have my children homeless on his watch.

I think he would happily leave and stay away to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 16:27

Going to ask my DM if she minds staying with me for the night as I'm still in shock at the minute and don't really want to sit alone.

Don't want to spiral and start trying to contact him.

OP posts:
B00kworm86 · 20/10/2019 16:32

I was in your situation, however I didn't take him back after the affair. I was mentally broken and really quite unwell however two years later my life is better than ever. Do it OP x

TheMustressMhor · 20/10/2019 16:32

I hope to god I'll be ok. I'm going to do my best.

You'll be fine. We will support you through this mess as you go forward. You just need to take a deep breath and first of all, contact your landlord.

lynzpynz · 20/10/2019 16:33

At least you know he doesn't need clothes? He's gone with a bag of dirty uniforms he can bum about in for a few days 😂!

It is the truth to say, 'he has walked out, with a bag of clothes and didn't take keys' so it's highly reasonable that you would assume he wasn't coming back and start making plans. Don't see how anyone could dispute your rationale there?

TryingToBeBold · 20/10/2019 16:33

He's left the key.
Lock the door. Call landlord. See if DM will be guarantor.

Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 16:33

Glad things worked out for you eventually b00k. That's what I'm worried about, being so very low when I'm the sole carer of two young babies.

It's hard enough being a lone parent as it is, without throwing poor health and mental illness into the equason.

I'm scared stiff that I'm not going to cope. I don't care about me, but it's the DC I worry about

OP posts:
Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 16:35

I'm wondering if he had spare clothes hidden under the old work uniforms.

I'm also thinking he had this planned, and him going to get baby milk and nappies beforehand was his way of justifying to himself that he hadn't left the children short of what they need before he left them.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 20/10/2019 16:36

Well done, channel the hurt into packing him up

GoosetheCat · 20/10/2019 16:45

You sound like a wonderful mum. Flowers for you. I'm sorry you're going through this OP but just remember you deserve much better than to be treated like this and living a wife of 'what if'. Keep strong.

NearlyGranny · 20/10/2019 16:45

So let's re-cap: cheats, is caught but you stay together; now he acts suspiciously but maintains you are 'unfair' to make assumptions about what's going on?

Right. Has he understood that past behaviour is the most accurate predictor of future behaviour? Does he get that he's actually saying he woukd never do what both of you know he has already done?

Has his logic circuit been removed?

You will be fine without him.

highheelsandbobblehats · 20/10/2019 16:45

Oh lovely. The very tone of his messages shows his complete lack of respect for you, even if he is nowhere near her. He's making you out to be the unreasonable one.

Glad you have found the strength to get him gone. As a PP said, keep talking to us. We'll support you through this.

cacklingmags · 20/10/2019 16:45

Big hug to you OP. You can do this. Kick his nasty arse out of your life. He is making you ill with his lies.

mummyway · 20/10/2019 16:49

I think you already know the answer. That was very odd behaviour and the fact that he got into a mood.....

Original poster
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 16:59

He had it all planned without a doubt.

Me rumbling him before he left scuppered his ability to do it without in-person fallout. It is likely he would have just not come back. Me confronting him with his blatant BS means he had to have a go at justifying his piss poor excuse when what he was hoping for was that I would have I waved him off, blissfully unaware.

He then got the baby formula and nappies so he could reason with himself that he's not that bad because at least he left me stocked up on babies bits.

Then the texts saying what he does is none of my business, trying to rewrite history and make me seem controlling - all further attempts to justify to himself what he has done and is doing.

I have text him, probably shouldn't have, but I said "well as it's apparent you've left your keys and walked out without explanation I assume you have no plans to return. Please don't. I'll be contacting (landlord) and asking for a change of tenancy"

OP posts:
CherryChapst1ck · 20/10/2019 17:00

You're being very strong and you need to continue to be

Text the landlord. Or email. Whatever your usual form of communication is. A word of advice and caution though ... make sure you are factual and clear about what you want. Don't bring emotion into it as that'll likely have the landlord wanting you all out. A simple ' Hi landlord. Due to a break up with TwatFace, I'm just dropping you a line to ask if it's possible for me to take over the tenancy? I'm currently job hunting but there may be an interim period where the rent is fully covered by the council - of course there will be no break in payments. Many thanks'

Stuck to the basic facts as anything else isn't his business and he wouldn't want it to be.

Next a text to your very near future ex. ' please come and collect your clothes etc. I'll pop them outside for you for you to pick up at your convenience. Maybe don't leave it too long as there's a chance of rain'