Strange behaviour from OH who has been unfaithful before. AIBU?

[3ll3nor]

Currently trying to work past my OH cheating on me last year. We have two very young children. I know what the general census will be but I did not at that time want to be a single parent.

The woman he cheated with lives on the same road as the company he worked for. I couldn't relax for wondering whether he was seeing her on his lunch breaks etc.

He finally left that place 5 weeks ago and has just got a new job somewhere else, nowhere near the OW. He claims there has been no contact. I don't check his phone so I only have his word for that.

Today out of the blue he comes out with "oh I think I'll pop to the shops and get babymilk etc"

No problem, all normal

He spent ages digging in the cupboard under the stairs and emerges with a bag of unwashed work uniform from his old place of employment and says he's taking them back to the company.

At no point has the company asked him to return old uniform. I used to work for the same company and they've never asked me for anything of the sort.

He confirms they haven't actually asked him to bring back the uniform.

AIBU to say this is dodgy?

He doesn't think so, and has gone in a mood at my suggestion that it's unusual.

He puts the bag back and says he won't bother then, and leaves in a mood.

WIBU to think this was odd?

I'm sorry, OP.

I agree you need to start making plans to leave. It won't be easy, but it sounds like this would be the best for your mental health ... and to set an example for your children about what a relationship should/shouldn't look like.

You're quite right that he is a horrible, selfish POS to do this to you. I'm so sorry.

My DM is on her way round to keep me company, bless her.

She could do without this at her time of life. I told her not to worry but she insisted.

He has just responded saying "nowhere near her for your information"

Absolute BS because he doesn't have friends he socialises with.

I'm on the verge of telling him not to come back here at all and putting his things outside.

I know that if I do that it'll be pushing her into her arms, but if that's where he would rather be then fuck him.

Has he driven off? Do you have a friend who could drive past the OW's house, to tell you whether he's parked there?

I'd be checking his phone regularly. He has lost your trust and must work to regain this. Which includes being completely open. If he can't do that, then I would kick him out.

He doesn't drive anymore (long story) so I wouldn't be able to suss if he's there that way.

Very tempted to go round there when my DM arrives as she would happily sit at mine with the DC, but slightly reluctant because 1) I'm in no state to and 2) it'll play into the narrative he painted of me being some nutter.

You may not be able to stay with family, but can you move near them, so that they can help with childcare and practicalities, even in the short term?

Ok yes you are vulnerable, but you're more vulnerable staying in this position for longer and longer, becoming more unemployable.

At the end of the day you're renting, there is nothing to be gained in terms of real security by staying anyway.

Things will be tough for a while but longer term you'll be better off- especially if this means you go back into the workplace more quickly.

Would your family be able to help with costs in the interim towards a rental, be guarantor? Oh and before he says it - yes you can move away from him, yes he could try and take you to court to force a move back to his area but it wouldn't get very far if the relationship has split due to infidelity and you've moved near your family for support with a very young baby. If you're going to go - do it without detailing the long term plan, say you're going to spend some time with family and then just stay.

You would be entitled to benefits and if you could find somewhere small which takes DSS and if you could find a guarantor then it could be done.

Wow

I dont know if the behaviour is odd or not.

What is unacceptable, is that he isn't acknowledging that his actions in cheating have caused you to question him. He is naive at best if he thinks you can just go back to normal and you arent going to always be wondering what he is up to. It's not unfair, it's a natural consequence of his actions, and anyone with an ounce of remorse would be feeling awful that their past actions were still making you feel paranoid, not getting grumpy at you and blaming you and expecting you to snap out of it.

I'm guessing he didnt accept much blame for the affair either- it was either her fault for coming on to him or yours for not giving her enough attention?

"Like i said no need to worry about what I'm doing so you dont need to stress or get anxious" he says.

Its a bit late for that isn't it.

No don't go and see her. What's the point? Surely she's welcome to the piece of dog crap now.

Spend your energies on YOU and your children. Your mum sounds supportive. Let her be there for you, tell her everything and ask if she will help you. Forget about him.

That knot in your stomach will only stay for as long as you let yourself believe that he is a person worth having in your life. He isn't, at all. Turn to the people who love you and focus on your babies, and start thinking about a new future.

Just don't reply.

No, there is no need for you to 'stress' - because he's no longer a person you give a shit about, yes?

Let him do what he likes. It doesn't matter any more, the only thing which is important is the next step for you. Thankfully no longer with a nasty cheat dragging you down.

I'm not going to respond. I'm trying to compose myself and think clearly as to what my next step will be.

Contemplating pre emptively contacting my landlord today, however he's on holiday and I'm not sure whether it would be best waiting until he's back.

As it stands 'D'P is the one who pays the rent.

No idea if he plans to return later tonight or not.

He is on the defensive because you caught him out. You were right to be suspicious. His returning uniform explanation is not plausible. Just tell him you do not believe him and it is HIS FAULT the trust has gone.

Absolutely. I'm sure I caught him out and his reaction confirms as much.

I'm not as stupid as he would like to believe. I find it quite insulting actually that he would even think for one second that I would buy such a shoddy cover story

Just discovered that he has left his keys so he's probably left with no intention of coming back.

Good riddance to the fucking arsehole. Coward

This is no way to live. His behaviour will have contributed to your PND. He sounds like my DS when he was a teenager, going in silly strops when I caught him doing something he shouldn’t , creating a drama and then waltzing our the house doing what he wanted to do to start with but feeling justified in doing so as I made him! The issue here isn’t the OW the issue is your DP who doesn’t care and has shown you who he is. Your have 2 DC that need you to be strong

If he does come back, can you look at his phone?

I hold him fully accountable for my PND, not sure if that's totally fair but it's certainly how I feel.

I don't think I've got any chance of being able to check his phone if he comes back, he's glued to it and never leaves it lying around.

I'm not even sure I could bring myself to look if I was able to, because my gut tells me what I would see.

Just discovered that he has left his keys so he's probably left with no intention of coming back.

OP - it's time to pre-empt things with the landlord, I think. Find out where you stand and if he will accept Housing Benefit from you.

Honestly, if he's gone not intending to return, that's the best possible outcome for you.

Pack up his stuff.

If you are already living there can the landlord actually refuse housing benefit?

Take back the control here OP. Decide now what you want to do, stay and work on things or leave him - do not wait for him - and by wait I mean wait for a reply, wait for him to come home, wait to find out Where's he's gone, wait for him to value you. Try to see yourself through the eyes of your DC, to them you are an unstoppable superwoman. Teach them what a strong mamma looks like and whatever your decision, its on your terms not his.

Not sure if the landlord can legally reject housing benefit given that I already live here.

He's a nice man to be fair, I don't think he would turf me out.

I suspect he would bend his 'rule' about HB on the basis I've been a good tenant for 2 years and have young children.

I’d check entitled to website. Put all your details as a single parent.
You will get housing benefit but it may need topping up.
If ex moves out as it’s in joint names landlord can ask you to leave too.
He will need to pay maintanance too. He will need to pay you more if he doesn’t have them overnight.
Maintainace is extra on top of benefits I think.
You will be entitled to tax credits.

Get hold of any financials re him - his wage slip, bank accounts details.
Look at Child maintainace website to see how much he’d have to pay.
You will be happier alone. He’s not sorry, he’s not reassuring you and he’s making you anxious.
Could you have a casual chat with landlord, say your not getting on and if ex moved out could you stay?
Keep posting.

His timing couldn't be worse, I almost lost my life to sepsis after having our daughter this year and I'm still not completely back to normal. "She will need a lot of support" he was told. Wonderful support this hey.

He really is a cruel nasty piece of work.