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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Strange behaviour from OH who has been unfaithful before. AIBU?

385 replies

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 13:31

Currently trying to work past my OH cheating on me last year. We have two very young children. I know what the general census will be but I did not at that time want to be a single parent.

The woman he cheated with lives on the same road as the company he worked for. I couldn't relax for wondering whether he was seeing her on his lunch breaks etc.

He finally left that place 5 weeks ago and has just got a new job somewhere else, nowhere near the OW. He claims there has been no contact. I don't check his phone so I only have his word for that.

Today out of the blue he comes out with "oh I think I'll pop to the shops and get babymilk etc"

No problem, all normal

He spent ages digging in the cupboard under the stairs and emerges with a bag of unwashed work uniform from his old place of employment and says he's taking them back to the company.

At no point has the company asked him to return old uniform. I used to work for the same company and they've never asked me for anything of the sort.

He confirms they haven't actually asked him to bring back the uniform.

AIBU to say this is dodgy?

He doesn't think so, and has gone in a mood at my suggestion that it's unusual.

He puts the bag back and says he won't bother then, and leaves in a mood.

WIBU to think this was odd?

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 20/10/2019 14:27

What’s your housing and financial situation? You might be surprised at what your rights are, and what you’re entitled to. If you don’t mind sharing that here, we might be able to support you with getting practical and moving forward.

theWarOnPeace · 20/10/2019 14:30

When you say he does a good share of the childcare, and you may not be able to cope, you may find that if you separated and he had them for chunks of time/overnights, you’d actually cope really well because you’d have some time to yourself. I know it’s not all roses being a single parent, but the single parents that I know honestly are happy and having lovely balanced lives, with the added bonus of not being treated like shit.

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 14:31

Private rented house, I became a SAHM after the birth of our first (two years old) and we have a 5 month old baby. I regret this move so much but at the time had full confidence in my decision. I've always worked full time until that point. Decision was made due to the cost of childcare.

He works FT and pays the rent.

I'm not entitled to anything like income support whilst I'm with him.

I get CB and CTC which I use to pay for the children, food etc.

I don't have any savings.

Financially I'm very vulnerable Sad

I've been looking for PT work recently, he doesn't know that. I didn't want to mention it until I had an interview.

OP posts:
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 14:33

I don't think he would have them overnight if we split. He works nights and plays sport on the weekend. I'm fairly sure that if we split he would be a Disney dad when it suits him. He's great whilst they're under his roof but I wouldn't get my hopes up about a 50/50 split once I leave.

I'm preparing to have to go it alone completely, bar maintenance which I would claim, but would do nothing to ease the load in terms of looking after them single handedly.

OP posts:
OkayGo · 20/10/2019 14:42

I bet you'd feel wayyy better if you didn't have a cheating horrid man around.

TheMustressMhor · 20/10/2019 14:45

Are you married, OP?

I would concentrate on finding out what benefits I was entitled to.

If you're a single parent with two DC and currently unemployed you would get Universal Credit, which would pay your rent and give you an income.

Once the DC are older you can start thinking again about working.

category12 · 20/10/2019 14:46

You're not married, I take it?

TheMustressMhor · 20/10/2019 14:47

You would also be entitled to maintenance for the DC from him. If you had been married you might be entitled to an allowance for yourself.

TheMustressMhor · 20/10/2019 14:48

You can get advice here

www.womanaid.org.uk

Krazynights34 · 20/10/2019 14:51

How awful he is! I’ve had a similar situation and wish I’d left before I had children. You could be entitled to other benefits (universal credit) on your own. He would have to change his lifestyle habits if you split to see his children. Try not to think too many steps ahead. Think about yourself for once. What would you like to happen once you leave him? Take baby steps first. You will feel empowered I’m sure if you leave this manipulative twat!

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 14:54

We're not married, I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing given the pros and cons for both sides of the coin in this case.

We was going to, then I found out what he did and stopped making plans.

He's not rich so it's not as though it would have been worth my while marrying him just to secure some stability.

I'm absolutely sure I scuppered his plans to go round there today and that's why he got nasty, so it's only a matter of time until he attempts it again. They're probably in touch over the phone.

Have avoided him since he got in as don't want him to see me upset.

I need to compose myself and have a serious discussion with him. Ideally, I need him to financially contribute to me and the kids moving out.

Not many places accept housing benefit where we are and I can't move too far for a few reasons I won't go into as I think I've already outed myself quite a bit Sad

OP posts:
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 14:55

I just want a clean break from all of this hell, today has shown me he's not sorry at all.

Its the first time I've (I suspect) caught him out being dodgy since it happened, but god knows what else he's been saying or doing behind my back.

There's been a few times he's disappeared for 6 - 7 hours with vague explanations.

What a mug I have been

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 20/10/2019 14:56

Can you make him move out?

That would be the best scenario for you and the children.

TheMustressMhor · 20/10/2019 14:58

What a mug I have been

That doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that you've seen how uncommitted he is to you and by extension, to the DC.

Time to make some definite plans now.

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 14:58

He's just gone out again, the bag of uniform has gone too.

I've got a pain in the centre of my chest from how anxious I am Sad

OP posts:
category12 · 20/10/2019 15:01

Aww love Flowers

OK, so you're applying for jobs, which is great.

Is the rental in both your names?

Honeyroar · 20/10/2019 15:02

You've not been a mug. You've been honest and tried. You will always be able to hold your head up. He, on the other hand, was given a chance that most partners in his position wouldn't have been given and he threw it back in your face by not being open and honest. Without him doing that there was no way forward. So he's broken it. Not you. Just repeat that (either to him or in your head) every time he so much as tries to turn it round on you. Make plans, get away from him.

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 15:02

Yes both of our names so I couldn't force him to leave, legally

There is no violence so I can't have any orders put in place or anything.

I feel physically sick right now, I'm sat here trying to come to terms with the fact he's gone there

OP posts:
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 15:04

There's no coming back from this, I can't forgive it for a second time, he's practically being blatant as day so he doesn't even care to shield me from it.

I've got PND which is in part due to all of this crap with him. Not feeling strong at all right now

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 20/10/2019 15:06

Keep talking to us.

It seems unbearable at the moment but you'll get through this.

category12 · 20/10/2019 15:07

How long is the tenancy? Would he agree to you getting your name taken off? If necessary you could give notice. It would be a good idea to chat to Shelter about your housing options - they have an online chat service and will talk you through things. england.shelter.org.uk/

user1486131602 · 20/10/2019 15:08

So that you having to deal with this.

I saw this and thought of you!

Strange behaviour from OH who has been unfaithful before. AIBU?
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 15:13

Thank you for talking to me

I get on well with the landlord so I could ask him to put the tenancy in my name, the problems are that 1) he likes and gets on with DP and 2) he doesn't generally accept housing benefit.

I've text him asking where he's gone but don't expect a reply.

I went and confronted OW to get the full story when I found out last time, so he must have in the back of his head that I'll go there again - except I can't because I have the children.

He had told her I'm everything they usually tell the OW, rewriting history as they do, so no doubt he's demonizing me again.

Sat on the sofa not knowing what to do with myself at the minute.

I've got two babies here who need me to be strong and I can't even pull myself together Sad

OP posts:
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 15:15

Oh taking my name off the tenancy, sorry I read that wrong.

I'm sure he would but the problem is I have nowhere else to go that I can stay with the kids

OP posts:
3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 15:17

He really is a horrible selfish POS doing this again to somebody who has just had a baby

OP posts: