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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is the worst?

191 replies

Clofty · 09/10/2019 16:01

Am crushed today and can’t believe he can be so cruel.

We got married in 2012 always agreed we would have a family and suffered a late miscarriage at 18 weeks in January 2013 and since then have had a long infertility journey. He wasn’t keen on IVF (so we didn’t do it) and dragged his heels during the adoption process so we didn’t end up doing it as his lack of commitment despite what he was said was clear. We finally scraped together enough money (50k) to pursue surrogacy in Eastern Europe but on the day we were supposed to sign the contracts a few months ago he said he wasn’t ready and thought we should go to counselling as he thought our relationship had suffered due to the infertility issues. I was crushed but happy to agree. He didn’t like the counsellor as she didn’t agree with him on most things. One thing we did agree to do was to sell our house and buy a smaller cheaper house to release some cash so things would be less tight financially when we started the surrogacy. We found a buyer and found a seller and yesterday on the day of exchange of contracts he said he had changed his mind. He avoided calls from our solicitor and me to confirm the exchange all day and when I got home he told me he didn’t want children didn’t want to be married and he wanted a divorce. He would appreciate it if I acted with dignity and agreed to the sale however so we could divide up the profits and go our separate ways.

Last weekend we were snuggling and he told me he loved me and everything was fine. How could he treat me this way after everything that I have been through? I have always checked he was happy with everything every step of the way and he has let me down in the most hurtful and humiliating way possible. I am also now 43 so have lost all chance of having a family.

He will also now swan off to his mums who will treat him like a prince leaving me to tell my friends family and work what has happened and to deal with the estate agents, lawyers and bank with regards to the sale and purchase.

Please be nice as I am crumbling here

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2019 20:18

What a vile, spineless creature. Take consolation that as bad as you feel at least you are not him. I pity his poor mother to have spawned him. Please do pass on my insults. Flowers

Vanhi · 09/10/2019 20:33

Years ago OP I split up with someone similarly selfish, spineless and dishonest. I'm not absolutely sure what he told his family but I'd wager a large amount of money that he turned it on me. They had this image of him as this poor beleaguered man, cruelly used by every woman in his life. Funny how this kept happening to him...

You can't do anything about what he's told them though. Just tell your friends the facts. Those will speak for themselves.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 09/10/2019 20:43

What an utter piece of cowardly shite this man is OP. You're right he is the worse. I've heard some things on here (and been through crap myself) but he is right up there with the shittiest of the lot. The cruelty is astounding.

He'd be no role model for a father. But you will be a great mother, so please do not give up on that ambition. Do not let this selfish and cruel man ruin your chances of being a parent. Fight for everything you deserve. So very sorry this has happened to you. Sending you love and hugsFlowers

UrkStarkadder · 09/10/2019 21:13

‘Please behave with dignity’ can be translated as ‘please don’t kick up a fuss or I may have to acknowledge that I’m a cunt of the highest order and my fragile ego can’t take such home truths’.
Fuck that noise. Don’t rush into anything and have take some time to work out what will provide the best outcome for you. And then tell him to please be dignified in his response the fuckweasel

Derbee · 09/10/2019 21:25

@GlitchStitch glad you’ve clarified, as your comment was misleading. I don’t need to fact check myself. But I won’t derail the thread by getting into any discussions with you.

GlitchStitch · 09/10/2019 21:44

There was nothing misleading about my comment that you stated was nonsense. I was posting factual information that is readily available online. But yes, no further discussion is fine by me.

Deadposhtory · 09/10/2019 21:55

Men only leave if another woman is waiting in the wings in my experience. Sorry op

Original poster
Clofty · 09/10/2019 22:58

Yes I do worry about another woman in the wings. Was just saying this to my friend who has poured me a bucket of wine. I reckon she will be young quiet and adoring and will never challenge him.

OP posts:
AllDaySnacker · 09/10/2019 23:42

You poor thing :( you’re right, he is the worst. Selfish, irresponsible prick. He would have been a terrible partner to parent a child with - when the dust settles I hope you can see that and realise that you’ve been spared a lifetime with an unbelievably big arsehole. For now, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Don’t lose sight of your dream, keep moving forward.

Longlongsummer · 10/10/2019 00:07

OP if he does have another woman, if she’s young the likelihood if she will want kids so he go through all this again. He probably doesn’t though.

Just to play devils advocate, he did behave terribly the last few years and incidents, however I do think many people do think that they are okay with a decision e.g. kids but are really quite terrified, and go along hoping it will all just turn out okay. However making such a conscious decision, like ivf, surrogacy could have just been a step too far and I can understand that to an extent. I wouldn’t say it’s worse than abuse imho however the way he wanted divorce and then back speaks volumes.

Aveisenim · 10/10/2019 00:23

W**ker.

SnowsInWater · 10/10/2019 04:09

I hear some pretty horrible break up stories in my line of work and I have to say this must be THE most unbelievably shocking instance of bad behaviour from a narcissistic asshole that I have ever heard of. Nobody is this much of an unfeeling bastard and manages to hide it forever so even though it sure as hell doesn't feel like it now you have probably had a lucky escape. Virtual hugs.

PrettyPurse · 10/10/2019 04:35

declare WAR upon him and destroy him (dont tip him off obvs, just act pathetic but in the background assemble your armour

That's exactly what l did. My XH thought he'd walk all over me during our divorce like he had our marriage. Handed me a separation agreement that was so heavily weighted in his favour and would have left the DC and l homeless.

I acted all pathetic and stalled signing it.... because it had EVER such long words in it that stupid me just couldn't possibly understand (and he believed me as his opinion of me was so low - twat)... until I'd seen my solicitor.

Outcome ...l was awarded the house.

minesagin37 · 10/10/2019 05:24

What was the cause of the infertility? Was it his sperm? It may be that in a new relationship or just fresh sperm from a donor you get pregnant. He's a loser and better to discover it now.

AgentJohnson · 10/10/2019 05:45

The truth is he was always this guy and you wouldn’t accept it and as cruel as his latest gesture has been, in the long run, it will be his kindest as it frees you from him.

I’ve been there (not infertility), constantly accommodating someone who couldn’t give a crap. The constant search for the work around that never fixed the underlying issue which was, we had fundamental compatibility issues. On the surface we wanted the same thing but you didn’t have to go far beyond the surface to realise that wasn’t true.

Actions speak louder than words and for a host of reasons I believed the talk and chose not to see the walk or lack thereof.

You will get through this and you will be stronger than the shell of a woman you were when you were in a relationship with him. Grieve the relationship but part of the recovery will be accepting that he wasn’t all that.

BocolateChiscuits · 10/10/2019 06:12

He's an utter cunt. So cruel.

I heard this podcast ages ago, and this reminded me of it: lauravanderkam.com/2018/12/podcast-becoming-a-single-mom-by-choice/

It's an interview with a UK mum who became a single mum by choice. I remember her talking very realistically about the struggles and the pleasures.

WAGatha · 10/10/2019 06:46

He will keep on doing it, he clearly does not want a child. Time for him to be honest and move out.

Mooey89 · 10/10/2019 06:51

I am so sorry Op.
You are right, he’s an absolute cunt.
Take the time you need to deal with this.
The good thing is that now you are free of his bullshit you can do whatever you like. You are free. You can adopt as a single adopter, or pursue IVF with a donor. You aren’t held to his shit.

Good luck OP.

PirateWeasel · 10/10/2019 07:00

What an appalling example of a human being. If his mother condones any of what he has said and done she should be ashamed of herself. You are a star, OP, and he will live to regret this big time. Don't make anything easy for him! 'Dignity' indeed!!! Angry

MzHz · 10/10/2019 07:05

When did you buy the house? Did you buy it together? Or was it your house?

He could have been playing for this he house money all along..

Where is the 50k you scraped together?

You need to secure all moneys that are yours - take them out of the joint account today.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 10/10/2019 07:07

I’m having ivf baby at 45 natalie unbrulia just had a ivf baby in her own at 44 so don’t give up hope in that area

Stompythedinosaur · 10/10/2019 07:13

What a cunt he is! He has behaved terribly.

clairedelalune · 10/10/2019 08:33

You sound like you have your shit together. I would start asking re adoption (if that is what you want to do)... it is lengthy. They may well say come back next year, but they will tell you where you need to be. While your relationship has just broken up, you had investigated it before (if i have understood you correctly), so actually it's showing your commitment going back to it alone. They will want confirmation however of stable place to live as moving within the first few years of placement is not an option. Good luck and good riddance to thar waste of space.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 10/10/2019 08:54

natalie unbrulia just had a ivf baby in her own at 44 so don’t give up hope in that area

Yes! Janet Jackson had her son at 50 and Bridget Nielson recently had a daughter at 54. Don't think leaving it that late is necessarily a good thing but there are no guarantees in life and you still have options.

MindatWork · 10/10/2019 09:07

OP has said in a previous post that she is sadly unable to carry a child so surrogacy/adoption are the only options - I don’t think telling her about examples of celeb ivf success in middle age is particularly helpful Confused