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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is the worst?

191 replies

Clofty · 09/10/2019 16:01

Am crushed today and can’t believe he can be so cruel.

We got married in 2012 always agreed we would have a family and suffered a late miscarriage at 18 weeks in January 2013 and since then have had a long infertility journey. He wasn’t keen on IVF (so we didn’t do it) and dragged his heels during the adoption process so we didn’t end up doing it as his lack of commitment despite what he was said was clear. We finally scraped together enough money (50k) to pursue surrogacy in Eastern Europe but on the day we were supposed to sign the contracts a few months ago he said he wasn’t ready and thought we should go to counselling as he thought our relationship had suffered due to the infertility issues. I was crushed but happy to agree. He didn’t like the counsellor as she didn’t agree with him on most things. One thing we did agree to do was to sell our house and buy a smaller cheaper house to release some cash so things would be less tight financially when we started the surrogacy. We found a buyer and found a seller and yesterday on the day of exchange of contracts he said he had changed his mind. He avoided calls from our solicitor and me to confirm the exchange all day and when I got home he told me he didn’t want children didn’t want to be married and he wanted a divorce. He would appreciate it if I acted with dignity and agreed to the sale however so we could divide up the profits and go our separate ways.

Last weekend we were snuggling and he told me he loved me and everything was fine. How could he treat me this way after everything that I have been through? I have always checked he was happy with everything every step of the way and he has let me down in the most hurtful and humiliating way possible. I am also now 43 so have lost all chance of having a family.

He will also now swan off to his mums who will treat him like a prince leaving me to tell my friends family and work what has happened and to deal with the estate agents, lawyers and bank with regards to the sale and purchase.

Please be nice as I am crumbling here

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 09/10/2019 17:47

You have just won the lottery of life - he has given you a freedom ticket.

You have money saved and can pursue exactly what you want (IVF or surrogacy) without being hampered by this human anchor who has dragged you down and held you back.

^^This. Fuck that bastard and pursue your dream. IT IS NOT TOO LATE YET. (Had to capitalise for emphasise.) Grin

Lifeisabeach09 · 09/10/2019 17:48

*emphasis

flirtygirl · 09/10/2019 17:48

Flowers op, your stbexh is the lowest specimen of life possible. A bacteria or germ, a cancer that ate and stole your years from you. Get angry and use that anger to fuel you with what's to come. He has shown that he will not be fair and he has shown himself to be cruel and condescending with the "have some dignity" comment.

Your money may not be secure, so please transfer it and secure all paperwork. You cannot trust him to play fair. He has shown you who he is and you must believe him.

GingersAreLush · 09/10/2019 17:49

He’s an absolute monster. It doesn’t feel like it now but he’s done you a massive favour by ridding yourself of this selfish wankstain.

StarlingsInSummer · 09/10/2019 17:50

God, what a complete cunt. He is the worst.

OP, have you had an AMH blood test to check your ovarian reserve? It’s about £100 privately. That would be my first step if you want to consider having children alone. You’ll know then whether you just need a sperm donor or whether it’ll have to be egg donation/surrogacy instead. It’s not use everyone saying 43 isn’t too old, you need to find out for sure,

flirtygirl · 09/10/2019 17:51

If it was me I would be straight to the clinic getting the surrogacy sorted before he could do anything to stop you or hinder you.

No matter what you do, do not give up on your dream of a family.

GlitchStitch · 09/10/2019 17:52

You’ll know then whether you just need a sperm donor or whether it’ll have to be egg donation/surrogacy instead.

OP will not be able to pursue surrogacy with an egg donor as a single parent, the law requires that at least one of the intended parents is genetically related to the child.

Crochetymum · 09/10/2019 17:53

You sound so lovely and I'm so sad for you😞. He's a twat really isn't he who's led you on. You're better off without him now and i so hope you get to be a mum... whichever way you choose, I think you'd do a damn better job by yourself that with him half arsing it. You sound really clued up so I am sure you will find your way to the other side of this, and be stronger for it. Nothing more to add but I really feel for you and glad you have some friends around.xx

KM99 · 09/10/2019 17:59

What a total, utter shit.

Number 1 - protect yourself. Sounds like you are already doing it, but make all your decisions based on what you need.

Agree with the posters on here saying state the basic facts to estate agents etc and let him deal with it

I would definitely go straight to a solicitor. I think the quicker you can get this excuse for a human out of your life, then the better

As for telling friends and family, tell them the cold, hard facts. They speak for themselves. Let him hang out to dry.

x

EKGEMS · 09/10/2019 18:02

I now know who deserves double leg cramps and explosive diarrhea simultaneously!

bpirockin · 09/10/2019 18:07

I'm so sorry OP, what a cowardly shit he is. It sounds like he knew he didn't want children a long time ago, but was afraid to lose you over it. Move on and find yourself an honest man to father your children - there's still time. I wish you all the best.

StarlingsInSummer · 09/10/2019 18:08

OP will not be able to pursue surrogacy with an egg donor as a single parent, the law requires that at least one of the intended parents is genetically related to the child

Ah, I didn’t know that. Is that UK law only?

TheKarateKitty · 09/10/2019 18:10

He’s a piece of shit.

Sorry you’re going through this. Flowers

Original poster
Clofty · 09/10/2019 18:13

Law everywhere. I would need his sperm. Which he knows full well.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 09/10/2019 18:14

OP will not be able to pursue surrogacy with an egg donor as a single parent, the law requires that at least one of the intended parents is genetically related to the child

Bullshit.

Derbee · 09/10/2019 18:16

@GlitchStitch what country are you referring to when you say the law requires that at least one of the intended parents is genetically related to the child

Derbee · 09/10/2019 18:17

OP, ignore the advice that says you aren’t allowed to use donor eggs and donor sperm as a single woman. IT’S NOT TRUE, and it’s so frustrating that people post things that are unhelpful and incorrect

0lga · 09/10/2019 18:18

Adoption is really slow. And they probably wont proceed with your application right now as you have just split with your husband, they might say come back in a year once you are divorced. It’s because its such a loss and major life event.

So if you have any other options I’d explore them first.

Adopting at 46 in the UK wont be any harder than at 44. Other choices are more time critical.

Derbee · 09/10/2019 18:20

Also, the IVF clinic that I wanted to use wouldn’t treat single women, but would treat unmarried couples. So I knew a couple of women that took a male friend with them. Nothing is impossible, as long as you know what you need to do to work around things. Good luck

LakieLady · 09/10/2019 18:27

What an absolute piece of shit your ex is. I'm so sorry he's put you through this. Flowers

INeedAFlerken · 09/10/2019 18:28

He is absolutely the lowest of the low.

I'm so sorry.

FaerieKiss · 09/10/2019 18:29

What an utter git. A cowardly git, too. He has ducked and dived for several years, uncaring of who was inconvenienced or upset. You will get over this, I promise. You will see that you have really dodged a bullet, too. Thank God he showed his true colours now, so your eventual child won't have such a shit for a Dad.

itsgoodtobehome · 09/10/2019 18:29

OP - you won’t like my post, but you sound exactly like an old friend of mine. She also had fertility issues and her husband dragged his feet. Basically it was what she wanted, and he kind of went along with it until it became real. So when you say things like ‘ he wasn’t keen on IVF’ and ‘dragged his heels during the adoption process’ that is a massive red flag that he really didn’t want to do it. I suspect that he went along with the Eastern European surrogacy because he probably thought it would never come to anything.

My friend was so adamant that it was what ‘they’ wanted, but it was actually what she wanted. Your post sounds similar. Sorry 😐

BarooSaidTheBear · 09/10/2019 18:33

I'm so sorry. That's one of the worst things I've ever read. What a horror for you, how cruel he is. Sending you lots of love x

Onescaredmuma · 09/10/2019 18:33

You're right he is the worst I hate to say it about anyone but cunt would be the only word I know to describe him!

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