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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my husband is the worst?

191 replies

Clofty · 09/10/2019 16:01

Am crushed today and can’t believe he can be so cruel.

We got married in 2012 always agreed we would have a family and suffered a late miscarriage at 18 weeks in January 2013 and since then have had a long infertility journey. He wasn’t keen on IVF (so we didn’t do it) and dragged his heels during the adoption process so we didn’t end up doing it as his lack of commitment despite what he was said was clear. We finally scraped together enough money (50k) to pursue surrogacy in Eastern Europe but on the day we were supposed to sign the contracts a few months ago he said he wasn’t ready and thought we should go to counselling as he thought our relationship had suffered due to the infertility issues. I was crushed but happy to agree. He didn’t like the counsellor as she didn’t agree with him on most things. One thing we did agree to do was to sell our house and buy a smaller cheaper house to release some cash so things would be less tight financially when we started the surrogacy. We found a buyer and found a seller and yesterday on the day of exchange of contracts he said he had changed his mind. He avoided calls from our solicitor and me to confirm the exchange all day and when I got home he told me he didn’t want children didn’t want to be married and he wanted a divorce. He would appreciate it if I acted with dignity and agreed to the sale however so we could divide up the profits and go our separate ways.

Last weekend we were snuggling and he told me he loved me and everything was fine. How could he treat me this way after everything that I have been through? I have always checked he was happy with everything every step of the way and he has let me down in the most hurtful and humiliating way possible. I am also now 43 so have lost all chance of having a family.

He will also now swan off to his mums who will treat him like a prince leaving me to tell my friends family and work what has happened and to deal with the estate agents, lawyers and bank with regards to the sale and purchase.

Please be nice as I am crumbling here

OP posts:

Groovee · 09/10/2019 16:48

Huge hugs. You are right to be so upset. I'm hoping you take sometime for you 😘

vegvegveg · 09/10/2019 16:53

Oh god your post really moved me OP - what a complete and utter cunt he is. I'm so sorry you are going through this but PP are right, this is actually a blessing, now you are free to pursue your dream of having a family without that arsehole holding you back. You will get through this incredibly difficult time and one day you will look back and think how glad you are you aren't with such a cruel, selfish man any more.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 09/10/2019 16:55

I'm so sorry OP.

'Act with dignity' = don't kick up a fuss or tell anyone about my disgusting, undignified behaviour

Reallynowdear · 09/10/2019 16:57

What an absolute twat.

Sending lots of love and support to you.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/10/2019 16:57

Yep he’s the worst. Sounds like a massive man child.

HaileySherman · 09/10/2019 16:57

You're right he is the worst. I'm so sorry as this must be terribly painful and shocking. Be kind and patient with yourself. You've done nothing wrong and have nothing to feel ashamed of. It sounds like he has some serious shortcomings that you were made aware of in the nick of time. When you realize you're ready, you're going to be in a good position to start your life again on your terms, clesr on what you want out of life and won't need to waste time with people who don't share your goals and dreams. I understand how it hurts right now, let yourself heal, and then take every advantage life has to offer. You have only one person to please now, YOU! I suspect you've focused on making him happy for too long.

Elletine · 09/10/2019 16:59

This is actually a blessing. Because what you could have ended up with, is having this absolute piece of work as the father to your child. Thank god you have escaped that. I know right now it feels like everything is imploding, but do you know what, he's not holding you back any more. You're free to go and have your beautiful baby however you choose and it will never be tied to that horrible human being.

This with bells on @Clofty

Sallyseagull · 09/10/2019 16:59

He is the worst and you dont deserve this.

Please dont think you cant have a family of your own though, what you've been through will make you stronger so you absolutely will be able to do it yourself. I follow an amazing lady on instagram who had a baby on her own, she is doing a better job of things than I am and she just shows how it is possible.

Be kind to yourself, dont rush into anything or be pushed into anything. Look out for number 1.

Treesinaforest · 09/10/2019 17:00

God Almighty what a shock for you. And what a cold hearted selfish self absorbed scraping of shite off the arse of a worm infested rat he has shown himself to be.

You, on the other hand, sound lovely. And like you have your shit together. So absorb the shock, work it through, and when you come out the other side of this, things will be ok. Lean on your friends and family. And start rubbing that little wart off your consciousness.

Good luck

Gruzinkerbell1 · 09/10/2019 17:02

I am so very sorry my love. He is an utter cunt.

Take your money and start a wonderful little family without him.

fourplusfour · 09/10/2019 17:02

Sorry you're going through this x

YorkshirePud1 · 09/10/2019 17:05

I am so sorry you're going through this. What a disgusting way to treat you. It's time to put yourself first now - your dream of being a mum doesn't have to be over just because he's checked out. I wish I had something more useful or comforting to say other than yes, he really is the worst.

Nonnymum · 09/10/2019 17:06

That's terrible. He sounds very imature and selfish.
It's not too late for you to try and have a child though. You could adopt as a single parent or try IVF with a donor.
Just tell yourself you are too good for him and you deserve much better.

littlejalapeno · 09/10/2019 17:07

If the sale does go through, who’s account does the money go into? Make sure it’s yours before turning your email and phone off etc x

Original poster

Clofty · 09/10/2019 17:12

Treesinaforest you have just done the impossible (I thought) and made me laugh. Thank you and thank you for taking the time to come up with such a splendid specific insult. I am writing it down for later.

OP posts:

Original poster

Clofty · 09/10/2019 17:14

Littlejalepeno you are right it’s a joint account-I am sure my lawyer will ensure it will be put into trust or something but I’ll check. Good point!

OP posts:

RhinoskinhaveI · 09/10/2019 17:14

declare WAR upon him and destroy him
(dont tip him off obvs, just act pathetic but in the background assemble your armoury )

RhinoskinhaveI · 09/10/2019 17:17

let him think he's won, lull him into a false sense of security, pretend to fall apart, pretend to crawl off and lick your wounds
he wont be expecting the ambush.....

billy1966 · 09/10/2019 17:17

Oh lord, how awful for you.

He's definitely no prize.

Tell everyone exactly what he has done to you and the poor people that have been caught up in the selfishness of the house sales.

Also if you can, let his work know exactly the type of person he is to treat his wife and the people in the house chain, as he has.

I hope it bites him in the ass.

Definitely instruct all to contact him directly re the shit show he has created.

You are well rid.

BlueMoon1103 · 09/10/2019 17:20

One of my ex’s let me down on IVF half way through a cycle after 2 miscarriages then broke up with me (at the same time!) so I know how you feel OP! We weren’t married though so not as hard for me! He’s a prize cunt. You’re better off without him.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/10/2019 17:21

I am absolutely RAGING on your behalf that he has the brass neck to tell you to "act with dignity" after he's just decided to blow up your whole life . He is truly a cunt of the highest order.

I know it probably seems like the end of the world right now but I genuinely believe you will be happier in the long run without him continually moving the goal posts, making promises, getting your hopes up and not following through with anything. That's no way to live.

Original poster

Clofty · 09/10/2019 17:22

Oh Bluemoon1103 I’m so sorry. I don’t think it matters whether you are married or not-just more paperwork....

I would like everyone to know what a shit he is but I worry I would look bad.

OP posts:

DogAndCatPerson · 09/10/2019 17:23

Jesus, OP. I’m sorry you’ve been through such an awful time. What an absolute bastard

Dancer12345 · 09/10/2019 17:24

Oh my gosh, that’s horrendous. You poor thing, what a massive shock. Sending you massive hugs. It won’t feel like it at the moment but you will get through this. One day at a time.

Lex234 · 09/10/2019 17:27

People show their true colours eventually clofty. He will slip up again and people will see him for what he really is. I know it is tempting to out him, but he doesn't deserve the attention to be honest. Treat him with

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