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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my husband is the worst?

191 replies

Clofty · 09/10/2019 16:01

Am crushed today and can’t believe he can be so cruel.

We got married in 2012 always agreed we would have a family and suffered a late miscarriage at 18 weeks in January 2013 and since then have had a long infertility journey. He wasn’t keen on IVF (so we didn’t do it) and dragged his heels during the adoption process so we didn’t end up doing it as his lack of commitment despite what he was said was clear. We finally scraped together enough money (50k) to pursue surrogacy in Eastern Europe but on the day we were supposed to sign the contracts a few months ago he said he wasn’t ready and thought we should go to counselling as he thought our relationship had suffered due to the infertility issues. I was crushed but happy to agree. He didn’t like the counsellor as she didn’t agree with him on most things. One thing we did agree to do was to sell our house and buy a smaller cheaper house to release some cash so things would be less tight financially when we started the surrogacy. We found a buyer and found a seller and yesterday on the day of exchange of contracts he said he had changed his mind. He avoided calls from our solicitor and me to confirm the exchange all day and when I got home he told me he didn’t want children didn’t want to be married and he wanted a divorce. He would appreciate it if I acted with dignity and agreed to the sale however so we could divide up the profits and go our separate ways.

Last weekend we were snuggling and he told me he loved me and everything was fine. How could he treat me this way after everything that I have been through? I have always checked he was happy with everything every step of the way and he has let me down in the most hurtful and humiliating way possible. I am also now 43 so have lost all chance of having a family.

He will also now swan off to his mums who will treat him like a prince leaving me to tell my friends family and work what has happened and to deal with the estate agents, lawyers and bank with regards to the sale and purchase.

Please be nice as I am crumbling here

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 09/10/2019 16:24

If you really want a child, as it very much sounds like you do, can you get to a fertility clinic, get yourself checked out and persue IVF alone?

The practical stuff will sort itself out.

Petrichor11 · 09/10/2019 16:25

So sorry this has happened to you

I would email the solicitors, estate agent, whoever you need to simply stating that he has decided to pull out, all queries should be directed to him as he has also ended the marriage. Then ignore any messages they send you, or reply simply saying to contact him directly. He doesn’t just get to dump you with all the shit.

Get a close friend or family member to come over and be with you, if at all possible.

He is an utter cock, who absolutely doesn’t deserve you. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.

RainbowAlicorn · 09/10/2019 16:26

He is the worst, a completely selfish arse, but you haven't missed your chance for a family. You can still do IVF or even adoption on your own, you can still he a mum and free of this useless waste of space.

Witchinaditch · 09/10/2019 16:26

What a disgusting man, I’m so sorry. If there is enough maybe use your half of the 50k for IVF. I’m so so so sorry this has happened.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 09/10/2019 16:26

He is the worst, absolutely the worst.

But now you have the opportunity to pursue other routes towards having a family, routes that he's previously shut down.

That said, if this house isn't what you want you can stop it all in its tracks. Or you can proceed with the sale of your current house, take the money, cancel the purchase and take it from there.

So you have options ahead of you. But he is absolutely, 100% the worst.

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 16:28

Get in first with the divorce petition! Unreasonable behaviour should do it and you have 3 of your 5 examples in the last 6 months in your post: delaying the planned surrogacy, dropping counselling he asked for and ghosting you on contract day thus sabotaging the sale.

He also has no ground to stand on if he wants to pursue the sale and purchase as he put the kibosh on it himself. Only fair for you to say you won't risk that again with him being so volatile and unpredictable in his decision making.

LagunaBubbles · 09/10/2019 16:30

It won't feel like it just now but you are better off without this complete and utter arse.

letsdolunch321 · 09/10/2019 16:31

Hugs to you, what a cruel specimen he is putting you through this and running back to mummy.

Take everything a day at a time.

Ignore him and his request, do you have people in RL to talk to? If so, confide in these people.

Not a lot one I can say at the moment💐

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 16:32

Oh, and looking at your age, if a baby is what you want with or without him, a sperm donor might be your best bet.

Also, secure any funds in joint accounts before he clears them out! Transfer your half to an account in your name only. Act quickly, he is a step or two ahead of you. Someone who has done what he has will not scruple over taking your money. Is your salary paid into a joint account? Switch it quickly.

Lex234 · 09/10/2019 16:32

What a prize A prick he is OP. Sell up and run for the hills. Although I know it must be beyond painful for you, thank fuck you did not go through with surrogacy or adoption before he showed his true colours, you deserve so much better than this

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 09/10/2019 16:33

I'm so sorry, that is so cruel. I wish I knew how to write something to make you feel better.

fairislecable · 09/10/2019 16:33

You have just won the lottery of life - he has given you a freedom ticket.

You have money saved and can pursue exactly what you want (IVF or surrogacy) without being hampered by this human anchor who has dragged you down and held you back.

It may be tough but you can battle through without him.

Good luck.

AlwaysCheddar · 09/10/2019 16:34

Walk awAy now from this nasty man. He’s vile.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 09/10/2019 16:36

What an absolute wanker. How you didn’t bury him under the patio I do not know . And he wants you to act dignified
You are only 43. Would sperm donor be an option? Since you wanted to adopt is adoption still possible ?

SpiderCharlotte · 09/10/2019 16:38

Yes, he is the absolute worst.

I'm so sorry OP, you don't deserve this.

Hugsgalore · 09/10/2019 16:41

Oh op. He is an absolute dickhead. How fucking dare he string you along telling you he wants a family and then fuck you over. Your post has made me very angry.

Please call some friends and family for support.

When you've gotten over the shock... is there any way you could adopt alone or foster even?
Jesus I fucking hate manchildren.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 09/10/2019 16:42

Horrible bastard

for you

Derbee · 09/10/2019 16:42

I’m so sorry OP. What an absolute wanker he is. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want true house sale to go through, as surely you’ll need it to go through for the divorce?

I’d stick to the plan to sell the house, and use some of the money to do sperm donation and pursue getting pregnant alone. Depending on what the fertility issues were, it might be easier to have him gone and pursue things without him. I can’t imagine how overwhelming and scary it feels at the moment. The main thing is the emotional part. The practical things will work themselves out.

Look after yourself. Maybe go to a clinic to see what your options are without him, when you feel up to it

Original poster

Clofty · 09/10/2019 16:42

Thank you all. I really needed to hear that. Yes I have got straight onto a lawyer and yes my money is all safe. Reading this the signs were all there and I feel stupid on top of everything else. My friends have rallied but I haven’t told my family yet as I know how upset they will be given the infertility issues we have suffered. I really didn’t want them to have to worry about me at my age.

But you at least make me feel more sane.

OP posts:

bakesalesally · 09/10/2019 16:44

That is beyond cruel.
Sell the house and walk away. for you xx

Courtney555 · 09/10/2019 16:45

OP. Take this in the right way. Please

This is actually a blessing. Because what you could have ended up with, is having this absolute piece of work as the father to your child. Thank god you have escaped that. I know right now it feels like everything is imploding, but do you know what, he's not holding you back any more. You're free to go and have your beautiful baby however you choose and it will never be tied to that horrible human being.

First day of the rest of your life.

mbosnz · 09/10/2019 16:46

What a vicious, selfish, nasty little bastard he is.

Good on you for getting straight onto a lawyer, and safeguarding your finances.

Please don't feel stupid. It's easy to see the signs with 20:20 hindsight - but as you say, last weekend you were snuggling, he was telling you that he loved you.

I'm glad your friends are circling the wagons - please let your family know, of course they'll be upset, but they will want to support you.

Our parents worry about us whatever our age!

I think I've covered all the comfort foodgroups. We need a smiley for ice-cream!

Derbee · 09/10/2019 16:46

Also, you haven’t lost all chance to have a family. Families come about in many ways. You can have your baby, and then meet your partner. Don’t lose hope because it’s not happening the standard textbook way.

KimKardash · 09/10/2019 16:46

Good idea up thread - tell everyone he's leaving all enquiries to him and turn off your phone.

Also take the money and use it for sperm donor and IVF... why would he be against IVF and not surrogacy?!

Bowerbird5 · 09/10/2019 16:47

So sorry but you could go ahead and have a family without him.
You can foster and adopt and I dare say you can have a surrogate baby too.
Use some of the house money.

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