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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is the worst?

191 replies

Clofty · 09/10/2019 16:01

Am crushed today and can’t believe he can be so cruel.

We got married in 2012 always agreed we would have a family and suffered a late miscarriage at 18 weeks in January 2013 and since then have had a long infertility journey. He wasn’t keen on IVF (so we didn’t do it) and dragged his heels during the adoption process so we didn’t end up doing it as his lack of commitment despite what he was said was clear. We finally scraped together enough money (50k) to pursue surrogacy in Eastern Europe but on the day we were supposed to sign the contracts a few months ago he said he wasn’t ready and thought we should go to counselling as he thought our relationship had suffered due to the infertility issues. I was crushed but happy to agree. He didn’t like the counsellor as she didn’t agree with him on most things. One thing we did agree to do was to sell our house and buy a smaller cheaper house to release some cash so things would be less tight financially when we started the surrogacy. We found a buyer and found a seller and yesterday on the day of exchange of contracts he said he had changed his mind. He avoided calls from our solicitor and me to confirm the exchange all day and when I got home he told me he didn’t want children didn’t want to be married and he wanted a divorce. He would appreciate it if I acted with dignity and agreed to the sale however so we could divide up the profits and go our separate ways.

Last weekend we were snuggling and he told me he loved me and everything was fine. How could he treat me this way after everything that I have been through? I have always checked he was happy with everything every step of the way and he has let me down in the most hurtful and humiliating way possible. I am also now 43 so have lost all chance of having a family.

He will also now swan off to his mums who will treat him like a prince leaving me to tell my friends family and work what has happened and to deal with the estate agents, lawyers and bank with regards to the sale and purchase.

Please be nice as I am crumbling here

OP posts:
theretheirtheyrenotno · 09/10/2019 17:27

I'm not sure I've read a post that's this level of horrendous of playing someone.

I've nothing to add only get a good lawyer and that I'm so very sorry, he sounds evil.

Thanks
Bellringer · 09/10/2019 17:27

Thank goodness you didn't have a child with this idiot.
I don't think surrogacy is a good route really, it's just exploiting poor women.. ivf is a possibility now you only have your own opinion to worry about. Best wishes

Lex234 · 09/10/2019 17:27

Oops...posted too soon...

Treat him with the contempt he deserves!

percheron67 · 09/10/2019 17:27

He is a shocker. However, why on earth would anyone consider a surrogacy in Eastern Europe?? How would you know that the surrogate was eating properly, not using drugs and other potentially harmful things. Surrogacy in the UK can be monitored,

Catapillarsruletheworld · 09/10/2019 17:27

He’s an arse hole of the worst kind.

But at least you’re free of him now. You won’t have him holding you back and if you want a family you are free to do it on your own. You could try IVF with donor sperm, surrogacy or adoption, whatever feels right for you and you won’t have him dragging his heels and making excuses.

Remember he is a twat and your lucky to be rid of him.

RhinoskinhaveI · 09/10/2019 17:31

I think he'll be back trying to 'hoover' you like the narc he sounds to be
be prepared

taytosandwich · 09/10/2019 17:31

Make sure he doesn't steal your savings OP first and foremost. Check all bank accounts make sure everything is still there and clear out your half. Then spend it on IVF. You'll be far happier with your future baby than you ever would have been with him.

BuildBuildings · 09/10/2019 17:32

Aww love this is awful. I understand you feel betrayed. It's not right to keep stringing you along like that. But take a bit of comfort in remembering that you deserve better than somone who will behave in this way and doesn't love you. Flowers

Do you have friends or family in real life to maybe stay with for a few days while you work out a plan?

Wonkybanana · 09/10/2019 17:32

I would like everyone to know what a shit he is but I worry I would look bad.

In what way would you look bad? He couldn't look worse if he tried.

'Act with dignity' = don't kick up a fuss or tell anyone about my disgusting, undignified behaviour and also just get on with it so that I can have everything my own sweet way. Don't be upset, or try anything nasty like, um, divorce. Sell the house as planned so that I can have a nice little nest egg and don't have to worry about anything at all.

Honestly when I started reading your OP I didn't think my opinion of him could be any lower...until I got to the 'he would appreciate it if I acted with dignity'. At that point my opinion fell so far down it's probably just emerged in Australia.

Sewrainbow · 09/10/2019 17:33

Utter bastard! Use your anger to help you get through this, make sure you take everything that is yours. Dont give him an inch! Dignity indeed Angry

Could you adopt alone? Or use a sperm donor if you want children?

Phoebesgift · 09/10/2019 17:33

How can humans be so cruel to each other? I am so sorry OP. Your husband is an utter bastard.

sam221 · 09/10/2019 17:33

That man will eventually get his comeuppance and your best revenge will be your happiness!
I read just today in the press that a singer Natalie Imbruglia, has had child at age 44, by herself with IVf.
Plenty of women still have kids your age and you can alway have another look at options, once you have settled into your fabulous new life!

CleopatrasMum · 09/10/2019 17:34

As I am sure other shave said don't agree to anything including the sale of your house before you have spoken to a solicitor, and do that now.

As i can see others have already said, there are ways of becoming a parent on your own but that is for the future. For now focus on yourself, regaining your life and confidence and getting rid of this dreadful man.

In case it helps, I became a parent for the second time at 48, obviously not without intervention, but still, so you have got time to work out what you want to do.

pinkprosseco · 09/10/2019 17:36

You poor thing.
Don't feel you have to deal with all this, say that he has changed his mind and people should contact him directly (provide his mums address and phone number).
Go on holiday, stay with a friend or just check out for a while and let him sort it out.

Hidingtonothing · 09/10/2019 17:38

I would like everyone to know what a shit he is but I worry I would look bad

You won't, keep it factual but tell people the truth. Keeping it quiet is only protecting him, and the more people know the more support you will have, it comes from surprising places sometimes. The only person looking bad here is him, why should you protect him from the consequences of his actions after what he's done to you?

It will be a while before you believe it but PP's are absolutely right, you are well rid and have so much going for you, things will come right in the end Flowers

Josette77 · 09/10/2019 17:38

That is awful!! I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Clofty · 09/10/2019 17:39

Unfortunately I can’t carry children which is why adoption or surrogacy are my only options now. And uk surrogacy is so rare to be an impossibility. Ukraine and Georgia have really good clinics and I even met with them and some egg donors and surrogates and they were lovely. Lots of my friends (and myself!) were against it until we really looked into it. However you have to be married so that’s off the table now. Which he knows of course. I will try the adoption route again when I have got through this and am myself again.

And thanks again everyone-currently sitting here in pyjamas looking like crap with a red nose and swollen eyes and I really needed the virtual hug.

OP posts:
AloneLonelyLoner · 09/10/2019 17:40

Wow. I'm utterly gobsmacked.
He's the worst example of partner I've come across yet. This is worse than physical violence. WhAt a complete fucking shithead this man is. In fact, he is no man.

I'm sorry. So sorry. Thank god he pulled this stunt before you had a child.

I've known dozens of people who had babies in their forties. Including me. Get thee a sperm donor.

Do not sell the house.

Let him beg and fight through the courts.

That fucking waste of space.

AloneLonelyLoner · 09/10/2019 17:41

Sorry cross post.

You'll find someone in the UK who will do it. Marriage be damned.

Bellringer · 09/10/2019 17:42

Will the house have to be sold anyway for you to split the proceeds?

MzHz · 09/10/2019 17:44

Wow

Although tbh, he’s ALWAYS been a complete idiot

Of course he was going to fuck it all up, because that’s all he ever did!

Do whatever you gotta do to get the twat out of your life forever and don’t look back.

I wish sincerely all the very best for the future, you will recover from this

flirtygirl · 09/10/2019 17:44

You are still married op and divorce can take ages. So do it in the researched clinics whilst you are still married.

Original poster
Clofty · 09/10/2019 17:45

Bellringer alas yes. Couldn’t afford it on my own. And can’t afford the new place alone either. So I have to add house shopping to my to do list this weekend (to buy not rent as I have 2 cats which I am keeping custody of dammit)

OP posts:
Longlongsummer · 09/10/2019 17:47

You still have time for kids. If you act now and leave him. You won’t regret it. But you will if you stay.

smartiecake · 09/10/2019 17:47

You will not look bad but when todays shit storm has passed I hope you feel like telling everyone what a total and utter wanker he is.
And yes you sound fabulous. Sell your house. Can you rent or stay with family? Grt yourself sorted and then pursue your dreams of being a mum on your own. Isn't Natalie Imbrulia in the papers today announcing her baby? Single, 40's, IVF. If you have money in the bank spend it on you and your dreams. Sorry if that sounds trite but dont let that cock take all of your plans away. Flowers