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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is the worst?

191 replies

Clofty · 09/10/2019 16:01

Am crushed today and can’t believe he can be so cruel.

We got married in 2012 always agreed we would have a family and suffered a late miscarriage at 18 weeks in January 2013 and since then have had a long infertility journey. He wasn’t keen on IVF (so we didn’t do it) and dragged his heels during the adoption process so we didn’t end up doing it as his lack of commitment despite what he was said was clear. We finally scraped together enough money (50k) to pursue surrogacy in Eastern Europe but on the day we were supposed to sign the contracts a few months ago he said he wasn’t ready and thought we should go to counselling as he thought our relationship had suffered due to the infertility issues. I was crushed but happy to agree. He didn’t like the counsellor as she didn’t agree with him on most things. One thing we did agree to do was to sell our house and buy a smaller cheaper house to release some cash so things would be less tight financially when we started the surrogacy. We found a buyer and found a seller and yesterday on the day of exchange of contracts he said he had changed his mind. He avoided calls from our solicitor and me to confirm the exchange all day and when I got home he told me he didn’t want children didn’t want to be married and he wanted a divorce. He would appreciate it if I acted with dignity and agreed to the sale however so we could divide up the profits and go our separate ways.

Last weekend we were snuggling and he told me he loved me and everything was fine. How could he treat me this way after everything that I have been through? I have always checked he was happy with everything every step of the way and he has let me down in the most hurtful and humiliating way possible. I am also now 43 so have lost all chance of having a family.

He will also now swan off to his mums who will treat him like a prince leaving me to tell my friends family and work what has happened and to deal with the estate agents, lawyers and bank with regards to the sale and purchase.

Please be nice as I am crumbling here

OP posts:
Tiresiasmum · 09/10/2019 18:34

So sorry he's done this. Sending strength and positive wishes to you. Stay strong. You're not too old to try IVF as a single mum. Get the divorce quick, split everything equally (no excuses) and get this man out of your life.

57Varieties · 09/10/2019 18:37

He’s a cunt. I’m so sorry x

Passthewinethanks · 09/10/2019 18:40

@Clofty you poor soul. Men are fucking horrible cunts.
Listen. This isn’t the end of the world. I know it may seem like it at the min but its not I promise.
You can adopt on your own.or get a sperm donor. You can have a family. Get your self a cheap cosy little two bedroom house. For you and YOUR child that you will have. And live your life happy. In time you will meet a man who worships you the way u deserve to be. And let that stinking cunt of a ex husband Rot.
If u need any one to talk to I can be a shoulder to cry on. I’m a single mother living alone, I can be hear for support day or night Flowers

Hidingtonothing · 09/10/2019 18:41

itsgoodtobehome, even if that's exactly what happened here it's still unforgivably cowardly to not speak up. We all have choices and it's not good enough to cite 'I didn't want to let her down' as a reason to go through with something so life changing if you're not fully on board.

ISmellBabies · 09/10/2019 18:42

He is categorically the worst! You can still have a child without him, he wasn't a facilitator for it in any way, he was the obstacle. Now he's finally fucked off out the way, do whatever you need to do to have a child yourself if that's still what you want, whether surrogacy or adoption. Good luck op.

Allinadaystwerk · 09/10/2019 18:42

What a dickhead! Don't do as he asks as a pp said send 1 email saying everything is on hold due to him leaving and take a step back. Get some legal advice if you can.
Flowers

RainWoman19 · 09/10/2019 18:44

You didnt deserve to be treated like that, nobody does! What a cruel and selfish piece of work. I cant really offer much advice im sorry but to keep strong and honestly you have had a lucky escape from him. So sorry Flowers

marvellousnightforamooncup · 09/10/2019 18:46

He's shown you who he is. Waste no more time with him and get on with a better life without him stringing you along. Get legal advice and make a plan.

What a shit.

goldenpalm · 09/10/2019 18:46

Yes he’s the worst. Poor you OP. I like pp ideas of going ahead with ivf alone anyway.
He’s strung you along nasty bloke. Hope you get to a solicitor soon and sort things out ASAP. Don’t bother with him anymore he’s really a waste of your time isn’t he.

Pinkypurple35 · 09/10/2019 18:47

God what a conniving bastard Flowers

LadyAllegraImelda · 09/10/2019 18:49
Flowers You are well rid of this loser OP, he would make a shite father
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/10/2019 18:59

@Clofty so sorry to read this. What a horrible man. In a short space of time you will be so glad to have got rid of.
As for the Dignity comment.. just awful!
You will get through this.
I wouldnt let him get control of the house sale. Even if its hard at the moment. Keep control of it. I would let your own solicitor know what's happened and get their advice. Tell the house sale solicitor what has happened, they've seen it all before and might be able to stall to give you time to think and regroup
Best of luck.Flowers

GlitchStitch · 09/10/2019 19:01

OP, ignore the advice that says you aren’t allowed to use donor eggs and donor sperm as a single woman. IT’S NOT TRUE, and it’s so frustrating that people post things that are unhelpful and incorrect

It isn't incorrect, in the UK a parental order will only be given if there is a genetic link between the child and intended parent. Maybe you should fact check yourself. Even the OP seems aware of the legalities.

cosytoaster · 09/10/2019 19:02

Agree he's the worst.
But you haven't lost the chance of a family - your chances have actually improved as you can now consider adoption.

GlitchStitch · 09/10/2019 19:04

Just for clarification I'm referring to surrogacy only.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/10/2019 19:12

Grim thought: you don't think he went off and got a vasectomy at some point, do you? They should talk to a spouse before performing one, but I suppose he might have found a way round that

Years ago friends now exh did this to her.

She was planning babies and having sex at the right time of the month.

He said IVF was too invasive and they should just try a little harder.

He was found out when a single woman he worked with and was good friends with my friend saw him on a dating agency.

They got someone he didn’t know to go on a date with him. Partly because friend was in denial and was hoping he wouldn’t turn up.

During the “date” he mentioned his vasectomy because he didn’t want to get involved with someone who wanted children.

Friends world fell apart.

Friend remarried and had 3 children.

If you want to try for surrogacy I would apply now whilst you are still married.

Have you got money to pay for it.

If you have and are not reliant on the sale of the house I would not sell just to piss him off.
Otherwise sell but delay the divorce. Let him sweat.

Agree with pp who said usually men don’t initiate leaving unless there is someone else in the frame

Dashel · 09/10/2019 19:21

I am sorry that your ex was a cock womble of the highest order and you put up with him for so long.

You deserve a life where you aren’t strung along for years by a swamp donkeys turd.

Rebuild your life getting the practical stuff done and move on to better things and more fun and hopefilly children. If you are thinking of adopting it might be worth doing volunteering work with children to help your application

Newschapter · 09/10/2019 19:23

@Clofty Flowers

Do you still have the 50k you saved for surrogacy? If so, make sure it's safe.

He is a bastard, a cowardly, weak, bastard.

You're worth so much better than him.

Please look into foster/adoption. In my area they are always looking for adoptive parents and a single man I know has just adopted his second child and they're the happiest little family of three I know.

Parttimewasteoftime · 09/10/2019 19:26

Sorry I never comment I am raging this such a ratty think to do. I have no experience of IVF but losing a baby at 18 weeks is truly awful. I am so sorry for your loss 💐
Everyone will know what a monster he is I would be ashamed of him if I was his mother stringing you along for years.

LittlefairyMum · 09/10/2019 19:30

He's an absolute bastard! I'd make it as difficult as possible for him.

Sorry OP Thanks

Original poster
Clofty · 09/10/2019 19:40

Ok he has just got home and I asked him if he told his mother. He said yes. So I asked if he had told her how he had done it. What do we all think he said? I am yet to use the brilliant insults on here but believe me I am saving them up.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 09/10/2019 19:40

Your husband IS the worst, and more than that,he is the worst of the worst, and very cruel and horrible.

Original poster
Clofty · 09/10/2019 19:41

And thank you passthewinethanks

OP posts:
Passthewinethanks · 09/10/2019 19:53

@Clofty honestly if u need a ear give me a shout. I’m not a nut job promise lol just some one who’s been through some similar shit

99BehaviourProblems · 09/10/2019 20:12

I am so so sorry you’re going through this OP. Flowers

He is the worst. People should not be able to treat others this way. Given what he’s like, it’s unlikely he’ll find happiness if he doesn’t change his ways. But you do have a chance at a family and a happy future. Hold your head high and get rid of him.

Look into other options such as, like a PP said, sperm donors. If your dream is to become a mother then go for it and I am sure you will make a wonderful one. Hugs.

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