My friends house is dirty

[hollyhee111]

My friend ( not very close but pretty close ) invited me round today . I keep putting off going to her house because it's just filthy , she hardly ever washes dishes , floors always filthy , food everywhere , dog hair you name it . I can't stand being there . And I feel so bad as I just can't keep making excuses not to go round she's even making lunch today for us . I have a toddler too and the thought of him touching stuff etc makes me really uncomfortable . Argh what do I do ?? She's the loveliest person I know . Do I say something or just grin and bare it 🙈

I had a friend like this. The first time I went to her house I was beyond shocked! I’d never seen anything like it. It was like one of those life of grime programs. She was an incredibly intelligent, articulate person. I just don’t understand how she lived like it. It wasn’t the untidiness that got me, it was the utter filth. She was also filthy, no personal hygiene. She totally understood that it was not right but just made the most pathetic excuses. I felt sick sitting in her house, let alone eating in it. My hubby flat refused to have her at our house and to be honest I agreed Knowing she probably hadn’t washed for days even weeks! None of my other friends wanted her around either. It became so awkward that it just had to let the friendship go.

I visited a work friend recently and was utterly gobsmacked at the filth, smell and piles/heaps of clutter (and no I don't mean a pile of books waiting to be read or the odd bit of paperwork in progress). She is so well turned out and organised at work, I think that was part of the shock. I was only stood at the door to be fair but I didn't even want to think about the kitchen and bathroom from what I could already see.

I've stopped going round a friend's because it is so dirty and disgusting and it stinks, like really stinks. My house is no show room but hers really is something else. I feel bad for the kids and we don't have the kind of friendship where I could or would offer to help and honestly I think she thinks it's fine the way it is :s

Just keep making excuses op. I wouldn’t willingly go anywhere squalid, especially not with a toddler.

gill perhaps those who clean are also interested in people - the comfort of others etc

Each to their own in terms of how homes are kept but filth reflects well on no one

Use the toddler as an excuse and say you can't cope with supervising him around environments he's not used to at the moment, would she mind meeting at yours/park/soft play?

Say something if you want but don't expect to keep the friend if you do.

Making lunch is a good oportunity to help out in the Kitchen, and do a bit of washing up. Just because its untidy/.dirty doesnt mean thats how she would like it. problem is what do you do about toddler, could she sit at a clean part of the table with a tablet or drawing book, while you help your friend. Failing that the post about taking her to the cafe/restaurant is a good one if your friend is happy to.

Sounds like son’s student house. I did not want to touch anything. Going to the loo was gross. But they all survived. And graduated.
Maybe invite her round to yours instead...

No, real friends are honest are with each other. If you can’t be honest than your not real friends and if she doesn’t want to talk to you after you tell her the truth than so be it. I personally can’t stand yes people.

If you was wearing an outfit that looked terrible would you expect your friend to tell you the truth or allow you to embarrass yourself. I know which one I’d prefer.

Your friend might not care massively about the state of her house. I don't. As long as it works. And I certainly wouldn't want anyone sticking their beak in. If thigs get too chaotic / messy for comfort, our cleaner / housekeeper does more hours. I wouldn't know were to start, and would have even less interest. Its not my skill set.

Honestly, this wouldn't bother me. I'd just be happy to have a good friend. You could make an excuse not to eat - I am vegan, so this is handy for me, I just say, I'll eat at home because I'm just a nuisance for people, something like that.

Do you have dogs? If not just say toddler allergic to dog hair. I am and my DC4 is so we don’t have to go to Mil😆
Mind you - that may well be why she got a dog🤣

My house sounds clean and tidy compared to this and i never invite anyone round in fear of being judged as i have a cluttered house lol Im disabled so can't do a lot of tidying and cleaning but do try .
I think she may be offended if you offer to clean . Alternative would be invite her to yours

@chanklybore I need to sleep but I am literally lol at your comment (first part) 😁 I'm sure that's the last thing op would want to do there, get naked

OP, don't say anything to her, she might get really offended however I would not feel comfortable to eat in a filthy place

The thing is, even people with the muckiest houses, sinks piled high etc, would not serve food on dirty plates or with dirty hands.They are often extremely hygienic with food. I've always had a messy house but my food hygiene is good, no one has ever had food poisoning. I suppose it's the aesthetics of the place that is difficult to take if you are, by nature, a clean and tidy person. I'm not so wouldn't be bothered by the op's friend's house.

@rachelover60. That wasn’t the case with my friend unfortunately! She offered me a sandwich and as she was asking, she picked a tea plate out of a sink full of filthy crockery that Had been sitting in grey scummy water for god knows how long, turned on the cold tap to rinse it off and tickled the stuck on food with a plastic brush for a few seconds. I felt physically sick and said NO! I told her I’d just eaten which was a lie of course and actually was really Hungary so I made my excuses to leave. She was such a lovely person, it was so sad. She had a little boy 😬

I suspect hollyhee111 lived in 'the colonies'. We had a garden 'boy' as well who was a fully grown man with a family who lived in one of the servants huts at the end of the field, as a child we just called him that, as an adult I'm horrified we did. Now I live in the UK there's no such nonsense. Reading this thread has inspired me to mop all my floors for the first time in a month. I suspect many of my friends avoid my house because its not bleached to death. It's mostly clean but not daily hoovered and mopped because I'm just too tired. Meeting out of the house is always easiest as then we can all just relax. I do wonder though, all these people that are super worried about hygiene are happy to eat in a restaurant where they have no idea about standards but get very worried in a friends home where they can see what's happening.

Has anyone posted this yet?

www.hoardingconnectioncc.org/Hoarding_cir.pdf

On previous threads like these, once this is posted quite rapidly everyone realises that most folk are between a 1 and a 2 and it’s really very subjective and that they aren’t as worried about their messy friend as they were before.

After I posted @TipseyTorvey, I thought 'Maid' and 'Garden boy' sounded v Singapore/Hong Kong.

I had a friend like this. Untidiness I can cope with, my house isn't always perfect. But this was truly disgusting and smelt of cat shit and pee and fuck knows what else. They had young kids but when my toddler got cat shit on her hands that was in among the toys, I never went back. I know we all have different cleaning standards and I am generally relaxed about how people live, but this was truly disgusting and I felt sick. Sadly had personal hygiene issues too. There was no mental health issues or I would have offered help, they were just lazy. I just couldn't cope with the smell.
Have another friend who is untidy but couldn't care less about that.

Dogs don’t always pong- it has a lot to do with the breed as some have coats which seem to smell more than others. My friend baths her dog twice a week but there’s always a strong doggy smell left on my hands after I stroke it. My other neighbour has a similar sized dog with a totally different curly coat and it only ever smells when it gets very wet or rolls in something yukky !

@Ragwort I've not read the entire thread but I would forget to reply to you if I did that first. You're wrong about dog owners houses all smelling. Many many do but not all. My mum has four dogs and runs a grooming salon so is always around dogs but her house absolutely does not smell at all. She cleans the dogs well every day. It's when they are wet that they smell usually. It's those who don't bother to cleaning their dogs and house every day who have stinky dog houses lol

I am a hoarder I'm afraid. I could really do with clearing out my house but I don't want people going through my stuff. It's always at the back of my mind, worrying me.

Bringing up 4 kids under 8 yr old. 1 of them was my niece. Partner worked away all week didnt lift a finger when he got back. Had PND for a while but my house was NEVER filthy! Toys allover the shop but throw em in a box when you have managed to get kids to bed. It takes 10 mins at most to wash a few dishes and throw a load in the washer! Clothes not dishes! Some ppl live like pigs cos thats how they like it.