My friends house is dirty

[hollyhee111]

My friend ( not very close but pretty close ) invited me round today . I keep putting off going to her house because it's just filthy , she hardly ever washes dishes , floors always filthy , food everywhere , dog hair you name it . I can't stand being there . And I feel so bad as I just can't keep making excuses not to go round she's even making lunch today for us . I have a toddler too and the thought of him touching stuff etc makes me really uncomfortable . Argh what do I do ?? She's the loveliest person I know . Do I say something or just grin and bare it 🙈

EagleVision Yes I do, or something of that sort.

Bar mental or physical illness or disability, there is really no excuse for a filthy house. I say that as a working Mum with a lot of commitments. Like Chippy I think keeping a vaguely clean house is part of being a functioning adult.
Being OTT on tidying and cleaning is a whole other issue, but dirt everywhere and dirty dishes all the time is dysfunctional living for me.

House with dogs don't have to smell, mine doesn't and 2 others owners I know

Oh come on - they do. It may just be a faint whiff of eau de dog but, yes, there is always a least a residual doggy smell.

I think dog owners just become enured to it.

Well, I'd love to have time to spend my evenings watching TV or curling up with a good book. I think a lot of MNetters have a very privileged view of how much leisure time is 'normal'.

I think some people saying a dirty house wouldn’t stop them perhaps haven’t experienced the level of filth and smell some of us are talking about. It’s not being a bit messy and dusty and a sink full of plates

The problem though with this type of thread is that mumsnetters standards of what is 'normal' can be so obsessively bleach clean tidy that 'regular' untidiness, dirt and unwashed stuff - or within parameters of 'normal' - become perceived as Extreme Hoarders or a cesspit of bubonic plague

I have two dogs, they quite often stink. I couldn't care less, its what dogs do if they love rolling in badger poo

Personally i prefer doggy stink to Febreze and glade.

True Aridane. I cringe at some of the cleaning threads, only ever takes maybe two or three replies before someone pronounces somebody ‘grim’ for not bleaching their toilet daily.

But yeah, there is a limit. For me the visible dirt and mess was perfectly tolerable until the smell started to get unbearable. And then it became a matter of feeling disgusted by the fact I was inhaling the stench, being unable to avoid breathing it in if I went over there, and it making me feel physically sick. That’s a hard line for me when you dread visiting someone you love to pieces because you just can’t face the smell.

Yes. What are the parameters here? If it is unwashed dishes, mud, dog hair on the floor and generally untidy then yes not pleasant but it really isn’t the health threat people are making out on here. Children don’t get ill from a bit of dirt and dog hair.

Now if we’re taking dog shit everywhere and rats and flies then that’s a whole different level.

We all have different levels of what is acceptable as mess. But an untidy and messy house is not necessarily going to make you and your children ill.

I’ve never been to a house where a dog lives and it not smelled of dog, but the smell of dog itself isn’t necessarily awful, it’s a matter of strength and severity. And what they smell of too. There’s a huge difference between being able to smell there’s a dog around and the smell of that dog being so overpowering when they come near you you have to move several metres away or throw up.

Does she have executive functioning difficulties? I do and I find it genuinely really difficult to keep on top of the house work although I’m getting better with help.

In my mind, MNers houses look like show homes 24/7 😩 one day I will be the same!

Offer for her to come to mine instead, and some help, should she want it.

I've offered a couple of times to help a neighbour clear her stuff - it's not so much that her place is dirty, it's not the cleanest but it's just more that there is tons of stuff everywhere and she is clearly overwhelmed, and I've been there, though not to that degree. Hoarding is a serious business though and I fully understand why she hasn't taken me up on the offer, or would like to but is too embarrassed/attached to things etc.

Dont say anything, no good can come from it. Just meet in other places.

And yes, all houses with dog smell of dog. Even with hard floors and OCD. Dog owners can’t smell it, bit like you get used to yOur own laundry smell and other people’s smells amazing (And they say the same about yours). Main reason we didn’t get a dog, they are gorgeous and can’t help it but they are stinky creatures. I don’t want my home smelling like that.

But that doesn’t mean the home is dirty of cOurse.

She can see the mess. She'll understand why you don't want to go round.

I honestly don't think this is true. I think some people genuinely don't see mess. I have friends who are like this, and I honestly believe they think it is 'fine' and 'normal'.

I cannot stand any mess at home but I wouldn't dream of commenting on somebody else's house. It's the height of bad manners. But I would judge them in my head!!! Secretly.

Offer to help her? That's what friends do.

Frankly, doesn't it depend on the reason for the filth? I have often helped out friends who can't clean due to issues like being down in a rut, having a new baby, putting their back out or just being very harassed and not having a lot of support or help. I wouldn't offer to help someone who is just a bit lazy and has really poor hygiene standards.

I'd struggle w this but am a germaphobe.
I imagine most people would put up with it.
I have a lovely friend with a beaut house but it honks so badly of her two dogs - I can't bear it...

Yep, all homes that have dogs in smell like dog. I like dogs so I don’t mind.

But all homes that have cats smell like cat. Mostly on the ground floor you can smell cat piss all the way through and I don’t care how clean the litter tray is, you can always smell that in the kitchen. Or maybe you = I.

Pets are cute but fuck me they stink.

I just loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen (lick and a promise) and the toilet and sinks! and cleared DD's room of plates I'd been putting it off until I read this thread... took me 25 minutes.

Anyone else?

Are you my friend? Sounds like my house except the blinking bunny spreads hay and sawdust around the house daily. I do hoover all the time though, she just hasn't learned to wipe her paws.

Actually I know it's not me as my friend with toddler did actually come in for coffee this morning. They left unscathed and no dirtier than when they arrived.

I would make a big song and dance about the toddler washing their hands before eating and then be super helpful about helping clean up the kitchen after you've had lunch. Mirror an acceptable standard to her

our spaniels don't smell very "doggy" but one of them farts constantly

Lol, @SchadenfreudePersonified, my first lakie was a dreadful farter. We feared getting a visit from the UN weapons inspectors, it smelt like biological warfare was going on. Straying off-topic, but we switched him to a working dog food (slightly lower protein content), in the hope it would stop him being itchy. Not only did it work on the itchiness, it cured the farting, too!

gross I wouldn't want to eat there or be taking my child. theres no excuse to be filthy. Some people just dont see it though.

Allergies, definitely, you and child, dog hair. Meet somewhere else. Why have you agreed to eat there today?

Of course my Mum could have read a book, watched TV etc but she chose to keep our home clean

I'm afraid I was a mum who read books, watched TV and ate chocolate and played with "He-Man" and "Skeletor" all day.

The house was often a tip, but nobody died.

I totally get that but if she is a friend you want to keep I would go but not stay long and maybe suggest a walk to the local park and café if the weather is ok. I get if you have pets it is difficult to keep smells at bay but filthy floors and food everywhere and dirty dishes is just laziness. Some people do not see it and others are depressed so cannot summon the energy to deal with it. Sometimes as I say they are just lazy and disorganised. Even if you work or have small children it is possible to keep on top of housework. I was hoovering and cleaning bathrooms at 10pm when my kids were small after being at work all day and then sorting them out after school etc. Yes I would rather have been doing something better with my evenings but I would have hated an untidy and dirty house too.