My friends house is dirty

[hollyhee111]

My friend ( not very close but pretty close ) invited me round today . I keep putting off going to her house because it's just filthy , she hardly ever washes dishes , floors always filthy , food everywhere , dog hair you name it . I can't stand being there . And I feel so bad as I just can't keep making excuses not to go round she's even making lunch today for us . I have a toddler too and the thought of him touching stuff etc makes me really uncomfortable . Argh what do I do ?? She's the loveliest person I know . Do I say something or just grin and bare it 🙈

Grin and bear it if she is your friend and you think it is just her (as oppose to indication of other problems). The toddler may be a good excuse to get out, they need fresh air so why not go for lunch and suggest trip to park etc after?

Bare it not bear it!

Offer to help her?
That's what friends do.

Bare it not bear it!

Bear it is correct.

Offer to help her?
That's what friends do.

She may not think there is an issue...

"bare it" would mean to go nudey!!

It’s grin and bear it, not grin and bare it. Unless op wants to get naked amongst the mess (bare). If she could not bear it it would be unbearable,

Op I have a similar friend. I admire that she doesn’t give a fuck what people think. I admit it’s not comfortable but I’m there to see her not the house. I sit on the floor and try not to touch things. Toddlers are grubby little beasts anyway I don’t worry about them. On the flip side she is a very relaxing person to invite round to mine as I don’t feel the need to clean anything...

Invite her to yours instead. Or as other have said give her a hand tidying or cleaning

😂😂😂😂 I definitely don't want to get naked over there😂

Oh gosh, no! Don’t offer to tidy it I’d help her tidy it! Can you imagine the reaction you might get or how embarrassed/upset she might be, if she realises you’re judging her? It could be the end if your friendship! Just say you prefer to go out or go after you’ve eaten something and tell the child couldn’t wait for his/her lunch or dinner.

Just say no.

She can see the mess. She'll understand why you don't want to go round.

Don't go. Offer her to come to yours for lunch, go out, anything. As a young child I caught a skin infection from a house that was filthy. (The mum would muck the horses out then go and prep food in the kitchen without washing her hands.)

I wouldn't know how you tactfully tell someone they need to clean their house though.

She won't understand why you don't want to go, and you can't say why otherwise you will hurt her feelings badly and lose a friend.

Grin and bear it. We all know the odd person who appears to live in filth - I'm really messy with cat hair probably all over the house, but I am revolted by dog hair, which probably seems ridiculous to other people. What you might not notice, amongst the mess in my house, is that my dishes are always immaculately clean. As is my laundry. And my whites are the whitest ever. My mother's house is way tidier and completely dust-free, but her whites are - shudder - grey.

Different people have different standards and different capabilities. If you are really her friend, then grin and bear it this once.

I am your friend! Well at least sounds like my house.

We have friends like this, they have kids same age as us, their house is filthy, unwashed dishes, food all over the floor, dirty bathrooms, clothes, toys and paperwork everywhere. They're both academics so very intense working all hours, international travel and both had quite alternative childhoods (home educated for periods, one lived between relatives for a while whilst their parents went off travelling together etc.) so I get that they're only doing what was modelled to them as children, and it's obviously done them no harm as they're very successful and lovely people, but we met at uni and it feels like they never grew out of that lifestyle.

Since we had kids I find it quite uncomfortable visiting as everything is so chaotic. So now I suggest we eat out for lunch, and I'll bring an evening meal in repayment for them 'hosting', something simple that just needs warming up and I bring the dish home, like lasagne and bagged salad, and a cheesecake, could you do the same?

I do feel a bit annoyed sometimes as I'll start doing a bit of washing up and suddenly I'm asked if I wouldn't mind just doing a bit more, and can I do this, etc. I don't want to spend my weekend cleaning someone else's house, I have my own to sort too! But I've accepted they're not going to change and just plan my visits carefully!

It sounds grim and a bit more than differing standards.

Personally I wouldn’t grin and bear it, no.

I’d say every time either come to my house or meet me elsewhere.

You’re not good enough friends to have the conversation about the mess so just avoid.

Do you have your own dog? If not you can always say you are uncomfortable around dogs and just invite her to your house.

I rarely go to anyone’s home if they have a dog, I do have quite a few friends with dogs but they accept it and meet elsewhere. Dog homes always smell, however much the owners deny it.

Not sure what you can say if you have your own dog .

Bare it not bear it!

You were right the first time, Digestive

Christ, do NOT offer to help her clean. She can see the mess just as well as you can.

It honestly baffles me how people can live like this.

It's grin and bear it.

If you've already accepted the invite for today and she's making lunch then it's harder to get out of it. In the future, maybe suggest meeting up in a local cafe or something instead?

I know I have double standards but I always feel a bit weird about other people's houses, especially if eating or even having a cup of tea, but my own house isn't always the tidiest. I don't have food left around though and if dishes are waiting to be done they are always rinsed first. And I would tidy up before visitors... sounds odd she doesn't make an effort when someone is coming round for lunch so I think you're reasonable to want to avoid going if it's really that bad.

OP - I'd struggle as well. Can you offer to meet elsewhere? I wouldn't say anything because everyone has different standards and if she's lovely, it's not worth the fallout. There's no way you can mention it without her feeling as if she's a slattern and you're sitting in judgment.

Digestive you might want to check before you pull someone up:

Bear - to put up with something (or not). E.g. I can't bear this, or I find her unbearable.

Bare - to be unclothed or to reveal or be empty. E.g. The cupboard was bare.

There is a theory that Posh people are filthy cos they never learned to clean as they always had servants/housekeepers but now they can't afford 'help'.

But as they never learned the skills, they can't pass them down.

suddenly I'm asked if I wouldn't mind just doing a bit more, and can I do this, etc.

Sounds like they think you're 'the help' @Appletreehouse

Another one for “blame the toddler”.

Digestive you might want to check before you pull someone up:

I think Digestive meant the PP was correct with their first version, i.e. 'bear it' as opposed to their corrected version 'bare it'...