My friends house is dirty

[hollyhee111]

My friend ( not very close but pretty close ) invited me round today . I keep putting off going to her house because it's just filthy , she hardly ever washes dishes , floors always filthy , food everywhere , dog hair you name it . I can't stand being there . And I feel so bad as I just can't keep making excuses not to go round she's even making lunch today for us . I have a toddler too and the thought of him touching stuff etc makes me really uncomfortable . Argh what do I do ?? She's the loveliest person I know . Do I say something or just grin and bare it 🙈

Which post? Perhaps she did; someone else did so too and I responded with 🤣🤣🤣.

Maybe it's me - I thought I could remember seeing a post that I interpreted as being a deliberate "baited breath" - perhaps it was someone else's and got mixed up.

(It doesn't take much)

I wouldn’t go to someone’s house that was disgustingly dirty. I certainly wouldn’t take a child either. Invite her to yours. I’d never tell someone their house was filthy, but if you never accept the invite, maybe she’ll stop inviting you and just do stuff at yours or other places?

I keep my house clean and tidy because it matters to me. But I’d think it was pretty rude and offensive to offer to tidy and clean someone’s house. That’s judgmental and unnecessary.

And bollocks to “that’s what friends are for”. In a temporary situation (injury/illness/surgery) I would absolutely clean/tidy etc for a friend. But if that’s the way they choose to live normally, who has the right to tell them it’s gross and offer to clean for them?

I think some people saying a dirty house wouldn’t stop them perhaps haven’t experienced the level of filth and smell some of us are talking about. It’s not being a bit messy and dusty and a sink full of plates.

When I was doing frontline work, I went to some houses that were so filthy that I would make them my last visit of the day so that I could come straight home, strip off, chuck every item of clothing I was wearing in the washing machine and jump straight in the shower.

The worst was a client I was taking over from someone else. I'd never visited before and hadn't had a handover chat beforehand. I had to wait for my colleague for quite a while and was busting for a wee by the time she got there. As soon as we got in the door, I had to ask to use the client's bathroom. The hallway seemed presentable, the living room looked tidy as I glanced in and it didn't smell bad at all.

I have a strong stomach, but when I got in the bathroom, I nearly puked. It looked like the IRA had held a "dirty protest" in there. There was shit everywhere - actual faeces. It was smeared on the walls, the floor, the sink, the taps, the toilet cistern. I couldn't just piss on the floor, so I carefully hovered over the lav, while holding my trousers legs all gathered up, so they didn't touch the floor. Then I managed to get a few sheets of bog roll without touching anything else, blotted with some of it and use another sheet to prevent contact with the flush. I saved a sheet so I didn't actually have to touch the door handle with my fingers, then dropped it into to lav, and I decided it was more hygienic to leave my hands unwashed than to touch the taps or dry them on anything that was in there.

When I got back into the living room, I opted to sit on a dining chair with a plastic seat as the thought of sitting on the sofa was too vom-inducing. The plastic seat felt ever so slightly sticky, but nothing too untoward.

The client started to tell me how they were waiting for bladder surgery but had to lose 5 stone before it could go ahead. Consequently, they were constantly leaking urine.

Then it dawned on me that the chair seat was sticky because I was actually sitting in someone else's piss.

That was the last time I ever took over an existing client without getting a full handover! And "Passing the P&T test" became in-house shorthand for a home clean enough to risk a pee and a cuppa.

*Yep, all homes that have dogs in smell like dog. I like dogs so I don’t mind.

But all homes that have cats smell like cat.*

I've never been to a house with a child in nappies without detecting a faint smell of shitty nappy. No matter how well they're wrapped up, a whiff of baby poo always escapes the bin.

Does a bare shit in the woods?

And when it pulls its pants down, does it reveal a bare arse or a bear 🐻 arse? 🤔

@SchadenfreudePersonified

DontCallMeShitley

Yeah just bare it with baited breath.

This one?!

@Digestive28 - it's 'bear it'. Meaning 'put up with it'.

It depends on the context..There's messy but cleaning does take place, and then there's messy and hardly any cleaning takes place. I wouldn't want my toddler to go somewhere that I considered dirty beyond the washing up not done and piles of laundry etc. Somewhere that actually smells dirty too I would not be keen on.

Perhaps we should all stop correcting each other
But then how would others try and make themselves sound superior !! But I agree, it is really quite unnecessary.

I would offer to do the washing up after lunch " I will help with the dishes before I dash off, as it would be unfair to leave them for you when I used them as well " sort of statement Then jump in and get your gloves on !

Can't your child suddenly develop an allergy to dog hair? It happens, so not too far fetched of an excuse, unless you have a dog yourself of course, in which case you're fucked really haha.

@SmoothLawAbider

sorry for the pratty grammar lesson..

It's so tough to find a balance. By way of compromise, we keep the kitchen spotless but the living room filthy.

Definitely. The kitchen is my nemesis (slightly too small and no utility, so everything is on show). I always have to run run round the kitchen before someone comes.

The rest of the house is generally tidy, which means a clean is not too onerous.

My house is certainly not perfect, but I always make an effort to make sure it’s presentable when someone comes round.

@ChilliAnd - please ask your midwife or doctor if it's ok to use perfume oil in your nostrils while pregnant.

It's possible your sense of smell is heightened due to pregnancy. That is normal. Many women can't stand smells they wouldn't bat an eye at before pregnancy, including smells around their own homes - the inside of their own fridge even if everything in it is fresh, for instance.

Plead extreme pregnancy sensitivity to the smell of the dog, express your regrets because you love the dog so much and find it so charming that he falls asleep at your feet, and reassure your friend that once the baby comes your nose will be back in order.

@fotheringhay I opened it to see if it could be me too . But I never invite anyone over cos I'm too embarrassed

I quite like being pulled up grammatically on MN. You don't forget it and when you have your arse handed to you in Pedants' Corner it's a progress of sorts even if it's about Latin suffixes .

In all honesty a friend is a friend, if she/he has issues with cleanliness I would work around it somehow and not judge but would avoid DC coming into contact with dog shit etc.

I quite like being pulled up grammatically on MN

Me too. If I’m posting something that’s grammatically incorrect or spelt wrong ( is it spelled ) then I’d sooner know and wouldn’t take offence.

Just remind yourself that one of the reason kids have so any allergies today is that our houses are too clean. So who knows, a little exposure to dirt might be good for your child, and is unlikely to do you any harm.

Schadenfreude, you're correct, I can barely bear it as I bait with bated breath the unasked grammar correctors of mumsnet. So unnecessary.

Thanks mathanxiety. That’s a good point re checking with the doctor if it’s okay to put oil in my nostrils during pregnancy. I will ask. I tried to buy some menthol vicks stuff at the chemist for the same purpose but they said it wasn’t safe for pregnancy.

Sadly it’s not pregnancy related, my aversion to how bad it is, it’s been this bad for a couple of years so well before I got pregnant. the only change is that during pregnancy the smell makes me want to vomit. But the smell itself has stayed consistent in my perception. Also as mentioned my partner has been with me and really struggled to remain in the house.

I do basically rarely go round now which I feel awful about as the friend is really poorly and bed bound and we’ve been so close for years. I stay in touch via message but it’s not the same I know. My main worry is once the baby arrives, I’ve made the decision to visit a few times during pregnancy and done the perfume thing, but once the baby is here I can’t bear the idea of taking them into that house. So I can’t reassure the friend once I’m no longer pregnant it’ll be fine again. It really won’t :(

I’m torn between being honest and telling them so they understand why I’m rarely visiting and have a reason when I don’t take the baby round, and just not saying anything/pretending baby has an issue with animal hair or something. Not sure which is best. We’ve always had an incredibly open honest relationship, I feel like I could tell the friend and them take it okay, but I’m also worried about their husband seeing the message and being offended/upset, as they’re the only one who can do any cleaning in the house and in their shoes I’d feel so ashamed.

And the dog smells so bad for years every time I’ve visited I haven’t even pretended to like them or want to see them as it makes them come closer to me and I can’t handle it, I want them as far away as possible. I have got by during pregnancy saying my sense of smell and stomach means I can’t be near the dog and they do shoo the dog away. But whereas a few years ago I’d eventually acclimatise to the smell in the house, now it’s so bad I can’t. It just makes me so sad when they’re one of my closest friends and so unwell (the smell is nothing to do with them or their illness) and they can’t leave their bedroom, I feel like I’m being a shit friend and letting them down when they don’t have many bright spots in their life and they’ve been so excited about me having a baby. But for so long I’ve just put up with it and now it’s so bad I can’t and I don’t even visit as a result and genuinely don’t think I can ever take the baby. It’s the first time I’ve felt torn between being a good friend like I’ve always been and protecting my child (who isn’t even born yet) and I think either way whatever I do I’ll feel like shit but ultimately I have to think of my baby.

Could you bring up the conversation framed as 'What a lazy bugger your husband is, my dear'?

Haha, no. Husband is almost always around. Friend knows the house is a mess, but I don’t think they realise how bad the smell is because they’re always there so used to it. And even so, there’s nothing they can do to get husband to clean the house. It’s got too far I think, the entire place would need totally gutting and repainting and re carpeting. I think when the time comes I’m just gonna have to be honest. Even visiting and trying to stay in the garden I don’t think would work because at some point surely we’d need to go inside to change baby or something. You have to go through the house to get to the garden. And once they can walk I definitely don’t want them in there.

I’ll just have to be honest with my friend via message and be apologetic. That or lie about their pretend breathing issues. I dunno which is worse or better, genuinely don’t.

It’s so bad when I take their fourteen year old out places and they get in the car I can smell it on her :( I worry they will suffer at school for smelling so bad, but they don’t notice either I don’t think as they’ve grown up with it and are in it all the time.

I like things clean but I have a friend like this. Stacks of books, dishes on the sink etc. I will admit I judged- until I saw how much cleaning she does. Three loads of washing in the morning, ironing uniforms, washing and sweeping every floor in the house, washing up, hours of putting shit away. Only to have the kids get home and wreck the place within 30 minutes. Not forgetting the dog rushing round moulting and leaving dirty marks everywhere. When I go round she can’t sit still. She is constantly picking things up as she talks. So, you need to work out is this her natural state or is it the effect of having a toddler?