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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my only sister has just called her baby the same name as mine

234 replies

mrsantenatel · 10/08/2007 08:58

My sister is 33 and has 3 girls (Katie 6, Penny 4, Emily 2) and yesterday had a boy. I have 2 boys (Matthew 4 and Thomas 1). We have never been very friendly, and she has always resented me as the younger child. This morning they have announced its name is to be Thomas, stating that Thomas was always her name and its in her husbands family. I feel like i have been slapped in the face, this is more about her showing me she doesn't give a shite about my feelings - she didn't even call me personally to tell me the name or did they speak to me beforehand to ask if i'd mind. Am i being a cow to be upset? My mum and dad are trying to keep the peace but i am furious! HELP! (oh and i am pregnant due tomorrow)

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 10/08/2007 18:52

MrsAntenatal - sorry if I sounded unsympathetic about your sister. I suppose I have a similar relationship with my brother. Always had to ask my mother if his family had received things I'd sent, so I know that failure to acknowledge presents feeling. (Mind you it's been better in recent years.) He has resented me all his life too, now I come to think of it, but I still would not give 2 hoots if he named a child with any of our children's names - and believe me, he can think of much more hurtful ways to get up my nose. As he can't hold a conversation with me without trying to get one over or put me down in some way, I just avoid him - although I still send presents to the children.

What I can't understand is why you still care what your sister says and does.

Ladymuck · 10/08/2007 18:53

I had a similar issue - when ds2 was 4 months old my bridesmaid (we still live close to each other), named her ds1 the same - and it is a rarer name than Thomas. At the time I was upset but mainly because ds2 was so little that he hadn't really developed into his name if you see what I mean. By the time he was a toddler he was definitley "X", but at the baby stage the name doesn't yet denote the person. Ds2 is 4 now, and it doesn't bother me at all - though still a bit odd when you call the name and two little boys turn round.

I wouldn't rise to it at all - it says more about her than you tbh. Lots of our mutual friends raised eyebrows at her choice, but no point in commenting really. The boys will become who they become - it doesn't matter in the long-run.

I have a cousin who has the same first name/surname combination - and it is a fairly unusual combination. I happily changed my surname on marriage to remain unique.

mears · 10/08/2007 18:56

" Mum simply asked her what its name was going to be and she was told Thomas William and mum said have you spoken to your sister and she replied what the f*ck has it to do with her and then went off the phone. Her husband came onto the phone and said to mum what the hell have you said to her she is very upset and then hung up on mum."

How is the relationship between your sister and your mother and you?

On re-reading what you posted earlier, why did your mother tell you about that conversation?

How did that help you at all?

Original poster
mrsantenatel · 10/08/2007 18:58

Elasticwoman - totally appreciate your comments thank you! guess we can't choose our siblings!

OP posts:
SSSandy2 · 10/08/2007 18:59

consistently spell the name wrong. Tomas or tohmas or something, just do it every time. It will drive her in a frenzy, she'll scream at the staff and they'll leave her. Revenge will be yours.

YANBU she is just being a cow about it

mummydoit · 11/08/2007 09:00

We have this situation in our family. My sister has a boy called James. Several years later, my brother had a son and also called him James. There's a biggish age gap so we always call them 'Big James' and 'Little James'. Our family is quite spaced out geographically, though, so we rarely get the whole family together and it's not that confusing. My sister was a bit put-out but, because she has a good relationship with my brother, didn't say anything. The rest of the family thought it a bit odd but, again, because we all get on, no-one said anything. Ironically, James is one of my favourite boys names but I felt three in the family would be pushing it so didn't use it for my sons.

macmama73 · 11/08/2007 09:19

YANBU, it was a strange thing to do.

One of my favourite names what Phillip but my SIL beat me by about 15 years! It is not as if there is a limited choice of names available.

nappyaddict · 11/08/2007 12:35

maybe thomas is her favourite name? why should she not use just cos you got there first?

HIJAK

ladygrinningsoul · 11/08/2007 18:34

Well obviously you will have to refer to her son as "Willy" since William is the only name he doesn't share with your son.

Bollywould · 11/08/2007 21:01

My bil has sons called Mark and Alexander, we have a son called Marcus Alexander! They had Alexander first, we had Marcus first. I really don't think it matters. They live abroad and we are not close. It's like people with children with rhyming names (I know a Molly and Olly and a Amy and Jamie !) When they grow up who will even know?

FuriousGeorge · 11/08/2007 21:29

She sounds a bit odd to me.Strangely enough,two of DH's sisters both named their sons Thomas-there are about 12 years between the boys.Both sisters get on fine though & no one has ever commented on the same name thing.

Gobbledigook · 11/08/2007 21:39

It wouldn't bother me tbh - especially as you don't like her and you hardly see her.

If I liked a name I'd use it regardless of whoever used it. Cousins don't often move in the same circles, go to the same school etc.

sherbert · 12/08/2007 10:31

I have a cousin who has the same name as me.
As the older cousin i was always referred to as C.... no.1 , the other cousin C...2- I think we always ad a bit of an extra closeness growing up because we had the same name.
I wouldnt worry about it, especially as you dont see her much.

helenhismadwife · 12/08/2007 14:35

Mrsa as others have said rise above it congratulate her and then ignore it, you cant change the way she is behaving you can only change the way you react to her behaviour.

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and have a lovely baby

crayon · 12/08/2007 20:08

You are not being unreasonable. It does sound as though she knows she is being unreasonable, but is telling you she doesn't care.

Try and keep a hold of your pregnancy hormones and don't give her the pleasure of seeing you get annoyed.

It doesn't sound as though your relationship is good enough to worry about destroying, but I would keep a careful distance and remember that she has made herself look very silly and rather unimaginative.

crayon · 12/08/2007 20:15

I've just read your post about the middle name being the same too. Assuming 'Grant' isn't a family name, I think your sister actually sounds quite sad and possible quite unhappy if she is prepared to be this petty.

Don't let this ruin your special time with last few days of pregnancy.

GoingThroughChanges · 12/08/2007 20:19

I remember when my sister had her first child & called her Naomi.

When my brothers wife found out she cried & said "Naomi was always the name I had for a little girl" Even though she already had a girl She went on to have 2 boys but still keeps saying Naomi was her name. Naomi is 26 now & I think my SIL is hoping that her dd will call her child Naomi

But your sister has a cheek on her! She is being very childish. It is not the done thing to call children by the same names! My little boy has an unusual name for around here.. when people hear it they say "There won't be any more of those at school!" So I dread the day I hear someone calling it out & it not being my child!! Yes, I am certifiable

chocolatedot · 12/08/2007 20:50

I haven't read all the thread but if she is living in Dubai with all that help, I imagine she is bored senseless. I have lived in Dubai and compared to most expat postings it is DULL DULL DULL. I imagine she is quite jealous of you as if you are running more that one shop, you are obviously doing well. Sshe is also probably jealous of the fact that you live close to your mum.

southeastastra · 12/08/2007 20:58

wow just to add my twopenny i would have it out with her pronto!

wolveschick · 12/08/2007 21:36

YANBU to feel that way-hey, no one is going to argue with a 9 months pregnant woman's feelings-but I feel your sister will look really silly. I can imagine them telling everyone and them all saying 'another Thomas', 'that will be confusing' I came to exactly the same conclusion as other posters, sounds as if she is jealous of you-if she really couldnt stand you no way would she have named her child after yours. Your Thomas will always be the first one. Hope all goes well with new baby-you must update us all with detils, especially the name

wolveschick · 12/08/2007 21:41

Incidentally you can do mad naming things in post birth hormonal fug! As a result DD2 has a middle name I cant stand, (will not say what it is for offending people) but I only fessed up to this in car park of registry office with 5 minutes to go to appt. Poor DH had me crying (baby blues had set in firmly at this point), DD2 crying as she liked the name and as a result she has 2 middle names!

emj23 · 12/08/2007 21:41

I would be very upset by all this too, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I am expecting my second child and my sister doesn't have any yet, but she has two names chosen that she wants to use if and when she does have children, and even though I think they're lovely names I would never in a million years use them as they are special to her. It's very hurtful of your sister to do this when you have already used a name even if it is one that is special to your family.

I hope you are okay and that you eventually hear from your sister and can sort this out. She clearly knows that she has upset you otherwise you would have been told this news in person and she would've been in contact after your text. Best of luck to you.

Donkeyswife · 12/08/2007 21:59

Your sister clearly has ISSUES! I too would be hurt, particularly by the way she has announced the naming of her son. Of course, she can name her child whatever she chooses, but anyone with an ounce of decency would have asked if you minded first.

Do two things, either:

1 - Rise above it mrsantenatal as it will eat away at you no end.

Or

2 - If you can't rise above it then call your sister (or write/email if you can't face doing this in person),and let her know that by not consulting you and checking if you minded, she has hurt you. Tell her how you feel. I presume your parents haven't told her how you feel?

If I were you, I'd tell her you were upset she didn't talk to you about it first. Good luck with your impending birth.

Donkeyswife · 12/08/2007 22:16

Mrs antenatal, just been reading more of this thread.

It sounds to me that your sister is just using the name thing to get at you no end. I come from a very large family and I have had similar treatment (not the name thing though ) from my eldest sister (and her husband) now not speaking to me, for not travelling 400 miles on public transport to a distant family member's funeral with my 11 week old ds who i was breastfeeding. This hurt me so much particularly as i have always gone out of my way to help her whenever i could as i have always been aware she was somehow jealous of me or had issues with me, about what I don't know and i don't know why - but now i think she is the one who has put so much energy into being nasty to me and I now feel sorry for her and her hubby.

Your sis clearly has a hidden agenda/ issues and I feel quite sorry for her that she has been so spiteful to you. In the end, she's the one whose son is going to be forever named with a name that will always remind her of what she did to you. In time, I hope you will feel less hurt about this, but if you can, do have it out with her, you'll feel so much better.

Genidef · 13/08/2007 00:00

I'm inclined to agree with one of the posters who suggested that it could be the husband who's insisted on Thomas - maybe he was the one insisting on going for the boy as well depsite her 'I'll keep having kids until I have a son' comment.

Is Grant your maiden name? I guess that would be why she would also use that.

Maybe one day you'll be able to sit down with her and actually talk calmly about what the F is going on/was going on for her at the time that she had to go and do this. None of this blah de blah about how you should'nt care, it was a common practices ages until recently etc etc- it's a very strange thing to do to a sister who has children of a similar age and YANBU.

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