my only sister has just called her baby the same name as mine

[mrsantenatel]

My sister is 33 and has 3 girls (Katie 6, Penny 4, Emily 2) and yesterday had a boy. I have 2 boys (Matthew 4 and Thomas 1). We have never been very friendly, and she has always resented me as the younger child. This morning they have announced its name is to be Thomas, stating that Thomas was always her name and its in her husbands family. I feel like i have been slapped in the face, this is more about her showing me she doesn't give a shite about my feelings - she didn't even call me personally to tell me the name or did they speak to me beforehand to ask if i'd mind. Am i being a cow to be upset? My mum and dad are trying to keep the peace but i am furious! HELP! (oh and i am pregnant due tomorrow)

MrsAntenatal - no way should she have to ask permission to use a very popular boy's name just because you have also used it. She might as well say you copied it from her husband's family. (I'm sure you didn't!)

It seems that relations are strained between you and that's probably the reason she didn't contact you personally.

Saying that she's always resented you because you were younger is the vaguest of vague criticisms. If you want to get on well with her, make the effort to be nice now and deal with life as it is today - not hold on to grudges of several decades ago. If you don't want to get on with her then don't contact her and don't take an interest in what she says and does in her own family.

This happened between dh's sisters. Both called their daughters Emma but eventually the family distinguished them by calling one Emma Frances.

He response to your mum's totally understandable question shows that this is a huge issue for her and it is about you. It is obviously not a case of "oh well, I like thomas and we live far apart, I'm sure she won't mind". It is a vendetta and she really is resentful. Step back as others have said, you don't need a row now. Be nice - that really gets to people who are being bitchy anyway. I'd give her as long as she wants to get in touch - then be breezy, congratulate, then say you have to go as you are in labour/have newborn etc. The hormones both of you will be flooded with will only make this worse if you get into it.

Just been told the name is 'Thomas William Grant their Surname' and my son is 'Thomas Edward Grant our Surname so its not just one name its two!

sorry elasticwoman, you have no idea its not a grudge, its been constant treatment that i've been on the receiving end of since being born, moving right up to since we both had kids, i always make an effort to buy them really nice pressies (i.e boden outfits and toys) since we don't get to see them often, i recently sent all the girls crocs since they live in hot dubai and i get not a single thank you or comment that they presents are nice or anything. She doesn't touch or take my boys on at all, and we have always believed its because i got boys and her dh wanted a boy from day 1 and she is resentful that i 'get everything' as the younger child

Completely agree with snowleopard, feel for your mum right now

For me I find t a bit odd! Neither of my sisters would ever do this to me even if we didn't get along, what an strange thing to do.

If it was me, and it was a family name and I liked it that much, I still wouldn't use it as his first name, I'd use it as a middle name and choose something different for the first name.

I can understand you being upset about this, I would be too. My cousin was pregnant at the same time as me and her dd was born before mine, if she had chosen my dd's name I would have been upset because i liked it so much but wouldn't have still used it!

I don't think you are being unreasonable, and I think the majority of people would be wound up if this happened to them. Take the higher ground though and just don't let her know that it's bothered you. If, like you say above, you don't get on, she may just be looking to cause a reaction. Just smile and nod whilst secretly grinding your teeth in anger!

What a shame she doesn't have enough imagination to come up with an unused name!

'd just feel sorry for her and be done with it, there's not a lot else you can do without looking "like a bitch" to the family, they'll only see it as you having an attack of jealousy or something when it's obviously her who's got problems!

I'd just wait for family get together etc and see if anyone else has questions about it (let them bring it up etc as it might just instigate gossip if you do)

I'm soo confused about this, I'm having troubles coming to terms with the fact that I might use my best friend's name (her actual name) for our baby (going to ask her if it's Ok tomorrow when she comes over, but think she'd be delighted LOL) I'd never think of using someone else's child's name, even if they weren't that close, let alone a family member's name! How strange, does she have a history of this type of thing??1 She sounds a bit mental! And has her DH not realised anything strange in this?

Oh poor kids. . . . Thomas 1 and Thomas 2. .
or it'll be Thomas and "baby" Thomas LOL, that'll serve her right!

Oh gosh I've gone and done it again haven't I, bloomin rambling on. . . I should just stop reading these darn threads

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I think you're heading for a massive fall. Using this name issue to feed the fire of your ongoing sibling rivalry is not going to get you anywhere but into trouble. Be careful.

sauce, i totally appreciate your comments - but its not me who's 'fueling the fire'

i've come on mumsnet to vent it so as not to make myself look like a tit, everyone is right, i just need to move on and not get upset about it, it is only a name (it just hurt me alot when i heard, as for me it was like always thinking your big sister hated you, for reasons you don't know and then having your fears confirmed)

mrsantenatal - is your sister jealous of you? Is that why she's insisting it was 'her name first'?

Yes, it's better to come on mumsnet and vent rather then venting in real life.

Vent away, my dear! I use MN to vent, too. Much safer than actual confrontation.

think i just had abit of a show aswell! oh its going to be a rollercoaster day i can just tell!

mrsantenatal - make sure you update us when your baby is born, I am fascinated to hear what you call your baby

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I would be furious too. In fact, I personally consider all names used in this generation of the family and those of close friends kids out of bounds. I had 9 pg friends this year and with only 2 who are still pg let's hope none of the names we like for this LO are taken. All the best for your labour! By the way, my sister's son is Thomas too.

hmm - we had a similar issue - I am of the opinion that as long as they have different surnames and don't come into regular contact (where confusion may be an issue) then it is no big deal. Particularly when the name is question is a very popular one and they are each likely to meet regularly people with the same name.

Given your sister lives in Dubai they are not likely to meet very often I presume.

Rise above your annoyance, send her you congratulations, comment on how nice the name is , and then concentrate on your own family and your imminent arrival.

yes tell her she has very good taste in boy's names

Both me AND hunker think Pruner's response is fantastic

Wow! so much gone on while I've been away. Most importantly the "show". Keep us all posted . Like Pruner's response too.

Try not to dwell on the fact that you think your sister hates you. Hate is, after all, very akin to love in a way. What I mean by that is that no-one would waste their energy hating someone they couldn't care less about would they? Emotions can be so complicated.

Perhaps she is jealous, with or without good reason. (You don't actually know what went on when you arrived as a baby and kids sometimes have a very distorted view of things which only gets worse as time goes on).

I really do hate judging anyone, honestly, but it's her DH that I'm really beginning to think is a bit dodgy. Sounds like a bit of a misogynist (sp?) to me as he's not very interested in his daughters and is so set on a son. We can't see what goes on inside other people's marriages, even with siblings, and how are you to know that he is not insisting on "Thomas" and that her belligerence is not just a defence mechanism? She could be feeling that between you and hubby she's never going to win so she might as well go along with the one who has most power to make her life easy or miserable?

Also, did your mum's worry about how you would react come after a suitable amount of care, concern, pride and pleasure at your sister's achievement? It would be a bit awful if your sister said "I've just had boy and we're going to call him Thomas" and your mum's first reaction was "what will your sister feel about that?" Not trying to put the blame on your mum btw, just wondering. See, there's so much we don't actually know here.

I know she's rich and got nannies etc but she is far away from her family with (it sounds like) a not very caring hubby and she must be a bit jealous that your boys see much more of (and therefore are probably closer to) their grandparents than her girls.
Hence her having a go at you for using your mum so much as a babysitter?

You say they're not being bothered by loads of visitors because they have no family over there? I think that's a bit sad for her. Or am I strange in having enjoyed all the visits and attention I and my babies got when they were born?

All that notwithstanding, I still do understand how upset you must feel about the whole thing and you do have my sympathy, really.

Try to concentrate on your imminent confinement. I'm so excited for you. Lucky thing! There's nothing like the birth of a baby is there? I wish I wasn't so b*dy ancient!!! . Ah well, just have to wait for grandchildren!

Your sister sounds like a silly cow. But as she lives thousands of miles away, I wouldn't worry.

I called DS1 the same name as my neighbour's son, who had been born 6 months earlier. Neither of us minded and tbh it was the only boys' name I could think of that hadn't een used in the family (12 boys in the last 10 years!)

I have 2 boys now (not having any more kids) but always secretly hankered after a girl to be called Laura. Between DS1 and DS2 I was chatting to a good friend who was pg with what she assumed, and subsequently turned out to be, another girl. She couldn't think of a name and I mentioned that if i had another baby and it was a girl (I wasn't pg at the time) she would be called Laura.

Guess what her daughter was called? Yes. I was very mildly irritated, as I was planning a second child and would have liked a Laura... however it was not to be and I have 2 boys, and Laura is a lovely little friend to both of them.

I second it, pruners response is fantastic, at least give your baby her name as a a middle name, ha ha

Sorry to sound unsympathetic, but I really don't think it's worth getting strung out over. I suppose it's a bit irritating but there are so many more serious things in life than this. For what it's worth though it sounds like your sister wants to be like you...

Poor little Tom2!
Your sister sounds like an idiot - and that's how she'll look to most people. So take pleasure in the fact that lots of people will think less of her for this, especially if they know of the tension between you two.

Don't assume the choice of name has anything to do with getting at you. I would guess it has nothing at all to do with that, really. I honestly don't think anyone would name their child just to spite their sister. I'd guess she always loved the name Thomas and wanted to call a boy that, and given that you live thousands of miles apart, decided to go with her favourite name for her son. I honestly don't think it is a problem in itself. I know you have other grievances against her, but I wouldn't add this to the list. It's a very common (&nice!) name, and your son is likely to be in the same class with at least one other Tom/Thomas. There are, I think, three Sams in ds's class!