Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DIL ... again

212 replies

Notwavingimdrowning · 18/08/2019 09:29

Sorry I only post on here when I have problems with DIL if you recognise my name ! After the wedding nightmare ( previous thread ) that turned out fine and was a lovely day we now have the end of maternity leave and child care issue. DS and DIL have asked me to help out with childcare when she goes back to work in Sept. Absolutely fine and I am of course happy to help where ever I can, I also work full time.
Some of the shifts are night shifts and when I am at work the next day I will need to drop dgs at nursery, therefore will need a cot and a car seat. DIL sent a pic of a cot and a message that said we were thinking this cot for dgs name. This cot is almost £350 so I messaged back saying there’s really no need for you to buy such an expensive cot for our house and actually we don’t mind paying for a decent second hand one and a new mattress or an inexpensive one from ikea. Didn’t get a response but no problem. DS has called this morning and it turns out that we are expected to buy this cot ourselves and a top of the range car seat too and shes furious that we value dgs so little that we would even consider putting him in something second hand or cheap. I adore this child and would never put his safety in question. I also do not want to spend hundreds of pounds on a cot that will be used a few times a month. AIBU saying that if you want to buy it then fine, but if I’m paying then I will get what I feel is reasonable for the time we will use it. I absolutely know that this will not go down well at all.

OP posts:
Summerunderway · 18/08/2019 09:31

They are cfers of the highest order. Send an invoice for childcare....

kitk · 18/08/2019 09:32

How much are they paying you for overnight childcare? I'm assuming nothing. Ask DS to look into the price of overnight care with a childminder and whether they buy new top of the range cots for each mindee. They don't, they don't even have a separate mattress per child

IhaveALooBrush · 18/08/2019 09:33

Yanbu.
At all.
Or they can find their own childcare.
(They won't)

IceRebel · 18/08/2019 09:34

I would say you can't help out with childcare, and she will need to pay someone to do it instead. You're never going to live up to her exacting expectations, so I would stop trying.

£350 on a cot is an insane amount, and 99% of parents wouldn't spend that much on one which was to be used every night, let alone so infrequently.

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 18/08/2019 09:35

ooh she's a one isn;t she??

Bounce the "value" insult right back at her, if she is going to undervalue and mistrust you and your contribution to caring for DGS then maybe she'd prefer to employ someone who she feels would be more qualified ....and pay the going rate while she is about it which will be a damned sight more than a cot and carseat.

Witchinaditch · 18/08/2019 09:35

Are they mad? Sorry not sure if I’ve got this right- you will be having their child mid week regularly when you also work full time and you’re expected to pay for a cot and car seat. That is very unfair, I say this as someone who isn’t a grandmother but a mother who has to sort her own childcare (quite rightly too!) you sound lovely and they should be happy you’re helping at all, you are going above and beyond.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/08/2019 09:36

You say your DIL is furious. What about your son?

No one has the right to spend your money for you, especially when you are going them a huge favour. But it sounds like your DS needs to stand up to her a bit more

I’d think very hard about what else they might be expecting before commiting to helping them.
And yes, if they want a specific cot they need to pay. Your suggestion is perfectly reasonable. What do they think people who have more than one child do?? Buy everything new each time??!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/08/2019 09:36

Yanbu
You can get a new cot from ikea. Or second hand. Both fine with a new mattress, which fits correctly. They’re being pfb.

I would buy a top of the range car seat though. The probability of you Mr he being in an accident with you is less likely than with them as you don’t be with him much. But you cannot guarantee this.

If they don’t like your suggestion, they can pay the balance for the cot.

Janedoughnut · 18/08/2019 09:37

You're not being unreasonable at all. If they want expensive things then they should buy them.

You are being unreasonable though by only blaming your DIL as your son is going along with it. If he had any decency he would tell his wife that she's being unreasonable.

poglets · 18/08/2019 09:37

I wouldn't reply at all to be honest. And if you do then it should be through your son.

When they ask again I would say that they need to make their own arrangements for a cot and car seat, if they particularly want something. The trick here is to be calm and ignore any upset. It's simply up to them. I would buy the best car seat possible though, if you were happy to buy that yourself.

I'd just remind you the childcare is so that both parents can go back to work, not just your DIL.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/08/2019 09:38

What does your ds say? You talk about what your dil thinks. Is he in agreement? If not he needs to keep her opinions to himself. And if he is, he still needs to do the same.

100timewforgotten · 18/08/2019 09:38

Your doing them a favour so I would remind your son this and explain that if they feel the need for such expensive things then they need to fork out for it. I would never expect my parents or in laws to pay for things if they are doing me a favour!

Strugglingtodomybest · 18/08/2019 09:40

YANBU

DS has called this morning and it turns out that we are expected to buy this cot ourselves and a top of the range car seat too and shes furious that we value dgs so little that we would even consider putting him in something second hand or cheap.

What was DS's opinion on this? Does he think this is reasonable?

LadyGAgain · 18/08/2019 09:40

Both my mum and MIL have travel cots. £10 each. We bought them. And the car seats. DIL is being a right CF.

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 18/08/2019 09:42

So you provide free childcare and pay £££ for the privilege?! YANBU

SallyLovesCheese · 18/08/2019 09:43

Definite CF DIL and DS. Our first child is in a second hands cot bed from Facebook marketplace with a new mattress - £90 all in and baby uses it every night and will do until he's about 4. £350 for a cot to be used one night a week?

I'd rethink your offer of childcare, OP. Even if they back down on this, it'll be something else like expecting you to take the child somewhere every week and paying for it, or you buying expensive organic foods that the child "must have".

MyElbowIsItchy · 18/08/2019 09:45

Cheeky shites.

Why can’t your ds look after his own child over night while the mum is working? They are taking a hand. Let them arrange alternative childcare, they’ll never be happy or thankful to you.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 18/08/2019 09:45

Both my mum and dad/stepmum bought second items for my kids and used them on all 3 of them! I would never expect anyone to buy new for my kids if they were nice enough to look after them.
If they would like you to help with childcare, they have 2 options

  1. Buy whatever they want themselves
  2. Except your help including whatever you choose to purchase
Or they pay for someone else to do it
BeanBag7 · 18/08/2019 09:47

YANBU to tell them you wont be buying the cot and car seat they want. She can be furious all she wants at the end of the day you're doing them a huge favour which you could choose to rescind at any time.

Tolleshunt · 18/08/2019 09:47

How did DS relate this, was he shame-faced, or does he agree with her?

swingofthings · 18/08/2019 09:48

Oh dear where did they get their sense of entiotment from?

usersouthcoast · 18/08/2019 09:49

I definitely agree with a new mattress (or travel cot mattress) and a good quality car seat, but a definite no to a brand new and expensive cot. That's ridiculous as long as the one you buy is clean and in good condition.

I'd either ask them to buy and supply you with what their happy with, or send links to items you are considering from ikea or second hand so they know you are looking properly.

My in-laws bought a new cot for one of my DHs nephews 9 years ago. It's since been used for three grandchildren and will be used for another three grandchildren. Same mattress.

Your DIL is being ridiculous, and I think your son is possibly trying to not upset her, and is hoping you'll roll over, please don't.

Sorrysorrysosorry · 18/08/2019 09:50

YANBU
She, and your DS, are total CF.

HollowTalk · 18/08/2019 09:50

DIL sent a pic of a cot and a message that said we were thinking this cot for dgs name. This cot is almost £350 so I messaged back saying there’s really no need for you to buy such an expensive cot for our house

I started to laugh as soon as I read this. Take a hint, OP! I can just imagine your DIL saying, "The nerve of her, expecting me to buy a cot for her grandchild!"

PotteringAlong · 18/08/2019 09:50

We used the £35 ikea cot for all 3 of our kids and it was amazing!

What did your son say? I think you are being amazing, especially considering you work full time. I’d make that point to them that this is not problem free for you and they can provide their own things or accept the things you provide. And if they don’t like it they can make alternative arrangements.