AIBU DIL ... again

[Notwavingimdrowning]

Sorry I only post on here when I have problems with DIL if you recognise my name ! After the wedding nightmare ( previous thread ) that turned out fine and was a lovely day we now have the end of maternity leave and child care issue. DS and DIL have asked me to help out with childcare when she goes back to work in Sept. Absolutely fine and I am of course happy to help where ever I can, I also work full time.
Some of the shifts are night shifts and when I am at work the next day I will need to drop dgs at nursery, therefore will need a cot and a car seat. DIL sent a pic of a cot and a message that said we were thinking this cot for dgs name. This cot is almost £350 so I messaged back saying there’s really no need for you to buy such an expensive cot for our house and actually we don’t mind paying for a decent second hand one and a new mattress or an inexpensive one from ikea. Didn’t get a response but no problem. DS has called this morning and it turns out that we are expected to buy this cot ourselves and a top of the range car seat too and shes furious that we value dgs so little that we would even consider putting him in something second hand or cheap. I adore this child and would never put his safety in question. I also do not want to spend hundreds of pounds on a cot that will be used a few times a month. AIBU saying that if you want to buy it then fine, but if I’m paying then I will get what I feel is reasonable for the time we will use it. I absolutely know that this will not go down well at all.

My way forward would be this.

If you want me to look after dgs I’m happy to provide the following equipment. If you prefer a higher spec then you make up the difference in cost.
If you’re unable or unwilling to compromise then I suggest you find alternative arrangements that you’re comfortable with.

I think the most sensible idea is a travel cot. My DPs have a travel cot (second hand from my cousin btw) and they can fold it away when DD isn't there. We also use it when we go away. Two birds and all that.

Car seat wise I can see why she doesn't want you to buy a cheap one, some are really dangerous, but why can't you all use the same seat - it's not like they're going to need it when you've got the baby, is it!?

She's being PFB, I think we all do that to some degree, but she's also being VU.

YADNBU. If she wants to specify stuff she needs to be paying for it.

OP did I read that correctly- you also work full time ?

I would not be helping at all - they appear to have no consideration for you. Also what everyone else has said .

I'd be inclined to be ultra-reasonable, as it is your grandchild and you don't want to fall out with your DiL - if ever she and your son split up you want to be on good terms with her.

Suggest that, as they want the expensive cot etc., and you can't afford it, a middle way is found. The middle way might be that they buy the items on store credit, then agree a childminding fee with you, they pay the store credit off with that fee week by week. So you're not refusing, you're bumping it back to them and demonstrating the value of your childminding.

They're being CFs, but they're your CFs and need to be maneouvred around.

Also, top of the range in terms of car seats doesn't necessarily mean safest. The joie ones for example are a brand created by the man who makes a lot of the other brands - same factory etc etc. She sounds absolutely crazy, I'd buy a travel cot if it's just for a few times a month, my baby loved and still does lovd hers. Then I'd get a decent but not too expensive car seat and tell them they can take it or leave it. Actually, I say I, what I mean is you should send them links to these items and tell them a convenient time to deliver them to you!

They have no right to dictate anything but that you adhere to safety guidelines with what you purchase. We just bought a second-hand car seat for out much-loved granddaughter, we knew it was safe as we knew the person who owned it. All my children used a cot that had been my nephews, all safe once a new mattress had been bought. Good luck with the negotiations.

Havent read previous thread but - DIL is a spoilt brat and son hasnt yet stood up to her.

Understandably she is upset and worried about your son being away and also how she will cope. She may be sleep deprived now with a young child. However she does not get to dictate to someone helping her out. Your son needs to calmly explain that to her.

I think we are all forgetting what it is like with your precious first born! Cut her some slack on that!
Obviously you shouldn’t buy the stuff if you don’t want to.
I remember having a really expensive car seat that I felt was vital for the safety of my newborn, I didn’t even want to leave him with anyone but agreed to MIL taking him out and she wanted to put him in her (much cheaper) car seat, her second hand pram, etc. I wanted my son to use the things I had chosen for him.
Looking back now I can see that these things don’t matter that much. But I don’t know if it’s anxiety, especially if she’s panicking about going back to work. Probably your son isn’t panicking about how he will manage to work?

YANBU.
I really appreciated that my parents did buy a very good car seat for my DC for their car and a new travel cot with decent mattress. It took the pressure off us having to provide these rings and my parents were asking to have DC for days out /sleepovers etc and seemed really keen to look after.

I wouldn't have been ok with a poor quality / 2nd hand car seat. Or a poor quality / 2nd hand mattress for H&S so I do see where your DIL is coming from as well.

fedup21 I said if she really thinks that I value him so little why on earth would you leave him with me ? He thinks it’s crazy.
IceRebel they already have. Her family are quite well off, we are not !

I did have a look over your other posts re dil. I can't help but think you're beyond help. These 2 people dil and ds are both vile to you. You allow them both time and time again to treat you and your family terribly. Send a picture of a travel cot and tell them no more is to be said on the matter. Unless they want to apologise!

Why are you looking after the child over night? Because DIL works night shifts or just wants some sleep?

What on earth... how old is your son and DIL?

My mum is babysitting for my next Saturday, and that's because I'm doing a bit of work for her partner that day and even then I'm grateful for it 😂 jesus

they already have. Her family are quite well off, we are not !

They've spent £350 for a cot that will be use perhaps once or twice a week.

No wonder she has such an entitled attitude, her whole family are enabling her to live in cloud cuckoo land.

Babysitting for me*

What is wrong with moving their car seat to your car, and you leaving it at nursery for them to collect later, when necessary? There’s no need for multiple car seats surely?!

Get a travel cot that you can fold away.
Honestly this is so silly my mum got a cheep travel cot that has lasted her 3 grandchildren. She got a decent mattress for it so all nice etc.
btw my mum certainly values her very precious grandchildren and nobody is short of money. But practically comes into these things.
The car seat , yes I would get a good one.
You DIL is very cheeky!

"He thinks it’s crazy."

But not enough to anything about it?

Could it happen that you get the kit & DIL decides to let her parents do all the childcare?

So both of them will be doing a night shift at the same time? I'd tell them that they need to review their working patterns (I know it can't always be helped). What if he's not a good sleeper.. are you expected to go to work on no sleep - I do this every single day, but she's my child so I have to accept that - you don't.

No baby needs a £350 cot in his/her own room at home, let alone at Grandma’s for occasional visits! Good grief. Dd had a travel cot for overnight visits and it was fine, so an IKEA one would be perfectly reasonable. In any case, your DS and DIL should buy any equipment required, not you!

CF-ery of the highest order. Put your foot down now otherwise the demands will never stop.

He thinks it’s crazy.

He thinks you’re crazy or she’s being crazy?

If it’s you-I would suggest that you don’t look after the baby.

If he thinks she’s crazy-you need to have a chat with him about the way forward-this will never work with her current attitude towards you. You aren’t her unpaid skivvy and he needs to make her understand that you are still working full time and aren’t there to just provide stuff she wants!

Nothing wrong with a travel cot or ikea cot. Does she ever come in your house now to even see it? I would spend on a decent car seat but not sure why you need to be the one buying it. Anything my in laws needed for looking after the kids we bought.

We have lovely ILs who help with childcare and when anything is needed we supply it. Why should you be out of pocket to do them a favour?

I don't see any problem here. You've told your son you don't want to spend that much. If you are genuinely happy to buy a cot and car seat yourself tell them you will do so but will only spend x amount. Otherwise just let them get what they want and deliver it to you.

Can't you get a travel cot? Mine slept in one when we visited my parents. My in laws looked after them a day a week as babies and they also used second hand travel cot. She's being ridiculous.
I don't see how you can work FT and do childcare either. She's expecting too much of you.
If she is like this now, how will she be about nap times, food, taking them out, and so on? You'll never do anything right.