AIBU DIL ... again

[Notwavingimdrowning]

Sorry I only post on here when I have problems with DIL if you recognise my name ! After the wedding nightmare ( previous thread ) that turned out fine and was a lovely day we now have the end of maternity leave and child care issue. DS and DIL have asked me to help out with childcare when she goes back to work in Sept. Absolutely fine and I am of course happy to help where ever I can, I also work full time.
Some of the shifts are night shifts and when I am at work the next day I will need to drop dgs at nursery, therefore will need a cot and a car seat. DIL sent a pic of a cot and a message that said we were thinking this cot for dgs name. This cot is almost £350 so I messaged back saying there’s really no need for you to buy such an expensive cot for our house and actually we don’t mind paying for a decent second hand one and a new mattress or an inexpensive one from ikea. Didn’t get a response but no problem. DS has called this morning and it turns out that we are expected to buy this cot ourselves and a top of the range car seat too and shes furious that we value dgs so little that we would even consider putting him in something second hand or cheap. I adore this child and would never put his safety in question. I also do not want to spend hundreds of pounds on a cot that will be used a few times a month. AIBU saying that if you want to buy it then fine, but if I’m paying then I will get what I feel is reasonable for the time we will use it. I absolutely know that this will not go down well at all.

I’m inclined to agree with WanderingAimlessly but I suspect having a massive argument over this will play right into your DILs hands

Reply that you are happy to help them and have a travel cot ready. If there is a specific cot they want to be used they will need to provide it, the same for a car seat

She is a CF though, dps helped me out with childcare but I provided anything that was needed down to high chairs, food bowls etc

YANBU. My DM is providing some childcare when I go back to work soon, we will be providing her with a car seat and a bed. It wouldn’t occur to me to make her pay for it! She is doing us a favour by providing free childcare!

Oh, and my LO’s next to me crib, cot, and travel cot were all second hand. Your DIL would be horrified

It amazes me that you even need to ask if you are BU. Of course you're fucking not. Your DIL and your son (I don't know why you omitted him from your title because he's just as bad) are cheeky fuckers of the highest order and I would withdraw offers of buying even second hand stuff and then any more of their moaning and they can sing for their free childcare too the pisstaking twats.

I find this astounding. Just bizarre that anyone would actually expect their in-laws to pay for a cot and a car seat when they are doing her such a big favour.

I don’t know the back story here but she sounds very expectant.

The issue is not cots or car seats or anything you do, OP. The issue is your DIL. I’ve looked at your previous posts and your DIL is an irretrievable arsehole. You might as well get used to the fact that nothing you can do will please her.
I suspect that, if you give way on this, she will manufacture another storm, and you will be left high and dry with a 350 quid empty cot. Nobody needs one of those, even for everyday use. She’s a nutter.
In your position, I think I’d refuse to engage. Your DS cannot fail to see how badly she is behaving. He has a choice; you don’t, not really. Simply not replying might be the most dignified response, in the absence of any response likely to actually get you what you want (access to DGS without DIL constantly kicking off).

I know that some families offer money to gps for childcare, but I also know that some gps offer childcare for free, thus saving quite a lot of money for the parents.

I think the OPs son and DiL are ridiculous in their expectation and they should be very grateful that they have someone who is willing and able to care for their child, particularly as it sounds as though it’s an irregular pattern. I suppose that nursery isn’t really an option, as sometimes the care will be when nurseries are closed.

Travelling to collect a child from preschool or school, providing meals and entertainment can be expensive. Most GPs want to treat their grandchildren, so it becomes even more pricey. I’ve done it. I know what it costs.

I think you’ll have to explain precisely what you can and can’t offer and expensive equipment is one of the things you can’t. What you can offer is care and love for your grandchild, which will not cost the parents. They should be grateful for that.

I'm not sure you have a DIL problem, I think you might have a DS problem. Why would he think this was ok?

Of course the DIL is the problem, she’s the one texting her MIL asking for expensive baby items. The DS sounds like he just goes along with stuff to keep his wife quiet/happy even if it’s at the expense of offending his mum.

I Really hope they know how lucky they are to have two sets of involved and capable grandparents to help them, lots of people in their situation would have to take other jobs so they didn’t work nights anymore. I really don’t think your DIL and DS know how lucky they are and are coming of demanding. I have some (limited) help with my kids on weekends so we can have a social life but we do all the day to day looking after or we pay for it! I thought everyone did?

Of course the DIL is the problem, she’s the one texting her MIL asking for expensive baby items. The DS sounds like he just goes along with stuff to keep his wife quiet/happy even if it’s at the expense of offending his mum.

If my partner was texting my DM and demanding stuff he would not be my partner for long! What kind of person would sit back and let their mother be taken advantage of like that?

I can understand a new car seat (in case its been in an accident) but not a new cot. Mine cost £50 second hand and I bought a new mattress for £20.

Why don't they both look for new jobs that fit around thier new lives as parents?

I think you need to ask your dil if she has particular stair gates and high chairs she want to buy for you to use before you start looking on free cycle or gum tree.........and does she want to get you a video baby monitor or sound only .

@gingersausage yeah, I guess you're right. OP don't be an enabler. They will just continue to take advantage and quite frankly it's disgusting. She will throw her toys out of the pram (no pun intended) but your son will eventually come round. If she tries to even stop contact with your grandchild he will eventually pipe up and say "why shouldn't my mum see the baby" etc etc. You have to be cruel to be kind.

What kind of person would sit back and let their mother be taken advantage of like that?

He did say he thought his wife was crazy expecting the cot and car seat to his mum, maybe his wife likes her own way and he’s too much of a wimp to stand up to her?
Some men just want the easy and quiet life and let their wives get away with murder.

Do both your DS and DIL work shifts?

He did say he thought his wife was crazy expecting the cot and car seat to his mum, maybe his wife likes her own way and he’s too much of a wimp to stand up to her?
Some men just want the easy and quiet life and let their wives get away with murder.

That's no excuse, makes him just as culpable as the DIL and in fact makes him worse because that is his own flesh and blood that is being taken advantage of.

Oh sorry, I missed your message about your son being in the forces.

Whether you are well off or not it is not up to your son and DIL to spend your money and imo £350 for a once a week or less overnight stay is ridiculous. If it were me I wouldn't mind buying a travel cot or a cot from ikea and would see it as a present for the family. I didn't buy a new cot for my own DC , just a mattress for a second hand cot.however I would feel really annoyed at the assumption that I was going to get these things ; your DIL could easily share use of the car seat and get her own travel cot for you to use. How absolutely infuriating.
Just say that you are getting your choice of baby equipment and if they are not happy they can provide the alternative.

Oh right, you’re one of those that no matter what the woman does it’s always the mans fault.

Gotcha.

Lol wtaf. DM helps me with childcare since I went back to work when DD was 9 months old - she has DD (now 14 months) every Friday, roughly 8am when I or DH drop her off at her house, until about 6pm when DH goes back to her house to collect her. Sometimes she will very kindly cook tea for them as well (I don't get home til later). We recognise that she is doing us a huge favour - and tbh you sound like a saint, cos our circs are so different - it is a lot different having a child 1 predictable day a week than having them at unpredictable times which include over night care! And especially when you work FT - my DM doesn't work. We generally provide everything for DD when she's at DM's. Occasionally she will buy nappies, wipes, cotton pads for DD if she realises she's running low and she's out at the shops anyway and remembers, but we try to keep those stocked up at her house, I don't like her buying anything for her really as she's already doing us a huge favour. And money isn't even an issue for DM, it's just the principle! The only thing she now buys for her as well is some snacks now like raisins, yoghurts, and satsumas that she keeps some in for her but she would likely have had most of them anyway.

You need to be straight with your DS, this is massively taking the piss.

Oh right, you’re one of those that no matter what the woman does it’s always the mans fault.

Gotcha.

Taking this a bit personal aren't you? Are you one of those who always blames the IL's because your perfect child can do no wrong then?

Absolutely not. But the DIL here is more to blame imo than the DS. That’s just my opinion, you’re free to have yours.

My goodness...They are the unreasonable ones!..A cheaper , safely made cot will duo the job just as well.
My lovely MIL and FIL bought us a lovely cot, for which I was very grateful for...when he stayed at theirs with us, he just had a travel cot.
You are right, babies outgrow stuff so fast.
You will be saving them hundreds of pounds in childcare, SIL can spend out for the cot if she wants it so much.
My SIL wanted a b*ggerboo pram, got one, but with her second child she was less fussy.

It amazes me that you even need to ask if you are BU. Of course you're fucking not. Your DIL and your son (I don't know why you omitted him from your title because he's just as bad) are cheeky fuckers of the highest order and I would withdraw offers of buying even second hand stuff and then any more of their moaning and they can sing for their free childcare too the pisstaking twats.

All of this