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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU DIL ... again

212 replies

Notwavingimdrowning · 18/08/2019 09:29

Sorry I only post on here when I have problems with DIL if you recognise my name ! After the wedding nightmare ( previous thread ) that turned out fine and was a lovely day we now have the end of maternity leave and child care issue. DS and DIL have asked me to help out with childcare when she goes back to work in Sept. Absolutely fine and I am of course happy to help where ever I can, I also work full time.
Some of the shifts are night shifts and when I am at work the next day I will need to drop dgs at nursery, therefore will need a cot and a car seat. DIL sent a pic of a cot and a message that said we were thinking this cot for dgs name. This cot is almost £350 so I messaged back saying there’s really no need for you to buy such an expensive cot for our house and actually we don’t mind paying for a decent second hand one and a new mattress or an inexpensive one from ikea. Didn’t get a response but no problem. DS has called this morning and it turns out that we are expected to buy this cot ourselves and a top of the range car seat too and shes furious that we value dgs so little that we would even consider putting him in something second hand or cheap. I adore this child and would never put his safety in question. I also do not want to spend hundreds of pounds on a cot that will be used a few times a month. AIBU saying that if you want to buy it then fine, but if I’m paying then I will get what I feel is reasonable for the time we will use it. I absolutely know that this will not go down well at all.

OP posts:
Aprillygirl · 18/08/2019 12:57

Yes @NoSauce I am entitled to my own opinion, and without the stupid accusations of being a man hater too Hmm

oakleaffy · 18/08/2019 12:58

Sorry, I meant DIL can pay out for a cot not SIL if it is that important to her.
The baby won't mind what make it is.

NoSauce · 18/08/2019 13:04

It wasn’t a stupid accusation. You felt that the DS was more at fault than his wife which is odd given he’d already told his mum that his wife’s expectations were crazy so my conclusion was that you be one of those women that always blame the men.

That’s how it came across. Anyway I’m not arguing with you so have a nice day.

oakleaffy · 18/08/2019 13:10

@Pennypinkhair
I had a quick look at your other post re. DIL..She sounds absolutely ghastly.
I wonder if your DS just goes along with it, like so many men, just for the sake of a 'quiet life?'
I really feel for you having to put uno with someone so ill-mannered, selfish and downright rude.

InvernessAdventure · 18/08/2019 13:12

I'll be honest, I wouldn't be crazy about a second hand cot, but a cheap one is fine, and they should be paying for it, not you.

But what I think is more of a problem with this whole arrangement is the lack of a stable routine for the baby. He's going to sleep in 3 different cots, in 3 different houses, put to bed by 3 different sets of carers, plus being at a nursery some days?

Perhaps people do this successfully and maybe I'm making unreasonable assumptions about what works and what doesn't based on my own experiences, but honestly, I can't see him being a very settled child with all this flux in his care. Don't expect to get much sleep, OP!

BoJoIsABellend · 18/08/2019 13:16

Bloody hell! Just read your other posts. Dil is fucking horrible. I wouldn't be helping her at all, cheeky fucker!

Aprillygirl · 18/08/2019 13:19

It wasn’t a stupid accusation. You felt that the DS was more at fault than his wife which is odd given he’d already told his mum that his wife’s expectations were crazy so my conclusion was that you be one of those women that always blame the men.

Well your conclusion is wrong, as I would be saying exactly the same if the DIL was the DD and the DS the SIL, and I think accusing someone of being a manhater or a womanhater is such an easy and lazy insult to throw at someone and there was no need for it.

diddl · 18/08/2019 13:23

" shes furious that we value dgs so little that we would even consider putting him in something second hand or cheap"

And your son told you that she said this?

But he obviously feels the same?

I think that it's fine to turn it back to them-you can't afford the cot & car seat so over to them to find a solution.

Do they even want you to do childcare?

username678889 · 18/08/2019 13:24

Ffs she's so demanding, when my dc were babies, I had 1 travel cot and 1 car seat that was passed on if a relative was looking after dc . I wouldn't dream of even suggesting they buy a cot never mind telling them which one to buy . I'd also be absolutely made up if my mil wanted to buy a 2nd hand cot to kept at their house . Your poor son what's he married Confused.

Sunshinegirl82 · 18/08/2019 13:26

Travel cot is fine for the occasional night, I wouldn't bother with a proper one.

Car seats are different, they're not all created equal unfortunately. I would insist on one the rear faces for longer and had passed more than the minimum tests. Joie is good for that. I wouldn't expect anyone else to pay for it however.

I'd be careful about this arrangement OP, I can't imagine situation where you DIL will ever be happy.

username678889 · 18/08/2019 13:27

I also don't think she's not thought this childcare properly , passing the baby round to different relatives so she can do night shifts .

user1471590586 · 18/08/2019 13:35

Sorry to have to say this OP. I wouldn't get too close to the grandchild. From what you and other people are saying about previous threads, I can see her withholding contact over some perceived slight. Why is your son letting her treat you like this? I would tell her that due to her cheeky disrespectful behaviour you are withdrawing childcare. Then concentrate on your relationships with your other children. Hopefully your son will come to his senses at some point and leave her.

MsFrosty · 18/08/2019 13:52

You provide the free childcare, they provide the equipment

BogglesGoggles · 18/08/2019 13:56

Why does she even care what kind of for yoyhave?

MzHz · 18/08/2019 14:19

Honestly, back out of the childcare arrangement now

You t will only bring you ridiculous amounts of grief

Let her parents take the brunt of her poor manners- after all they raised her.

Noimaginationxyzz · 18/08/2019 14:24

Not read all of the thread, so may be repeating, but I would imagine the possibilities for child care never being right/ good enough / safe enough / right food / too much TV etc could be endless. From your original post, the chance of it being well received, no unfair criticism and a thank you seem slim...

cstaff · 18/08/2019 14:34

I am not sure why you are even contemplating child care for this woman. Is anything you do ever going to be right. And you are working full time. It's not like you are sitting at home bored looking to fill your days. As for expecting you to buy the most expensive cot and car seat, she is a CF of the highest order. Entitled or what.

RightYesButNo · 18/08/2019 14:44

OP, are you sure this isn’t an attempt to “price” you out of a relationship with your grandchild? As you said, your DIL’s family is well off, they have already bought this stupidly expensive mattress, she knows your family is not well-off, and yet is demanding this. She will point to it and say, “Look, I gave your parents the chance to watch DGC but they just wouldn’t be reasonable, whereas my family didn’t raise an issue at all.” When we all know it’s totally batshit, but if your DS hasn’t stood up to her for 10 years, it doesn’t look good now.

Even if you can work this out somehow, I would pay attention to what @user1471590586 has said. Based on your threads about your DIL, even if this situation is resolved (and I think she’s a cheeky sod - believe me, I know plenty of Forces wives who had to wave goodbye to a husband while holding an infant knowing that NO ONE was coming to help them - I spent a Christmas helping a friend who was too sick to lift her baby because there were no grandparents around to help and she would have given a lot to have a MIL around), you will spend the rest of this relationship with her threatening to cut off contact between you and your DGC every time you don’t do what she says. Unfortunately, DGC will be a constant source of blackmail. You can tell it’s already starting by how she’s framed this.

If she was just a little overwhelmed by hormones and looking at expensive mattresses, that would be one thing. But the fact she IMMEDIATELY framed it as, “If you don’t spend this money, you don’t care for your grandchild,” really shows you how she’s going to run the relationship. It’s going to be, “If you don’t do X, you don’t value grandchild.” “If you don’t do Y, you can’t see grandchild anymore.” Please be very careful about the games she’s starting to play.

Sorry about this, sounds so stressful, and good luck.

Ihatesundays · 18/08/2019 14:53

I know someone whose DIL made her buy a brand new M&P cot for her third child, in case they stayed in her house. She already had a second hand one but for some reason she decided her widowed pensioner MIL needed to buy this new one. MIL is DESPERATE to have her GC to stay so complies.
Child has slept in it once and is too old for a cot now.
She also has her spare room set up as a room for her GC to stay with bunk beds for the older ones. They never come to stay.

HollowTalk · 18/08/2019 14:54

I've just re-read your other thread about your DIL. She is just using you, OP. She can't even speak a civil word to you and has done her utmost to shut you out of their lives.

Having said that I would want to see my grandchild on a regular basis and this is probably the only way that's going to happen, when your son is away from home.

fedup21 · 18/08/2019 14:56

Ds thinks she’s crazy to expect us to buy an expensive cot and he also expected to buy anything we need for looking after dgs.

Presumably you’ve told him to sort it out then?

I would pull out of the whole arrangement.

YoniHuman · 18/08/2019 15:05

They are being CF’s. When my parents/in-laws were kind enough to look after their GC, I provided any equipment/food needed. They might treat them to toys, trips out etc but that was their choice and I would never automatically expect it.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 18/08/2019 15:32

Cheeky cow .

YANBU at all OP

Celeriacacaca · 18/08/2019 15:40

I think I'd insist they find alternative childcare as this is just the beginning of a new nightmare for you, which you don't have to put up with!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/08/2019 15:51

I would say you can't help out with childcare, and she will need to pay someone to do it instead. You're never going to live up to her exacting expectations, so I would stop trying

This ^^. They'd go ballistic of course, but it sounds as if they'll go ballistic anyway over any aspect of your care which doesn't quite suit … so why not back away before too much ill feeling develops?

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