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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU DIL ... again

212 replies

Notwavingimdrowning · 18/08/2019 09:29

Sorry I only post on here when I have problems with DIL if you recognise my name ! After the wedding nightmare ( previous thread ) that turned out fine and was a lovely day we now have the end of maternity leave and child care issue. DS and DIL have asked me to help out with childcare when she goes back to work in Sept. Absolutely fine and I am of course happy to help where ever I can, I also work full time.
Some of the shifts are night shifts and when I am at work the next day I will need to drop dgs at nursery, therefore will need a cot and a car seat. DIL sent a pic of a cot and a message that said we were thinking this cot for dgs name. This cot is almost £350 so I messaged back saying there’s really no need for you to buy such an expensive cot for our house and actually we don’t mind paying for a decent second hand one and a new mattress or an inexpensive one from ikea. Didn’t get a response but no problem. DS has called this morning and it turns out that we are expected to buy this cot ourselves and a top of the range car seat too and shes furious that we value dgs so little that we would even consider putting him in something second hand or cheap. I adore this child and would never put his safety in question. I also do not want to spend hundreds of pounds on a cot that will be used a few times a month. AIBU saying that if you want to buy it then fine, but if I’m paying then I will get what I feel is reasonable for the time we will use it. I absolutely know that this will not go down well at all.

OP posts:

diddl · 18/08/2019 15:53

I think that as a pp put, whatever you do will be wrong, there will likely be no childcare unless an absolute emergency that her parents can't do & unless your son has other ideas, very little relationship with your GC.

Jamiefraserskilt · 18/08/2019 16:02

She drops child off WITH car seat, you drop child at nursery with her childseat. Same seat and to her standards. You will soon het the hang of installing it.
As for the cot or any other equipment, I would never dream of asking my parents to pay for it. My kid, my expense and for one night a week or month, a travel cot is more than suitable.
Cheeky mare. Is she going to kit you out with bum changing, pram/pushchair and clothing gear?

angell84 · 18/08/2019 16:12

They are cheeky f@ckers. If my mother in law offered me free child care, I would never dream of insisting that she buy my child a very expensive cot.
Who the f does she think she is

AuntyMarysBigRedPants · 18/08/2019 16:15

Sounds like she's spoiling for an argument, you haven't even started looking after your GC and there are problems
I would suggest that they look elsewhere for child care and just have your GC when it's suitable for you

Glittertwins · 18/08/2019 16:22

We didn't spend £350 per cot on our own. I'd be going what Troll Fairy has suggested with a new mattress in a travel cot. Are you also expected to have an entire room given over to the baby so you can't even use your own property?

awsomeDean · 18/08/2019 16:36

My parents had a travel cot. One night a week and naps a £40 travel cot it perfect. Also doubled as a playpen

fedup21 · 18/08/2019 16:42

My parent used a travel cot. One that we paid for and gave them to keep at theirs!

CallmeAngelina · 18/08/2019 17:05

OP, You sound lovely, and thoroughly fair and sensible. I'm so sorry that your ds has picked such an unpleasant person to marry. I too have read your other threads and it sounds as though you will never be able to please her and it seems you've accepted this.
At least you have other children and grandchildren - I'm not saying you should write this grandson off, but think how much worse it would be if he was the only one you had!
Good luck with it all.

Sweetpotatoaddict · 18/08/2019 17:17

My parents take my children overnight. They travel in car seats that we bought and a travel cot which we offered to pay for. Neither of my children have ever slept in a £350 cot.

It’s sounds like you are going to have issues no matter what you do. However I might also be being hypocritical as I always grumped when going to MIL as she had no baby stuff and it was always like a house move going to visit!

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 18/08/2019 17:19

Another option could possibly be tell them that this is what you can reasonably afford to spend on both, if what you chose isn't to satisfaction they can pay the difference to get what they want.
If not a guess she's looking for an excuse for you not to look after your grandchild. I'm really sorry as you sound lovely

AbsinthedelaBonchance · 18/08/2019 17:20

Don't understand what happens with all these brand new cots for every baby...my daughter used mine ( sanded down and repainted) - that had been my youngest aunt's ( she was an afterthought and the cot all her siblings had used had been donated to a family in need). All my siblings and a number of cousins had used it as well. When my daughter finished with it one of my cousin's took it for her daughter, I did have to buy a new Moses' basket though - my aunt's only lasted 23 years - shocking! I wanted to save every penny so I could have the maximum time off. ( we also did buy the highest rated ( not highest priced) car seats.

crosstalk · 18/08/2019 17:29

If OP's DS is a service man (just say) he won't be earning much. OP's DIL may be a carer, nurse or poss doctor with shifts which are unpredictable, just to turn a penny towards the future. So with his 3 month stint (I think oil workers do less) leaves her stretched.

However, none of this make their demands acceptable, esp if she has family who can afford it. DS needs to speak to his wife. Or OP, DS and DiL need to sit down together to discuss.

chickenyhead · 18/08/2019 17:31

I had the opposite lol.

I was given a battered SH cot for my first (and kept for second), bought new mattress as this was all I could afford and there were more important things to spend money on.

MIL bought a high expensive sleigh cot thing for her house. Didn't ask her to babysit, she just wanted to when she wanted to.

This was her money and her call. Nothing to do with me. She was however a bit off that I didn't buy new.

As long as it is safe, it doesn't matter whether it is new or not. And it is certainly not her call what you buy with your money!

YANBU

53rdWay · 18/08/2019 17:45

DS has called this morning and it turns out that we are expected to buy this cot ourselves and a top of the range car seat too and shes furious that we value dgs so little that we would even consider putting him in something second hand or cheap.

I don't really understand why he did this? Either he agrees with her, in which case tell the cheeky sod off, or he doesn't agree with her but felt the need to tell you this rather than sort it out directly with her, in which case... why? Just to stir? I don't get it.

Anyway, yes obviously you shouldn't be buying a super-expensive cot and car seat.

Alsohuman · 18/08/2019 17:52

Oh dear, you really won the Dil lottery @Pennypinkhair! She’s being completely ridiculous and your son needs to tell her so. He should also remind her they’re getting gold standard childcare and saving them £££££. I’d give them a budget for the cot and tell them they can top it up if they wish. And use the car seat they already have.

dustarr73 · 18/08/2019 17:55

I wouldnt do the overnight childcare.Sounds like dil and your ds will kick off about everything.Just not worth it.

Sashkin · 18/08/2019 17:55

I have a decent travel cot already but didn’t think it would be suitable for several nights in a row although I don’t really know why I thought that

DS has been happily sleeping in his for the past year (moved overseas, didn’t want to ship his cot with us). We put a proper cot mattress in it, and he loves it (likes being able to see out of the mesh sides, likes the zip door at the end to get out and play in the morning). He hated his normal cot, so we’re actually considering keeping him in the travel cot when we come back to the UK.

£30 from Mothercare (in the sale), plus a £70 Ikea cot mattress. No point in spending more. Our Joie car seat was also very reasonable (definitely under £200), has great safety reviews, and should fit from birth to 8years.

CSIblonde · 18/08/2019 18:00

That's another level CF'ery. A travel cot or IKEA one would be fine if they expect you to pay. They should fork out for the car seat. What they're saving on childcare is huge.

glitterfarts · 18/08/2019 18:15

Will she also expect you to buy clothes, bedding, nappies, bottles, formula?
What about when DGC is ill and you are up all night with the baby and then have to go to work.

I think you need a really detailed conversation about this.

GabsAlot · 18/08/2019 20:11

As per pp you wont win anything you do willbe wrong shes horrible to you and you just take it-and with your son away she will only give you more grief

billy1966 · 18/08/2019 20:14

Agree with above.
You are never going to win here.
There will always be some problem.
For the sake of your own health, withdraw the offer of child minding.

Witchinaditch · 18/08/2019 20:18

A few people have mentioned she’s looking to argue with you, I read back over some other posts and I did think it’s odd that someone who won’t even say hello to you at work will let you have their child overnight. It could well be that she wants to push you away and if that is the case I would suck it up and not let anything get between you and your grandchild as that might be just what she’s after!

Cryalot2 · 18/08/2019 20:21

Not a gran sadly . But from my point of view, you are helping them.
If they are not paying you properly then they either accept what you buy or find alternative care.
Their behaviour is appalling.

Chocolate35 · 18/08/2019 20:22

As someone who’s parents help out loads with childcare this is an utter piss take! My parents look after my children and don’t charge me. I bought them a car seat and a travel cot, it’s my responsibility and expense, not theirs. The same goes with food and nappies/milk. If it’s extra to what my parents would have bought then I provide it. Tell your cheeky son and DIL that you are happy to help but they need to provide whatever you’ll need. You’ve been more than generous and they should be grateful.

millimollimandi · 18/08/2019 20:30

So you have the child overnight then go to work the following day, meanwhile your DS has a child free night and goes to work the following day - is that right? WTF are you thinking of even considering doing this?

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